Three Weeks

Just a quick blog then I'm off to bed. Today marks three weeks since I was told we lost our baby. I am doing ok. I had a playdate today. I went to dinner with friends and our kids. It was nice. And I didn't feel as sad (for myself) seeing babies, pregnant ladies, or multiple children families. Does this mean I'm going into acceptance already?

I still get sad. I had a really big cry on the way home from exercising on Saturday. The gym is my place to think about Bub. When I start feeling the burn from the running, I start thinking about the burn in my heart. The physical part of me healed so quickly after the DandC and that bothered me. Now I have a physical pain makes my heart feel better.

I don't feel depressed (thank you prozac). But I still feel pissed watching parents treat their kids shitty (and I mean shitty); I get angry that they are allowed to be parents when there are people out there who would be good parents who don't get to have kids.

I don't cry every time I talk about the miscarriage.

We'll just have to keep on moving one foot in front of the other.

Now I just won't sleep because of the article I just read about the 5 person family who got shot by an intruder and the article that said a man shot two intruders as self-defense. All in the local Illinois area. There are such things as monsters, they just look human. (I won't be telling J about these people yet).

New day. Week 2, run 2 tomorrow. Feel the burn.

Oh and I'm getting a root canal on my birthday. Totally by choice. People don't need to say poor thing. Seriously, this is nothing compared to the beginning of the month. And most likely it was be easy; it's not like the pain i went through last summer with this tooth. Just do me one favor, please don't send me a birthday card that says "I'm sorry you lost your baby." While I appreciate the though, it really sucks to be told happy birthday and my condolences in the same card.

ok, now I'm done.

Update

Haven't blogged in a bit. More like haven't written my thoughts down, mostly for myself to process what I'm thinking. Things have gotten better over the last week. I don't cry all the time. I don't cry very often actually. But I feel like I am just so-so a lot of the time. I started exercising this week. I did the C25K, which a lot of friend seem to be doing, and made it to W1D2 today. I kinda get sad when I exercise. Probably because I know I can now. But I like being alone and somewhat sad/angry by myself because the rest of the day, I need to put on a happy face for my little kid. And it's easy sometimes to do that because he's a funny little dude who really makes me happy to be around.

Preschool isn't going as smoothly as I had hoped. The teach talked to us on Tuesday saying that J just isn't... progressing in that particulat classroom. He's been upset a couple of times in the past two weeks. He's been looking for me. He won't explore or play with other kids. They think it's because he's the youngest and the shortest. It broke my heart when she had the conversation with me. Not because he has disappointed me, because that would take horrible acts to make me disappointed in him. It's because he's struggling, and I didn't prepare him as much as I could have; I should have prepared him more. I should have taken him out more. And with everything going on with us right now, it hurts more to see him hurt. Not just that, with me being even less social, how am I suppose to help him be more social? So we have moved to the 2-3 year classroom where there are a number of kids who have birthdays around his (and then a bunch of 2 year olds). It was an easy decision to make because all I could think about was his happiness and confidence.

Tomorrow is when I would have reached my 13 weeks, my second trimester. We had an ultrasound scheduled for tomorrow; we would have seen our baby.

And hopefully my very understanding friends will read this part. I have shut a lot of people out. I make comments on facebook, but that's easy. I don't have to look at people's faces and deal with the face to face factors. Typing is so much easier than conversations. But how do I not add Bub into my conversations? And how do I deal with the pain if I do bring him up or see a baby or something that remind me of him. I am struggling with getting back on the social horse, which I wasn't that fantastic to begin with. Give me a little bit more time. I'm trying. I do miss you guys. I miss karaoke and potlucks. I miss lunches at Culvers.

Today

Feeling a little sad today. There were a lot of baby pictures up on facebook - ultrasounds, newborns. It just made me sad; our baby that I was looking forward to meeting is not going to be met. I know this will get easier. I am thrilled for my close friends who are expecting or new parents. I don't want them to be afraid to share with me; I would never want them to experience this sadness for themselves. I want joy for them.

