Monday, April 19, 2010
Don't make too much fun of me, but...
I cut my own hair. Not the top or the top back, but the over-the-ears, bangs and the neck. I can't see my neck area, but here's hoping I didn't do too bad of a job. I figured by the time I'm off bedrest, I should be regrown in the area and ready for a proper haircut.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Amendment
Nurse #2, after explaining my inability to comprehend much for a goood portion of the day, was willing to give me the ambien. And after talking with her for a few minutes, I felt much less annoyed. Nurse #1 is still on my shitlist. :)
And I got over myself earlier.
And I got over myself earlier.
Going Loco
I think I might be losing my mind tonight. I was lucky enough to have a visitor this morning, but my boys decided (mostly Jack) to stay in their pjs all day. (Something that has not happened in a couple of weeks but well deserved.) As you have read in my earlier post (you did, right? Right?), today was not the ideal nursing staff. Food did not sound appealing tonight. Just liquids. Plus throughout the day, I have had mini panic attacks start happening when I think about the fact that I am stuck in this room. It feels like being trapped in an elevator or a tube - although really, those are worse. It's just psychological. Plus I am having these random thoughts of bad things happening to the boys, as if my being with them will protect them. Shit happens, and I have very little control over anything in this life. Just my choices and my attitude. Yeah, I'll keep telling myself that and taking my meds.
I know, death is a much worse. Being terminally or chronically sick is much worse. Having a sick child is much, much worse. I could find more, they just came to mind first. Nick told me a story yesterday. Jack and Nick were coming to visit me and a woman entered the elevator when they did. Jack pushed the "3" button and the woman pushed the "2" button. Jack turned to the lady and said, "I'm going to see my mom." The lady said, "I'm going to see my son in the ICU."
I know, death is a much worse. Being terminally or chronically sick is much worse. Having a sick child is much, much worse. I could find more, they just came to mind first. Nick told me a story yesterday. Jack and Nick were coming to visit me and a woman entered the elevator when they did. Jack pushed the "3" button and the woman pushed the "2" button. Jack turned to the lady and said, "I'm going to see my mom." The lady said, "I'm going to see my son in the ICU."
Bitchfest
Today, I ended up with my two least favorite nurses. Nurse #1 talks to me like a child. I even got a pout the first time a met her.The day that I found out I was staying here for another 8 weeks, she was bragging about all her grandchildren that are coming in her happy little life. I wanted to punch her in the face. I know, she should be allowed to, but that day, I felt pissed to not have a normal pregnancy.
Nurse #2 usually only works until 11pm, so she refuses to give me my ambien (to help me sleep) until 11pm. Problem is I sleep pretty much all morning, I miss lunch and sleep a little bit of the afternoon away. It sucks, and it makes me feel depressed. She believes that because the 11pm staff need to do my vitals, she doesn't want me to have to be woken up. Why she can't take my vitals or why I can't be woken up (which, most likely, I will still be awake waiting for the ambien to kick in) I don't know. She doesn't believe me when I tell her that I stay awake for a couple of hours after taking it. So today I avoided falling asleep at all so maybe I won't need the ambien tonight. Oh yeah, and today she reminded me to order dinner. Yeah, I am not a kid.
I am sure both of these nurses are being nice, but they just annoy me. Everyone else seems to be mindful of me being a hormonal woman who is trapped in a hospital bed away from her family for a long period of time.... and ready to lose her mind if she is pushed too hard.
Two general comments for anyone who wants to avoid me going off:
Don't talk to me as if I am not making this child the first priority by telling me how to lay, or what to eat or drink, or worrying I won't take my meds. Seriously. I will start swinging.
Don't just open my door. Knock first, and maybe wait until I say COME IN. The only people in my life who are allowed to walk in are the people I live with everyday.
Nurse #2 usually only works until 11pm, so she refuses to give me my ambien (to help me sleep) until 11pm. Problem is I sleep pretty much all morning, I miss lunch and sleep a little bit of the afternoon away. It sucks, and it makes me feel depressed. She believes that because the 11pm staff need to do my vitals, she doesn't want me to have to be woken up. Why she can't take my vitals or why I can't be woken up (which, most likely, I will still be awake waiting for the ambien to kick in) I don't know. She doesn't believe me when I tell her that I stay awake for a couple of hours after taking it. So today I avoided falling asleep at all so maybe I won't need the ambien tonight. Oh yeah, and today she reminded me to order dinner. Yeah, I am not a kid.
