a few things

cleaning/organizing is almost as much of a high as a good diet coke/chocolate buzz. next week is the beginning of the annual dump n' run at the local university and i couldn't be more excited. mom would be having a heart attack - makes me feel so proud. ;)

curious j and i bought playdough today and we are now using our construction and farm vehicles to flatten, grind and scoop them. love it!

until today, we have had a lovely time outside. i started making a border around my beds in the backyard. talk about a caffeine buzz. nothing like a sense of accomplishment to make you feel good. maybe that's why i like cleaning. i know some people think i'm obsessive, including myself, but it gives me a goal. and as a stay at home parent, you don't get a lot of completions.

i have been back to exercising thanks to quigs for watching j twice a week for me. this week, i started using the rowing machine and boy to i feel the workout. while i haven't lost any weight, my body is becoming more muscle and i notice the fat around my hips and waist is less. for once in my life, i am satisfied with that result as opposed to weight loss and can't wait to go back to the gym again. yeah.

i still eat crap, but my dessert and portion sizes have gone down. i'm not ready to give up the crap foods i like to eat, but i can control the amount and the frequency. i don't want to force myself to start something i'm not committed to. progress not perfection. (thanks, stuart smalley)

sadly with not eating as much of the stuff i love to eat, i have bumped up the amount of diet coke i drink. this probably contributes to the nausea i have been getting lately since i have probably rotted out my stomach. but unless i get pregnant, i can not ready to give that up either.

speaking of pregnant, we are still in trying mode. last month was a low point for me - too many pregnancy tests and too much of a let down. i realize i sound - obsessive (oh wait, that's who i am), but i have wanted this badly. my friends know not to ask me if i'm knocked up yet (seriously, that is), but acquaintances are asking about a #2 and it makes me feel sad.

however, then i get in panic mode wondering if i would be a good parent to two kids, if i will survive the lack of sleep, how that will effect our relationship with j. i love him and the time we spend as a family is wonderful (you know, most of the time). would the quality of love i give him go down with having a second child? and would that second child get the quality of love he or she deserves?

gods that was a depressing Grey's Anatomy last night. i cried. but it involves death, so you know i'm a sucker right there.

ok. that's it for now. if you don't here from me electronically, it's because i am having computer problems. my power port isn't working very well and i only have about 15 minutes on my battery (fully charged).

peace out, word to your mother.

I'm still here

So yesterday I went to my counselor's office. This time, we talked about the fact that I recently went back up on my antidepressant medication. He asked me questions about if I noticed changes in my mood gradually or all of a sudden. I usually don't notice until I get to a point where I could stay in bed all the time and don't feel motivated to do anything, socially, parentally, or personally. The big indicator is that I start focusing more on morality to a point where it effects my behavior. I thought I was doing better on the lower dosage, but I was wrong. After taking the higher dosage for about a week or so, I have noticed that, while still tired, I get up, dressed and out more, socialize more, and have more quality time with my child.

What does it mean? I have chronic depression. It's not a fluke or an overprescribing from my doctors. It's not just postpartum. I have been on antidepressant medications for 10 years this year. When I went off of them the first time, I was so depressed that I told BDR he needed to divorce me; I felt like he was having to take too much care of me and that wasn't his job. I cried all the time. BDR had to have lunch with me every day because I felt so alone, and even when he did, I still felt alone. And if you think I am OCD now, it was far worse then. That was the one and only time I went off medication. Since then, it's a matter of figuring out dosage for my body.

BDR has always been supportive of me taking medication with out making me feel like a freak. He compares depression to someone with diabetes. You need it to make your body work because it's a chemical issue. And in both situations, you get in a place where you feel really good and you don't think you need your medicine; but if you stop taking it, you body comes crashing down. It's not a just mind over matter thing.

Sometimes, like with my recent med increase, I am reminded that I have a chemical imbalance that makes me depressed, and I will need to take medication for depression for the long haul. It sucks, but it could be worse. And while BDR (and friends for that matter) never makes me feel that way, I feel like weak because I still believe I can teach myself how to not feel depressed. So off to bed I go... and I can't forget to take my medicine.