My innocent little boy. ;)

Today, J and I went to a birthday party for one of his school friends. It was super fun at the local gymnastics center for little ones. J was happy to see his "very best friend" at the party and the two of them were pretty inseparable for the duration of the party. During the first half of the party, the kids got to play on the gym equipment and also did some structured activities. I realized that my little guy might need something like gymnastics to jump and climb and practice for his future as a stuntman.

There were mostly girls at the party, but a few boys. My J has "grown up" for lack of a better word. He was once the kid I was worried about being pummelled, and now he is the one getting called out for playing swords (see below).



On one hand, I am happy to see that he can handle himself with the crowd he plays with; on the other hand, I worry that my kid will be known as the mastermind of some kind of war among his classmates or friends. That's right Curious J fans, my kid is not that innocent.

Different parents have different rules, especially about rough play. Some have no touching or no weapons rule. Some are fine as long as it's mutual and no one is getting hurt. Of course, some completely ignore their children and allow them to totally terrorize other kids. I lean more to the second attitude, but I also try to respect the other parent if they do not believe in rough play. Because up until this past 6 months or so, I was a no rough play parent. I still get a little stomach churn waiting for someone to get hurt.

We'll wait and see if it's just a "boy thing" as so many people tell me it is, or if I should expect BE to be throwing punches in a couple of years. ;P

This will not fly one day

See that picture? That is the picture of a little boy who will one day have revenge seeked on him for touching his little sister's cheeks. I want to warn him (as a child who had her cheeks pinched by her older sister) that biting and slapping will be consequences if he continue to do that.

God (this is a long one)

For many, many years I was brought up to Christian. I knew what right from wrong was. I knew Jesus died for my sins. I remember moments in my life where I accepted Jesus as my savior.

I also remember when I first lost my faith. And after finding it again, lost it yet again. That time, for good. And as I get older, I find that as much as I want to believe - the way I did as a child, I am more sure of the fact that there is no one being out in the universe who is guiding us, helping us. I really believe that if there was this being out there that had control over so much, that he or she or it would not let such horrific things happen to good people. To children. To the innocent. Someone once told me that maybe God got the universe started and then took his/her hands out of it. Allowed nature to take it's course. And while I was a Christian that excuse comforted me because it meant that someone wasn't out there picking and choosing who would get the lucky life.

The Christian in me is scared to death of being wrong about the afterlife.... of there being a God who will banish me from heaven, from my family, from happiness, because I didn't believe in him/her. There are so many different religions. And so many that say "either our way or you are doomed to roam hell for all eternity." That is too many people who are roaming hell for all eternity out there with many more to come. Many of them are good people who are just trying to do the right thing in their daily lives.

I still pray to my god. I still make deals with my god. I am sure there are plenty of people in the world who would be willing to make a bargain if it were possible. I have been given many blessings, with not nearly as many bad experiences as others. And when I think of how arrogant I can be, how ungrateful I can be, I feel extremely undeserving of those blessings. Why was I given this life? Why can't someone else be given the goodness they so deserve? Is part of it the perspective you keep?

This is the part where we talk about science and probability, and sociology and psychology. How we have created the world we live in by our behavior. How science effects how our planet functions, including how we have treated (and abused) our planet. Everyone in the world effects everyone else, whether it be directly or through a chain reaction. And science allows us to make educated guesses on how things are going to happen. That's what I believe.

I have rambled. But tonight, I go to bed thinking that if there was that god out there, I would be feeling a little pissy at him/her. Not for myself. But for all the people who are deserving of happiness and safety. The children who deserve to be loved and fed and sheltered. The shitty people who just keep on being shitty with very little consequence.

I don't advertise my beliefs to everyone; my kids don't even know (too confusing at this age). I am vocal to the people who know. I have a lot of religious friends who I respect. I admire their faith in someone greater than this earth. That little girl in me is worried that I will be looked down on or defriended for being a non-believer. But when the push comes to shove, I cannot make that leap of faith. And to try to pretend I do believe, would not be right with me. But trust me, I would love to believe in an afterlife; ceasing to exist after dying does not soothe me at all.

My beautiful boy

I got lucky. I got to do Curious J's bedtime tonight. That meants from about 7:15pm on, he was all mine to hang out with. He chose to hang out in a box for a while. We talked a little, and then we read magazines. The sweet boy shared some sensitive stuff with me, too. First, he asked if our house would be in heaven. I said, "No, but from what I hear, you will be very happy when you get there." He said to me, "I don't want to leave earth, I like it here." My reply, "Me, too, kid."

The second was after I told him I was going to Pastor M's ordination in March. A few minutes later, he said, "I don't want you to leave our family." Me: "Why would I leave our family?" J: "When you go away." Me: "I am only going to be gone for a few days, and I will never leave this family."
- Of course, being the airplane phobic I am, I wanted to ask if he knew something I didn't. ;)

Even though I feel like I spend most of my day keeping him in line, and even though nine times out of ten he would choose his dad, I am glad to see we can still have some special moments together.