I am managing things better and not feeling sad every minute. I also can't be sad for our little man. His teacher spoke to me yesterday. Yesterday at school he got a boo boo and cried for a long while. Then he asked his teacher if she had a baby in her belly and she said no. She thinks he might still be processing the situation. J seems to talk about Bub almost every day. And my reaction to his comments needs to be one that allows him to feel comfortable to talk to me.

BTW, the visit with the folks went well. My mom worked her ass off to not ask a lot of questions and force any conversations. Props to her. They "spoiled" us a bit. Both sets of parents "spoiled" us. And when I say spoiled, I mean they bought us chocolate covered almonds and provided meals for us. I am confident that I would try to spoil my kid if he went through something similar. I mean, hey, I bought my kid toys right after we lost Bub, so I guess I know exactly how they feel.

Sorry I am bringing all you readers down. This is a place for me to process. Please don't feel the need to say "the right thing". Like I said, this is a place to process.

The next challenge

The next challenge that will be coming to me is Tuesday. The parents. I know they are grieving for me and for themselves, but I am not really wanting to share with them right now. I am struggling because my mom is trying so hard to extract information from me. She has techniques that are only used by the best interrogators. No. The truth is, she is my mom, and it is hard to break out of the cycle of being her "little girl", even if it not what I want. I'm nervous about seeing them. The sadness and pity they will have for me. The wanting to hug me even if I don't feel like it.

I invited my mother-in-law to watch Jack when I had my D&C. She has experienced this before as well. I called my folks for their blessing because I knew they would be disappointed, no matter how much they tried to be supportive. And as their daughter, I still hate their disappointment. And their grieving, too. As a parent, I know that feeling of wanting to comfort your child. But as an adult, I know what I want to do to make it through this.

I've already starting this about other issues of acclimating to normal life. Having sex after a miscarriage, his due date, holidays. Right now, many things are making me think of Bub. Going for a walk, looking at crab grass because I wasn't able to use chemicals on it, drinking caffeine, eating hot dogs,. Shit this sucks.

I don't have post title. It just seems stupid to put one in right now.

I am looking for a fight. You know how they talk about the 5 stages of grief. Besides the depression stage today, I'm in anger right now... not with any friends or family. I'm looking for a fight with strangers who are doing something stupid to other people or to me. I'm hoping to bump into old "friends" who will say something stupid so I can get angry back.

I also spoiled my kid with toys today. He doesn't need anymore; but it felt good for about 10 minutes. I'm getting my highs where I can right now.

Speaking of highs, I'm trying to decide between stuffing my face or not eating anything. It's weird. I know my body is hungry, but I don't FEEL hunger. I either want to starve or stuff my face with crap. I know it doesn't make sense, but right now, I don't make sense.

I gotta give huge praise to BDR. He is taking care of J and J's little fits. He's letting me be weird and not making me feel bad about it. He's letting me make all the decision about this and is being 100% supportive of the choices I make. I have learned that I feel closer to him from this experience.

What a difference a day makes.

I have had all these thoughts today and I need somewhere to put them.

Today was Curious J's first day of preschool. I will remember him eating cream of wheat for his first day's breakfast. I will remember him holding Nick and my hand as we walked into the building. I will remember feeling a little nervous but extremely proud as he walked in and immediately went to the toys, without even looking back to ask where I would be. I will remember picking him up from school and how great of a mood he was in when I picked him up.

I will remember taking J to the library to check out Transformers books. Him getting told by the librarian not to run, which made me giggle a little (but I didn't ignore it).

