Tonight I bid you an adavan goodnight

Good day this morning. Convinced my doctor to play plants vs zombies when he say I was trying to make felt stuffed animals of the characters. Then i had a visit with Kelly. Kelly let's me call my son a genius... we've talk about it and even people like serial killers are genius. But he's a genius; it's going to be something big. ;)

After my every other day shower today, I started feeling weaker and had more pressure. I didn't eat much dinner because I felt nauseated. I started contracting and hyperventilating. Fortunately, Dana came by to visit, so I made her do the talking. She was like a stand up comedian. :) That helped. What also helped was having some very dry-witted nurses. Love them. They also seem to remain very calm while I am freaking out. That helps me stay calm in between my hyper breathing.

The nurse and the doc talked tonight and decided to give me a stronger medicine for anxiety. It was given before 9pm, but I am still awake 2 hours later. Although relaxed and sleepy. I think this might be a good substitute for the two nighttime drugs to help me relax and sleep. So peace out ya'll.

I bid you all an ambien goodnight

When I lost Bub in September, I was heartbroken. One song gave me some kind of comfort and for the past day or so, I have been thinking about it and about Bub, and Jack and Ellie. My kids. I love them all. I won't be able to really explain to everyone that my 6-week-old fetus died, but his name was Bub, and we loved him. That info is more for close friends and family. So here and now, I say to you that I have had 3 children. I will only be raising two of them, but there will always be 3 in my heart. Goodnight my sweet children.

Paul Simon's Mother and Child Reunion. Here are the lyrics:

No I would not give you false hope
On this strange and mournful day
But the mother and child reu-nion
Is only a motion away, oh, little darling of mine.
I cant for the life of me
Remember a sadder day
I know they say let it be
But it just dont work out that way
And the course of a lifetime runs
Over and over again

No I would not give you false hope
On this strange and mournful day
But the mother and child reu-nion
Is only a motion away, oh, little darling of mine.

I just cant believe its so,
And though it seems strange to say
I never been laid so low
In such a mysterious way
And the course of a lifetime runs
Over and over again

But I would not give you false hope
On this strange and mournful day
When the mother and child reu-nion
Is only a motion away,
Oh, oh the mother and child reunion
Is only a motion away
Oh the mother and child reu-nion
Is only a moment away

Paul said of the inspiration for the song, "Last summer we had a dog that was run over and killed, and we loved this dog. It was the first death I had ever experienced personally. Nobody in my family died that I felt that. But I felt this loss -- one minute there, next minute gone, and then my first thought was, "Oh, man, what if that was (my wife) Peggy? What if somebody like that died? Death, what is it, I can't get it." And there were lyrics straight out forward like that. The chorus for "Mother and Child Reunion" -- well, that's out of the title. Somehow there was a connection between this death and Peggy and it was like Heaven, I don't know what the connection was. Some emotional connection. It didn't matter to me what it was. I just knew it was there."

Like mother, like daughter

Oh yeah, one more thing... I told the sonographer that all that pushing around was going to lead to revenge on me later. I was right. That little girl is kicking my a...bdomen. Fortunately, I got my ambien at 9pm, so maybe she and I will sleep well tonight. I'm also feeding her baked lays, which are carbs, which make you sleepy.

Say "cheese"

So we had our ultrasound today. It took almost an hour for it because they tested Ellie to see if she practiced breathing within a half hour. Little girl, who hiccups a lot on me (a sign of breathing), didn't practice until 28 minutes. :) She really is going to be stubborn.

I love Ellie. She moved more like a baby today then ever before (not shock there) and watching her yawn and cover her eyes with her hands made me so happy. It was our little girl doing baby stuff. And before we know it, she will be making that yawning face to us.

Let's see... she's head down (and hiccuping as I type), 2lbs., 13oz., and hanging out very low. But my cervix is still closed, it was measured about 1.1cm, not as short as the .8 I had, but not as long as before. So we'll take it. I am one week off from being 30 weeks, which means I can deliver here from then on out.