My adorable family

BDR is showing me videos of J when he was the same age as BE. Scarily enough, J was pulling himself up and crawling. But his verbals were nowhere near BE's abilities. Comparing? No. Just realizing their strengths are in different areas. And it's learning to use those strengths as confidence builders while working on the improvement areas. The good news is that BE looks like J when he was a baby. So I guess that means they are biologically connected. ;)

Blog #1 for the night: Debbie Downer

So this blog is one of those that you write when you feel kinda pissy about the way the world works. You get tired of the haters. So make it known, I am not complaining about my life. I love my life. I don't have a bad life, I had bad moments in life, although really very seldom. And when I am hydrated, fed, rested, and medicated, I know just how good I have it. Even when one or more of those things are missing, I'm still pretty aware of it.

Now that we've established that. I hope all the people out there, who spend most of their time complaining about their lives when really they have it good, to shut the eff up. And if you THINK that's you, it's probably NOT you. I know, because I am the paranoid type, too. Because the people who do think life is so effing' tough usually don't realize that they have it as good as they do. Healthy? Roof over your head? Fed? Not being abused? No traumatic events in your life? You are loved by at least one person in your life in this world? Friends?

And remember that someone else's grass may seem greener from where you are standing, but unless you know the whole story, you can't just assume that things are all merry and sunshine. Because some people put on happy faces even when something awful is happening to them.

Ok, this hypocryte is going to write a happier blog now.

The weekend in review (update: a gripe of the weekend)

(Skip to the end for the positive part)
This weekend we decided to head down to our hometown to go to a going away party for my sister, Pastor M, who is about to get her own congregation as a pastor. I guess that is what those people are call. Denominations seem to use different words to describe the person with the same job.

Anyway, it gave us a chance to see my dad who just turned 70 and see my MIL, who is about to turn 62. Plus Curious J has been asking for a sleepover at his Gibbo's house (my MIL) since the last time he was there at Christmas. We also got to see my extended family on my dad's side at this shindig. Because it seems a little too ironic to travel TO a going away party from AWAY. ;)

BE did AWESOME on the way down. The entire family was talking during the car ride down. She even took two naps while I got to sit next to BDR. Seriously, awesome. The tricky part became that she did not take an afternoon nap during or shortly after the party. So at bedtime, she was very tired. Very tired in a different environment then her own. And to top it all off, BE has been a bad sleeper lately. I have held her for multiple hours during the night for the past 4 or 5 nights. Funny, because she is finally a very happy girl during the day. It can never be simple, right? So BE was up three times before 11pm. After everyone went to bed and she woke up I just decided to sit in the chair and hold her the next time she woke up. Well, that was stupid. She stayed awake until 1am, at which time she demanded a bottle to go back to sleep (in other words, she cried and cried no matter what I did until a bottle was given). Then we sat in the ever so comfortable chair tossing and turning until about 7am at which time she woke up. I try to not make BDR take baby duty on the trip down because I need him to be awake for the car ride home.

I hit a near breaking point last night. To not be able to sleep in my bed for majority of a night is really starting to mess with my head and my parenting. So as I sit here at 9:30pm, I am going to finish this blog and head to bed.

This morning, we (more like my ILs) promised J a donut for breakfast, but because of slowness, we didn't leave the house until close to lunch. To be fair, I have no problem with them giving him donuts for breakfast when we visit. Trying to coordinate two families to meetup, we had to reschedule donuts until after lunch and a trip to the toystore. You'd think I didn't just say trip to the toystore because he was not very happy to have to reschedule the donuts. Fortunately, he thoroughly enjoyed the toy store. Got some awesome toys purchased by his grandparents. Even BE got a couple of toys and a few very comfortable outfits that are easy to get on and off.

The trip back home was mediocre. BE didn't get more than 5 minute naps this morning or early afternoon. She is not a baby who can be transported sleeping. (Sigh) There really is something to having a schedule for her and I. So after she woke up in the middle of the car ride home, she was very angry - to the point of throwing up. I got to enjoy the rest of the car ride smushed between two carseats. Good times. I have never looked so forward to getting back to a Monday routine.

I do want to point out a few things that were positive.
1. It was nice to see my extended family again. We are all getting older; who knows how long we will continue to be able to do this. We were able to get in some good arguments - it wouldn't be a visit without them.
2. BDR and I got to enjoy two of our eateries from high school. Imo's pizza and Burt's Chuckwagon. (and Krispy Kreme, which was not around in high school)
3. J loved seeing his family. And while he loves everyone, he especially enjoyed hanging out with his Uncle, Ranger. Maybe it's because Ranger can act like a kid himself or the fact that he works with kids as a job. Listening to them talk last night was one of the highlights of the weekend.
4. J's got some cool new toys. LEGO sets! WOO HOO!
5. BE has been using her arms so much more this weekend. Grabbing bottles, grabbing toys, grabbing faces. It's beautiful.
6. As exhausted as I am, I have been enjoying that BE can now fall asleep on my chest. I got to enjoy that a few times this weekend.
7. As I am reminded by a very good person, no matter how annoyed I get with my family, they're intentions are always good. That makes me an extremely lucky person. And I know that. Hopefully the feeling is mutual. Even the annoying part. ;)
8. That beautiful 60 degree weather (yup, it was 60 there).
9. That car ride to our destination is one of those moments that will always stick with me. We were all participating in talking and singing. It made me happy.

See, I can find the good too. I'm just tired and cranky. Do you eyes hurt yet from reading so much. Then go to bed.