I will remember that today is the day that I found out Bub was dead. I will remember the feeling of seeing him on the monitor and not moving. I will remember the immediate feeling of remorse. I will remember the kindness that the staff gave to me at that moment of sadness, even though I didn't want them to say anything, but knew they were only trying. I will remember waiting for BDR to get to the office. I will remember how BDR immediately hugged me when he came into the room and asked me if I was alright. I will remember all the people I had to tell and not wanting to hear anything back from them because of the awkwardness of the conversation. I will remember that I immediately knew I wanted a DNC instead of waiting for nature to take it's course. I will remember that I wanted to cut my pregnancy haircut immediately, and did. I will remember the sound of my mother's voice saying "NO" when I called and didn't even have to say the words. I will remember telling Jack about Bub and his reaction being so much more grown-up with his sadness for the loss, his thoughfulness towards BDR and my feelings. I will remember that his reaction broke my heart more than anyone else's.

Finally, I will remember sitting on the couch with BDR after J's bedtime...talking about the day, talking about our sadness, and remembering that while this loss is sad, it is not as great as other losses could be. Having J not only reminds us of our good fortune, but also forces us (in a good way) to move forward and not wallow.

My new topic

So I was going to type about my issues with missing being good at something. But I found out what I was good at. Getting pissy. I was on Facebook before bed, when I read a "friends" status. He is a Christian man (minister, I think) who said that... wait, here's his exact wording:

"is disgusted after seeing a commercial on TV which advertised a dating service specifically for those who are married. The website has links to articles from Oprah Winfrey's website which promote and explain away infidelity and adultery. Amazi...ng. I'm so glad I'm a Christian, and I'm so glad I'm married to a great woman..."

Now, while would also be disgusted by the same kind of advertisement, I am insulted by the insinuation that married Christians don't cheat. While I may not practice any religion, I believe I have a decent moral compass. I have a sense of right from wrong; I try to be ethical; I try to be honest; I try to be trustworthy. It is frustrating to be told that if you do not have a higher power to keep you in line that you are, for lack of a better word, fallen.

Well, I challenge his comment saying that even Christians cheat and that is was more about what kind of moral compass you have and how you truly love your companion. So I didn't go quietly. But again, I was frustrated by another person's comment (who I don't know) who said:

"It is sad that so many people are looking for a justification for sin. Satan takes many forms, uses many people and mediums to accomplish his objectives. We as Christians have to be diligent not bring that into our homes and to teach others God's word. So they can be aware of Satan's devices and resist them. Those of us who have Chritain marriages need to Thank God daily for the blessing and gift of our spouses. I pray daily that He helps me to be the kind of wife He commands and that I can be worthy of my husband"

Well, I guess that means that I have a sucky marriage. And Satan has his hands all over me. Grrrr.

I am not trying to insult my religious friends. Shit, I feel like I do when I do this stuff. But life is not as simple as following words of a book, which may have been inspired by a devine being and written by flawed fallable human beings. Life is not clear cut. It's messy. you try your best at it. But I believe that it's possible for anyone to live a good life, even without a higher power guiding them. And even the "best of them" fall sometimes. Dude, even Jesus got this stuff.

So not fair

BDR has never had to do a poop on the potty before. I have handled every single one of them. I also get to do the double high fives and the giving of the potty reward, which is fun. Now that Curious J doesn't poop in my hand or on the carpet (like the first couple times with no diaper), I really don't mind. But I don't want him to miss out on this American experience. ;)

On a side note, I exercised for the first time in at least two weeks - my third time since finding out I was pregnant. so far, no spotting issues today, as it is usually is the case when I exercise or do hard labor. Keep your fingers crossed.

We're going to make breakfast for dinner, so I better go set things up.

My amusing day so far.

Today has started well for Curious J and me. He woke up with a dry pull-up, he used the potty and has had a dry underwear all day. I have asked but not made him go. I was surprised to find that he held his bladder for almost 3 hours after drinking OJ and AJ. I sometimes underestimate his ability to know himself.

J has been in a fun mood today. He wanted to play chase. I did not want to play chase. But I did it anyway because I have been feeling like a very neglectful parents (not really neglectful, just not playing with him like I should). I had a great time playing chase and felt more awake. We built a new train track, which for me is always fun! Then he told me I broke my sink, so he took his toolkit and hammered the tap while I cleaned up the carpet from his cheeto experience the day before. Then he fixed my front door and my side table door. Really stellar work.