And I should be getting that ambien on time tonight, and everyone has been knocking first.

Someone is getting a catheter down the hall, so I consider myself lucky. Have you ever had one of those? Yeah, it sucks rocks.

29 weeks, baby

So it's 29 weeks today. Woot! It's a semi-busy day. I have already had a volunteer with the paper, Dr. Smith and a visit from the nurses 2 times. I got weighed, and I'm very pleased with the amount of weight I have gained since I got pregnant. I have an ultrasound at 1pm, and a dance for bedrest patients at 9pm. Ambien and diet cokes will be served.

It's not a good sign when your doctor tells you that you are his healthiest patient. But I'll take it.

Oh what a night...

#1 and #2 have been here today. Both have proven to be not as bad as I initially gave them credit for. I have been uncomfortable this afternoon and this evening so they monitored me for a while. The nurse who delivered Jack worked today, too, and she makes me feel so much better. But I asked #2 for an ambien again so I could get a relaxing night's sleep and she said, "we'll see." FUCK! Sorry for the language, but I could use a good night's sleep tonight. So I am a little bit pissy. I am tired, but not relaxed. FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!

Limbo

How low can this little girl go. I feel her body really low by my pelvic bones and stuff down there. It's not comfortable. But hey, at least she's moving and not making me go into labor.

Still have a sick boy at home. :( Work for Nick is stressful so my folks stayed another day so Nick wouldn't have to worry about rushing home. Tomorrow the ILs are suppose to be here to help out.

I got to shave my legs today. It was very exciting stuff. :)

2 more days until 29 weeks

Dude, I'm only 2 days away from 29 weeks. Woot. Would you believe I have been on bedrest for almost 9 weeks. It's crazy. I read only a little bit of information about what would happen if I delivered at 29 weeks; and while it's not even close to ideal, it isn't even nearly as bad as when I first found out 9 weeks ago. She wasn't viable when we found out, not there is a pretty good chance of survival. And then I'm only 9 days away from 30 weeks. Woot.

I had dinner with Nick tonight and a visit from the folks this evening. So I have gotten human contact today. Nick was making me laugh so hard, I was worried I was going to go into labor.

Little girl

On Sunday, Ellie was not moving a lot. During her monitoring session, her heart beat would slow down and then come back up immediately. It made me uncomfortable knowing that if something were to go wrong, there was nothing I could do about it.

However, for the past two days, this little girl has been moving up a storm. Yesterday, I could feel either her butt or her head keep flipping on my left side. Today, she is back but stretched out more. I would bed to say that her butt is on my left abdomen and her feet are in my right ribs. I love it.

It's so hard to imagine her as real most of the time. I think I don't want to get my heart broken so I am not spending tons of time talking to her one on one. Criticize me, but it feels like a coping mechanism. What if something does go wrong? I am so close to the goal I can almost taste it, but something things don't play out the way you want. I know I sound pessimistic, but when you are left alone with your thoughts and no quality daytime tv, worrying ensues - well for those who are genetically linked to my parents and their parents.

I drank the Kool-aid and I won

I passed my glucose test. So I can continue to stuff my face with sweets if I choose to. Woot!

I got to cuddle with my little one today. We watched puppies and fish and giggled. Heaven.

I had two visitors tonight. I got a carbonated diet coke (from Sonic). A visit eith the folks. And chocolate chip/peanut butter cookies. What a rockin' day.

The haircut photo

Ok, it's pretty bad on the bottom back. I will need assistance after all.

Don't drink the koolaid

This morning, I have a lovely visit from my doc. I get a visit from him every morning now that I'm here. I asked him if I needed to keep those blood circulation boots on all day, and he said no. I told him that some of the nurses make sure that I wear them all the time, and he said I don't have to be complient and I should speak up. Love my doctor. Ultrasound of my cervix is on Friday. We'll see what's left of it.

