Haven't blogged in a bit. More like haven't written my thoughts down, mostly for myself to process what I'm thinking. Things have gotten better over the last week. I don't cry all the time. I don't cry very often actually. But I feel like I am just so-so a lot of the time. I started exercising this week. I did the C25K, which a lot of friend seem to be doing, and made it to W1D2 today. I kinda get sad when I exercise. Probably because I know I can now. But I like being alone and somewhat sad/angry by myself because the rest of the day, I need to put on a happy face for my little kid. And it's easy sometimes to do that because he's a funny little dude who really makes me happy to be around.
Preschool isn't going as smoothly as I had hoped. The teach talked to us on Tuesday saying that J just isn't... progressing in that particulat classroom. He's been upset a couple of times in the past two weeks. He's been looking for me. He won't explore or play with other kids. They think it's because he's the youngest and the shortest. It broke my heart when she had the conversation with me. Not because he has disappointed me, because that would take horrible acts to make me disappointed in him. It's because he's struggling, and I didn't prepare him as much as I could have; I should have prepared him more. I should have taken him out more. And with everything going on with us right now, it hurts more to see him hurt. Not just that, with me being even less social, how am I suppose to help him be more social? So we have moved to the 2-3 year classroom where there are a number of kids who have birthdays around his (and then a bunch of 2 year olds). It was an easy decision to make because all I could think about was his happiness and confidence.
Tomorrow is when I would have reached my 13 weeks, my second trimester. We had an ultrasound scheduled for tomorrow; we would have seen our baby.
And hopefully my very understanding friends will read this part. I have shut a lot of people out. I make comments on facebook, but that's easy. I don't have to look at people's faces and deal with the face to face factors. Typing is so much easier than conversations. But how do I not add Bub into my conversations? And how do I deal with the pain if I do bring him up or see a baby or something that remind me of him. I am struggling with getting back on the social horse, which I wasn't that fantastic to begin with. Give me a little bit more time. I'm trying. I do miss you guys. I miss karaoke and potlucks. I miss lunches at Culvers.