Update at 7pm: Curious J has pooped 3 times on the potty today and has continue to be dry. AWESOME progress.

The conversation

I know only a few of my friends read my blog, most of you guys know what's going in my life. Needless to say, we had a very serious conversation with Curious J yesterday afternoon. Here's a basic lowdown of how it went.

M: We are going to have a baby.

J: A baby? In mama's belly? ... Does it come out there? (He points to my mouth.)

M: No.

J: Does it come out there? (He points to my head.)

M: No. You know how you and daddy have penises, well mommy has a place that is where the baby comes out.

J: I have a baby in my penis.

M: No, just mommy.

J: No I do. I have a baby in my penis.

M: ok.

Then we let him nickname the sibling to which he said something like "buh". I said Bub or Bug? He said Bub. The nickname has been chosen. J will most likely not me choosing the real name.

On a mission

I am on a mission this spring/summer to get a lot of things done around the house. You never know when I might have to go on hiatus from being OCD. I haven't done everything myself, but it still got finished. I have slowed down in the last couple of weeks.

Trees in the backyard (SHADE!)
Removal of shrubs in the front yard (on my to do list for a few years now)
Added a few plants to the gardens
Painted light fixtures to match the house shutters
Removal of tall grass that too close to the air conditioner
Grew a few vegetables in the garden
Bordered the garden area in the backyard
Organized the first floor closet
Cleaned the dishwasher, disposal, and washer (damn mineral buildup)


Cleaned the kitchen cabinets
Cleaned out and reorganized the garage


Things I haven't done or need to get finished:
Mulched (not getting finished this year)
Paint Jack's new room (needs to get finished this year)
Paint Jack's old room (TBD)
Planted a small tree in the front (where the shrubs use to be)
RE-reorganize basement storage
Get rid of the stuff sitting in my dining room
Search for more stuff to purge

I'm still here, take 2...

We had a lovely vacation. I am thankful for my two boys. However, I am not dealing with a few things very well lately. One example is gaining weight; and of course, when I am stressed I eat more. But it feels pointless to work hard on losing weight if I'm trying to get pregnant, but if I can't get pregnant, then I just feel fat (yes, Quigs, I said fat). Another issue is out gazebo that is not yet 1 month old and has a collapsed roof - and the stupid customer service issues from the store from which I bought it (SEARS). Vicious cycles of frustration and unhealthy thoughts.

Needless to say, I am coping. And since my life is good and it could be far worse (cause Angelina Jolie told me some sad stories of people with amazing attitudes), I feel guilty for complaining, which of course leads to more unhealthy thoughts.

So let's talk about good things.
Curious J started summer camp last week. He is doing great! :) So proud of him.
Curious J is making new friends - or at least socializing with others (without the aid of his parents) of his own accord. :)
My Curious J no longer uses pacifiers at bedtime. While J is still learning to deal with putting himself to sleep sans pacifier, he is doing very well.
My high school 15 year reunion is this coming weekend. I have a pretty dress that Loosey helped me pick out. :) (and I have purple nailpolish to match.)
Like I said, we had a great family vacation. Seriously, looking for a vacation, go to the Great Wold Lodge in Wisconsin Dells. Very kid friendly.
Even though J had a pretty rough cold for a few days, I have a healthy kid and I am very thankful for that.
My friend, (we'll call her) Roomie, is coming to visit me in a week and we're going out sans kid.
BDR and I might get to go to the movies this weekend if the grandfolks are okay with watching J.
I had a blast with my friends at a BBQ last week.
I have a small group of friends that I realized I rely on for socialization. And I like them very much! :)
I have a couple of hours each day to myself for 3 weeks this summer (although one week is already passed - but I still had). I have been using it to exercise.
I have a good husband. Yes, he drives me crazy (like I drive him crazy) but he is a constant that is not just there for convenience. I love having him there next to me.

