I love my life. I love my family and the way we work. I love being able to stay at home with the kids. I love where I love, and and I love my friends. That being said, I sometimes think my family and friends get the raw end of the deal. What do I offer them? It's funny, I know who I am more now then when I was younger, but I offer less of myself to others now and have less factors that really make me stand apart from others. I am absent-minded and neurotic. I like wearing my pajamas or sweatpants almost all the time.
I focus more on my little family then anyone else out there. I think I am a good wife and mom. Not perfect, but definitely not bad. I will send my kids to therapy for one reason or another (or 10 reasons), but they probably won't become serial killers because of me. I stink at teaching my children coping mechanisms. Nick can just joke the hurt away. Amazing.
My family of origin and my friends are not given the same kind of attention. I don't remember important dates or what people are doing for the week. I don't donate to their causes or buy gifts. If they are lucky, I call them once a week or so. I am, for all intensive purposes, lazy. I think that having always had to do something every minute of the day until I graduated from college made me feel exhausted afterwards. And once I was only responsible to Nick and to a job, everything else was not a priority. I liked having no other things on my schedule. I spend too much money (although not crazy amounts, just too much). I drink too much soda and like too many sweets.
I would rather have a lovely, clean and organized house instead of going on vacation. Leaving on a trip is too much effort. And when you return home, the only thing you do is make the house messy with all the laundry and toys brought on the trip. Man, I am a bummer.
But then I meet other women who make crafts, exercise, and volunteer, and work, and take their kids places. I want to be the girl who is totally on top of things again, but I don't. That girl was extremely uptight. Now I am just partially uptight. I make more jokes and laugh more. The few relationships I do have now are more quality. I will probably never make a big dent in the community, even close to a dent I made in high school or college. I won't be a size 2, 4 or even 6 ever again in life, but I have two beautiful kids that added a little bit more "hippage" to my body. I'll take the hips for my kids any day. But like I said in my first sentence, I have a good life and I love it.
So as I sit here processing, I need to look at what I want to work on. I want to work on better quality relationships. While I may only have a handful of really good friends, I want to be able to offer them what they give me. And if i let others down, I'm sorry; but I'm not at the same time. I'm going to work harder on eating lunch in more. Maybe less (gulp) fountain sodas. I'm going to try to figure out how to get more involved in the community, whether it be my kids' school or an organization that I really believe in. I may not donate to causes all over the place, but I'll give where I can.
Ok, that's it for now. I don't know if anyone remembers I'm out here - it's been that long. I like processing externally. I am not writing this to having someone flatter me with comments to make me feel better. I am sincerely trying to process who I am and where I am going with people. I don't want bullshit answers.
And I thank and love the people who love me, even with my faults. I don't get it, but I appreciate it. They have shown me what true love is.