I am sure both of these nurses are being nice, but they just annoy me. Everyone else seems to be mindful of me being a hormonal woman who is trapped in a hospital bed away from her family for a long period of time.... and ready to lose her mind if she is pushed too hard.
Two general comments for anyone who wants to avoid me going off:
Don't talk to me as if I am not making this child the first priority by telling me how to lay, or what to eat or drink, or worrying I won't take my meds. Seriously. I will start swinging.
Don't just open my door. Knock first, and maybe wait until I say COME IN. The only people in my life who are allowed to walk in are the people I live with everyday.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Saturdays with the Rogers
The boys and I are chatting on the computer. Love video calling. But all I want to do is go home.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Dinner with the boys
Am i glad my husband is a computer nerd. Not only do I find the computer geek persona sexy, but he also has set me up with a webcam so I can talk to him and Jack. Here is what our dinner looked like tonight.
My cheesy eggs were a little crispy on the outside spongy on the inside. The biscuits were pretty good. But the boys looked like they enjoyed their Rosati's pizza. I enjoyed not wondering if food was going to be spilled, how long I had with the boys, wondering if Jack was going to be able to enjoy his evening. I got to watch Jack play and laugh and have fun in the comfort of his home, and Nick be able to relax and get stuff done before bedtime. It was good.
My OCD List
Things I would love to work on now that's it's spring and knowing that once Ellie is here, I will be busy and tired in the beginning:
Reorganize the garage - maybe add some hanging shelves to make more room on the floor.
Get the baby room ready and get the baby stuff out of the storage.
Reorganize the storage room.
Mulch the garden beds.
But first, weed the garden beds and remove the dead parts of the perennials.
Put a patio table on the back porch.
Plant in the little garden Jack and I started last year.
Purge/donate some thing that haven't been used in over a year.
Replace Jack's curtains and furniture so there is only three main colors in his room. Green, white and black.
Replace the blinds in the house. We got an estimate from the Blind Man, and man is it expensive.
Get a proper haircut, manicure and pedicure.
Scrapbook 4 years worth of stuff.
Paint the light behind the garage brown - it's the only one left.
Figure out which toys Jack doesn't play with anymore. Put those away to make room for the baby stuff.
Go shopping for Jack's birthday supplies.
Anyone want to help me with me OCD, let me know. ;) Honestly, it makes me feel a little less anxious just putting the list out there.
Reorganize the garage - maybe add some hanging shelves to make more room on the floor.
Get the baby room ready and get the baby stuff out of the storage.
Reorganize the storage room.
Mulch the garden beds.
But first, weed the garden beds and remove the dead parts of the perennials.
Put a patio table on the back porch.
Plant in the little garden Jack and I started last year.
Purge/donate some thing that haven't been used in over a year.
Replace Jack's curtains and furniture so there is only three main colors in his room. Green, white and black.
Replace the blinds in the house. We got an estimate from the Blind Man, and man is it expensive.
Get a proper haircut, manicure and pedicure.
Scrapbook 4 years worth of stuff.
Paint the light behind the garage brown - it's the only one left.
Figure out which toys Jack doesn't play with anymore. Put those away to make room for the baby stuff.
Go shopping for Jack's birthday supplies.
Anyone want to help me with me OCD, let me know. ;) Honestly, it makes me feel a little less anxious just putting the list out there.
The food lady
The dietician was in this morning. She asked me about my weight and my appetite. She asked if they were weighing me daily. It was really good times. I wanted to tell her to stuff it in the nicest way possible.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Tonight's report
Here are a few thoughts for the night:
1. We really can't do dinners here. Nick is tormented (although he won't say so) by picking up food, driving here, getting into the labor/delivery unit (he waited 15 minutes outside the door) and keeping a child from spilling food/drink. I am tormented by his torment. It's easier to each separate. And that will have to be ok with me.
2. My parents will never understand that the are not only a great help but also a great stress factor. I had 3 contractions while on the phone with them tonight.