Okay, I'm ready to pass out. Night!

"Just friends"?

So I read celebrity news. And while I don't consider Jon and Kate a celebrity couple, they are on tv, so they make it on the entertainment new sites. I find it very interesting that Jon has been given flak for going out with women who are not his wife. And while he may be having an affair, he may not be. But that leads me to my next thought, have I been out with guy friends? Yes, some of them have been BDR's friends first, some I have worked with. But not for once has BDR worried about me or accused me of being unfaithful. What makes my situation different than Jon's? Why is he not trusted? Why am I trusted? Not just that, but why is being accused when there are plenty of real celebrities that have gone out with friends of the opposite sex and not been accused

And what if you are gay? Does that mean you can only hang out with people of the opposite sex?

See, these social expectation are flawed. And it seems as though it says more about individual relationships than relationships in general.

Dude, I'm tired, so if it doesn't make sense, sorry.

My little three year old

Curious J turned 3 on Friday. We had a lovely and exhausting weekend with family and friends. I am pretty sure J had a great time with all involved, and although he refused to nap he willingly went to bed every night.

J got a lot of great toys. We have played with all of them. However, the one he loves the most is the sand/water table given to him by all his grandparents. He wakes up every morning asking to play with it. Thank the gods of rain. :)

So to my little man. Happy Birthday, chief. I love you. I love getting to know who you are becoming, but I am melancholy that it's going so quickly. I hope you find happiness in this life.

Same old, same old

so my mom and i had this conversation the other day. the same conversation we always have. she makes some kind of a religious comment, i usually make a comment that will provoke the questions she always asks... "what happened?" and i continue to tell her about my issue with hypocracy by others who are suppose to be loving and non-judgmental. that's part of it. (however, as time goes on, i am meeting more and more people who are not those type of people i just described.) the main reason, as i tell her repeatedly, is that i can't say there's a heaven when i die. and after expressing my unknowing of what will happen, she asks me "how do you not know there is a heaven" and then tells me, "well, i know there is a heaven."

i am sure i've probably blogged about it before, and i'll probably continue to every time she and i have the conversation.

a few things

cleaning/organizing is almost as much of a high as a good diet coke/chocolate buzz. next week is the beginning of the annual dump n' run at the local university and i couldn't be more excited. mom would be having a heart attack - makes me feel so proud. ;)

curious j and i bought playdough today and we are now using our construction and farm vehicles to flatten, grind and scoop them. love it!

until today, we have had a lovely time outside. i started making a border around my beds in the backyard. talk about a caffeine buzz. nothing like a sense of accomplishment to make you feel good. maybe that's why i like cleaning. i know some people think i'm obsessive, including myself, but it gives me a goal. and as a stay at home parent, you don't get a lot of completions.

i have been back to exercising thanks to quigs for watching j twice a week for me. this week, i started using the rowing machine and boy to i feel the workout. while i haven't lost any weight, my body is becoming more muscle and i notice the fat around my hips and waist is less. for once in my life, i am satisfied with that result as opposed to weight loss and can't wait to go back to the gym again. yeah.

i still eat crap, but my dessert and portion sizes have gone down. i'm not ready to give up the crap foods i like to eat, but i can control the amount and the frequency. i don't want to force myself to start something i'm not committed to. progress not perfection. (thanks, stuart smalley)

sadly with not eating as much of the stuff i love to eat, i have bumped up the amount of diet coke i drink. this probably contributes to the nausea i have been getting lately since i have probably rotted out my stomach. but unless i get pregnant, i can not ready to give that up either.

speaking of pregnant, we are still in trying mode. last month was a low point for me - too many pregnancy tests and too much of a let down. i realize i sound - obsessive (oh wait, that's who i am), but i have wanted this badly. my friends know not to ask me if i'm knocked up yet (seriously, that is), but acquaintances are asking about a #2 and it makes me feel sad.

however, then i get in panic mode wondering if i would be a good parent to two kids, if i will survive the lack of sleep, how that will effect our relationship with j. i love him and the time we spend as a family is wonderful (you know, most of the time). would the quality of love i give him go down with having a second child? and would that second child get the quality of love he or she deserves?

gods that was a depressing Grey's Anatomy last night. i cried. but it involves death, so you know i'm a sucker right there.

ok. that's it for now. if you don't here from me electronically, it's because i am having computer problems. my power port isn't working very well and i only have about 15 minutes on my battery (fully charged).

peace out, word to your mother.