Also this morning, I got to take my blood sugar test. Aren't you all just jealous? Never had one? Well you have to drink an 8-10 oz cup of sugary liquid. It tastes like sunkist without the carbonation. And you have to drink it in 5 minutes. No pressure. I liked the nurse who gave it to me because she giggled as she said she was sorry to do this to me. But she told me she had to take this test every week when she was pregnant, so I told her she had a right to giggle.

My parents are coming into town today. Nick has a chance to work late the next couple of nights, which I know will help relieve some of his work stress. The boys visited last night, which is the highlight of my day. I talked to my college roommate and very good friend, Carie, on Skype last night. I love that we can pick up where we left off. It stinks that she lives so far away, but I'm glad we got to do the video chat.

Don't make too much fun of me, but...

I cut my own hair. Not the top or the top back, but the over-the-ears, bangs and the neck. I can't see my neck area, but here's hoping I didn't do too bad of a job. I figured by the time I'm off bedrest, I should be regrown in the area and ready for a proper haircut.

Amendment

Nurse #2, after explaining my inability to comprehend much for a goood portion of the day, was willing to give me the ambien. And after talking with her for a few minutes, I felt much less annoyed. Nurse #1 is still on my shitlist. :)

And I got over myself earlier.

Going Loco

I think I might be losing my mind tonight. I was lucky enough to have a visitor this morning, but my boys decided (mostly Jack) to stay in their pjs all day. (Something that has not happened in a couple of weeks but well deserved.) As you have read in my earlier post (you did, right? Right?), today was not the ideal nursing staff. Food did not sound appealing tonight. Just liquids. Plus throughout the day, I have had mini panic attacks start happening when I think about the fact that I am stuck in this room. It feels like being trapped in an elevator or a tube - although really, those are worse. It's just psychological. Plus I am having these random thoughts of bad things happening to the boys, as if my being with them will protect them. Shit happens, and I have very little control over anything in this life. Just my choices and my attitude. Yeah, I'll keep telling myself that and taking my meds.

I know, death is a much worse. Being terminally or chronically sick is much worse. Having a sick child is much, much worse. I could find more, they just came to mind first. Nick told me a story yesterday. Jack and Nick were coming to visit me and a woman entered the elevator when they did. Jack pushed the "3" button and the woman pushed the "2" button. Jack turned to the lady and said, "I'm going to see my mom." The lady said, "I'm going to see my son in the ICU."

Bitchfest

Today, I ended up with my two least favorite nurses. Nurse #1 talks to me like a child. I even got a pout the first time a met her.The day that I found out I was staying here for another 8 weeks, she was bragging about all her grandchildren that are coming in her happy little life. I wanted to punch her in the face. I know, she should be allowed to, but that day, I felt pissed to not have a normal pregnancy.

Nurse #2 usually only works until 11pm, so she refuses to give me my ambien (to help me sleep) until 11pm. Problem is I sleep pretty much all morning, I miss lunch and sleep a little bit of the afternoon away. It sucks, and it makes me feel depressed. She believes that because the 11pm staff need to do my vitals, she doesn't want me to have to be woken up. Why she can't take my vitals or why I can't be woken up (which, most likely, I will still be awake waiting for the ambien to kick in) I don't know. She doesn't believe me when I tell her that I stay awake for a couple of hours after taking it. So today I avoided falling asleep at all so maybe I won't need the ambien tonight. Oh yeah, and today she reminded me to order dinner. Yeah, I am not a kid.

I am sure both of these nurses are being nice, but they just annoy me. Everyone else seems to be mindful of me being a hormonal woman who is trapped in a hospital bed away from her family for a long period of time.... and ready to lose her mind if she is pushed too hard.

Two general comments for anyone who wants to avoid me going off:
Don't talk to me as if I am not making this child the first priority by telling me how to lay, or what to eat or drink, or worrying I won't take my meds. Seriously. I will start swinging.

Don't just open my door. Knock first, and maybe wait until I say COME IN. The only people in my life who are allowed to walk in are the people I live with everyday.