3. I plan on stuffing my face with oreos. As one of the nurses joked, "Food is all you have control over right now."
4. Based on a rule from Kelly and Neil, I am allowed 24 hours of suckage. I have used up about 8 of those. Can I save the other hours for a different day, or is it a use it or lose it thing?
1. We really can't do dinners here. Nick is tormented (although he won't say so) by picking up food, driving here, getting into the labor/delivery unit (he waited 15 minutes outside the door) and keeping a child from spilling food/drink. I am tormented by his torment. It's easier to each separate. And that will have to be ok with me.
2. My parents will never understand that the are not only a great help but also a great stress factor. I had 3 contractions while on the phone with them tonight.
3. I plan on stuffing my face with oreos. As one of the nurses joked, "Food is all you have control over right now."
4. Based on a rule from Kelly and Neil, I am allowed 24 hours of suckage. I have used up about 8 of those. Can I save the other hours for a different day, or is it a use it or lose it thing?
Bedrest Day 51
I was originally going to call the blog, "the father, the son, and the incompetent cervix" but my sister suggested the mother and daughter - because really it's the two of us stuck here together.
Day 51 of bedrest. Today sucks. But I'm starting not to feel sad like I did earlier. I don't feel sorry for myself. I just feel kinda pissy and scared. Pissy because I want to be with my boys. Pissy that I can't have a normal pregnancy. Pissy that I can't nest and make things in my house just so. Pissy because I have no control over anything accept for what side of my body I lay on. And scared that something will happen to Ellie. I want so much to make her a given for our future, but I am scared to believe that she won't be, and I will have to deal with the loss of a child.
Nick rocks. He is a trooper and a great dad. I realize that his role has come to be because of a choice we both made, but it is still hard. He's single parenting it, working, dealing with a wife who is emotional and hormonal and demanding daily diet cokes. And he stays patient and calm and loving. He's running his ship tight, so if he doesn't accept help from others, it's because he has things just the way he can handle them.
Jack rocks. Besides a few normal emotional moments, the kid is a rock star. He is having fun at school and at Miss Kelly's house, who, besides Nick, he spends most of his time with. He's taking the initiative to stuff on his own. I feel like I'm missing out on so much with him. People say this is only for a short time, but they also say that those 18 years with your kids go by fast, too. So, that is why I don't want to miss out. I am happy to say that he is still very excited to meet Ellie. I was worried that he would resent her, but he is super psyched and wants her to come out now; we've tried to explain the science of maternity to him, but he doesn't care.
I'll try not to post monologues. I have random thoughts throughout the day. Things I need to do, goofy things that pop in my mind. I'll post them.
Day 51 of bedrest. Today sucks. But I'm starting not to feel sad like I did earlier. I don't feel sorry for myself. I just feel kinda pissy and scared. Pissy because I want to be with my boys. Pissy that I can't have a normal pregnancy. Pissy that I can't nest and make things in my house just so. Pissy because I have no control over anything accept for what side of my body I lay on. And scared that something will happen to Ellie. I want so much to make her a given for our future, but I am scared to believe that she won't be, and I will have to deal with the loss of a child.
Nick rocks. He is a trooper and a great dad. I realize that his role has come to be because of a choice we both made, but it is still hard. He's single parenting it, working, dealing with a wife who is emotional and hormonal and demanding daily diet cokes. And he stays patient and calm and loving. He's running his ship tight, so if he doesn't accept help from others, it's because he has things just the way he can handle them.
Jack rocks. Besides a few normal emotional moments, the kid is a rock star. He is having fun at school and at Miss Kelly's house, who, besides Nick, he spends most of his time with. He's taking the initiative to stuff on his own. I feel like I'm missing out on so much with him. People say this is only for a short time, but they also say that those 18 years with your kids go by fast, too. So, that is why I don't want to miss out. I am happy to say that he is still very excited to meet Ellie. I was worried that he would resent her, but he is super psyched and wants her to come out now; we've tried to explain the science of maternity to him, but he doesn't care.
I'll try not to post monologues. I have random thoughts throughout the day. Things I need to do, goofy things that pop in my mind. I'll post them.
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