I'm still here

So yesterday I went to my counselor's office. This time, we talked about the fact that I recently went back up on my antidepressant medication. He asked me questions about if I noticed changes in my mood gradually or all of a sudden. I usually don't notice until I get to a point where I could stay in bed all the time and don't feel motivated to do anything, socially, parentally, or personally. The big indicator is that I start focusing more on morality to a point where it effects my behavior. I thought I was doing better on the lower dosage, but I was wrong. After taking the higher dosage for about a week or so, I have noticed that, while still tired, I get up, dressed and out more, socialize more, and have more quality time with my child.

What does it mean? I have chronic depression. It's not a fluke or an overprescribing from my doctors. It's not just postpartum. I have been on antidepressant medications for 10 years this year. When I went off of them the first time, I was so depressed that I told BDR he needed to divorce me; I felt like he was having to take too much care of me and that wasn't his job. I cried all the time. BDR had to have lunch with me every day because I felt so alone, and even when he did, I still felt alone. And if you think I am OCD now, it was far worse then. That was the one and only time I went off medication. Since then, it's a matter of figuring out dosage for my body.

BDR has always been supportive of me taking medication with out making me feel like a freak. He compares depression to someone with diabetes. You need it to make your body work because it's a chemical issue. And in both situations, you get in a place where you feel really good and you don't think you need your medicine; but if you stop taking it, you body comes crashing down. It's not a just mind over matter thing.

Sometimes, like with my recent med increase, I am reminded that I have a chemical imbalance that makes me depressed, and I will need to take medication for depression for the long haul. It sucks, but it could be worse. And while BDR (and friends for that matter) never makes me feel that way, I feel like weak because I still believe I can teach myself how to not feel depressed. So off to bed I go... and I can't forget to take my medicine.

something is wrong

all i want to do sleep. i'm tired and feel meh. sure i have a cold but something feels off more than that. i am happy not to put forth any effort in my life - exercise, cleaning, playing with j, leaving the house, i'm not even taking real pleasure in eating or drinking my soda. all i want to do is zone out.

yes, i'm taking my meds. hopefully it's just because i'm sick.

A couple of helpful hints to all the locals out there

Two things I found out yesterday:

#1 The post office is increasing the postage from 42 cents to 44 cents on May 11. That being said if you buy the forever stamps (currently 42 cents), you do not need additional postage once the cost goes up. The post office dude who I think was flirting with me (either that or he was bored out of his mind and needed someone to talk to because it was dead in there), told me this information unprompted. :)

#2 If you ever need to copy anything and you live in my area, there is a copier at my local Schnucks.

Holy shit, it's been a while

Sorry, it's been so long. My only excuse as of the past few days is I have a cold. Before that, I have no real excuse. Some updates

I've been continuing to exercise 3 days a week (minus this past week because of vacation and illness). I started to lose a little bit of weight but then I went on that vacation and didn't exercise. As soon as I'm well (and energized), I will be going back to the routine.

While on vacation we visited the St. Louis Magic House. Curious J loved it. And while he was there, J used the potty standing up; I think it was because it was a J-size toilet and a J-size sink. He was super excited. In my quest to continue his interest, I purchased a urinal from amazon - http://www.amazon.com/Visionaire-1100-Peter-Toddler-Urinal/dp/B000C22J2S/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=baby-products&qid=1239730854&sr=8-1. It got good reviews and because J has ZERO interest in using the potty any other time. I also bought him some cool underpants so he can pee like a crazy mad man through all of them.We'll see how it goes.

Okay, I'm tired and my nose won't stop running. Off to bed.

Will I ever get pregnant?

So Nick and I were trying to have a baby, then I needed surgery for my spotting. They found adhesions connected to my bowels, but besides that everythign else looked good. THe spotting problem was not solved. I spotted two days ago and now I am spotting today. It has only been 21 days since my period. And it was 21 days the month before that. HOwever it was 26 days for the two months before that. And it was more random for the 5 months before that. We aren't really trying right now. I am having fun gardening and exercising this spring. But we aren't trying to prevent it from happening. I guess I wonder if my spotting and bleeding will normalize to even conceive a baby. The doctor said that I could go on birth control for a few months to regulate the cycle. Heck, maybe I should be doing that now while I have fun outside.

Now I'm just babbling. Like I said we aren't trying now, but every time I spot or bleed early it's hard not to notice that my cycle is not "normal" enough to understand when I could conceive. Anyway... just thinking about it today.

Bunny update

A couple of concerns were brought to my attention about the bunnies (thanks BDR and Quigs ;)). While I did create a new bunny house out of long, dry grass today, and placed both of the baby bunnies in there to hide. Then BDR and Quigs mentioned that the mama bunny may abandon the babies if they smell like humans (even if I did weat gloves). Got all that.

I am happy to report that mama bunny fed the bunnies tonight.

Of course, let me note that Quigs called me back and said that baby bunnies either will die trying to escape from the human's hands and break their neck OR they will the smell of the predator will kill them. Good times. I am happy to report that nothing like that happened today. And now that I have given them a home and I promise not to touch them again unless it's to keep them away from trying to eat BDR or Curious J.

I'm still here - some random thoughts.

Doing better than last night. Ahhh, parenting, the many challenges that come along with it. Totally worth it when you see your cute little person carry his two pillows and blanket while trying to walk into your room. Night time is really the only time Curious J is cuddly, so there is the urge to let him sleep with us. However, I know that isn't what works well in the long term.

Not much to say. Feeling nauseated tonight, but based on the way I scarfed down dinner, that probably explains the discomfort. I need to go to sleep; this staying up thing really doesn't work.

Curious J and I are making a garden in the backyard. We are very excited. I finished taking the grass up in the area. Next, planting.

We have a compost bin. I tried to move it to the back of the yard, but then I don't get any sunlight there (on account of our very tall fence). However, when it is on the north end of the backyard it gets sun all day. Problem is that if it smells, it will be closer to where we most likely will be. Good times!

We have bunnies in our backyard. Two baby bunnies and one mama bunny (I know that for sure on account that she has been nursing them in the back yard). I found one in my tall grass clippings and got to hold it. J asked if we could keep it. I said no, of course. I set up a home for it behind the compost bin with clippings so he could hide.

I have been using acne and wrinkle cream. It's my way of dealing with aging. While some of you may think that I don't need wrinkle cream yet, for me it symbolizes more the passage of time and the inevitable end. So, my wrinkle cream, exercising, lotioning, vitamins are used to slow me down to getting to the inevitable. Make fun. Tonight my face is burning, but I think it has more to do with the makeup remover I used. Now my eyes are watering like mad.

I love this time of year. Isn't it wonderful?

Our neighbor's son came to visit J today. He's about 8 years old (I think). He taught J how to act like a boy. J then began to climb out of his playhouse through the window head first say "I'm okay." I would stop him, but he's going to do this stuff when I'm not around so I might as well let him practice supervised. I gotta give props to the neighbor kid because not once did he mention guns or swords. I am not really ready for all that stuff, however, I think it's becoming inevitable.

J is becoming more a little boy every day. He is starting to be more aggressive in his play (well with BDR and I). He likes to play with worms and climb things. He is continuing his interest in "boy" sterotyped activities. The only thing is today, J asked for the Foofa stuffed animal when we were at the store. If anyone knows Foofa from Yo Gabba Gabba (he even knew her name without prompting), then you know she is pink. I was happily surprised when he said that was his favorite! The Easter Bunny will probably be bringing it to him. :)

Okay, I'm outta here.

I know I need to blog...

but after a moody evening, I have nothing to say that wouldn't end up as a bitch session. And it's been an evening I don't feel like talking about.

Stop, You Leaf Burners

So it's that time of year again - one of two times of year when smoke can be seen from neighborhoods. I don't have asthma or any other breathing issues, and I'm thankful for that. However, I still have problems when people who live in close proximities of others burn dead leaves or plant or grass clippings. The smoke is really annoying and does not disipate quickly. It's also bad for the environment. I understand the urge to get rid of dead lawn stuff, but I work my ass off to do the right thing by either recycling them with my garbage service, or like I did this year, start a compost. It does take work, but it's worth the effort to make the world last a little bit longer for our kids and their kids. Plus, you don't know who lives by you who does have breathing problems, and that doesn't help.

The Curious Tale of Curious J

In the past week or so, I have started noticing a change in behavior in Curious J. Today it became abundantly clear that this behavior will not be going away anytime soon. J has begun talking to - strangers.

This morning, we went to Sonic and he started talking to workers he didn't know saying, "hey, we're going to a car wash."

Later, we went to Old Navy to get summer shorts, and he started talking to other customers in the store. He would tell them what we were doing and what we were buying. He told one lady, "I have an idea about my clothes." He saw a little girl at the store and said "hi" (he is starting to say hi to little people his size) and starting mimicking what she was doing (which was playing with a belt).

Tonight he was telling one of the servers at dinner, "We're telling stories about books."

Who is this kid? And what did he do with my husband's kid? :) It does appear that he tells people factual things - what he did with his day, what he was doing at that moment. I have an idea it has to do with school and the confidence he gets from being away from his mom. I like this new J - just as long as he doesn't make strangers his new family.

Did you know Barack Obama was in Return of the Jedi?

We have been reading one of those kid books about Return of the Jedi to Curious J. Tonight, BDR decided to show parts of the movie, nothing scary. On the cover of the DVD is a picture of Lando Calrissian. When he say Lando, J said "Barack Obama".

And there you have it, our President was in Return of the Jedi.

If only he could use the force to fix our economy.

Feeling Blah

Curious J is going to start preschool and tells us he can do things by himself. Some of my favorite (or once favorite) tv shows are coming to an end. Buildings around town close. My parents are slowing down. Actors who were in your favorite movies in the 80's and 90's now have wrinkles. All reminders that time is fleeting.

Last night I watched ER, tonight I watched Battlestart Galactica. Feeling nostalgic and sad. Old characters that I have to say goodbye to. It's not even the shows themselves, but what they represent. A different time. A younger me. Hell, even George Clooney looks older now (but still fine!). I remember when ER started. I was in love with Carter. It was around the time I started college. I was young and skinny and had no idea how many opportunities were ahead of me. All I thought about was my checklist of things to be done in life.

The folks came to visit last week to help out with watching J. My dad has Parkinsons. He is slowing down. At first, I was pretty upset. Then I got use to him having it. Last week, he and mom would mention things about his legs giving him problems. His medicines are you making him more and more tired. My parents are getting older. And it's weird to think that my dad is going to be 70 in less than 2 years. When did he get so much older. I don't know how many years we will have left with them. I'm the sandwich generation now; it became more apparent after Jack was born and my grandmother died. Someday, sooner rather than later, I may have to make the decisions that my dad had to make for his mom. I will have to watch my parents become unable to take care of themselves. I will have to go through their house and revisit my life without them. And that's it. They won't come back. I won't be able to give them a hard time and see them again soon.

And before you know it, J will start grade school, then high school. Then off to college. Having his own family, if he chooses). And I will be the one to be taken care of. And one day, that will be the end of it. Gone. Poof. I won't be able to smell his hair when he sits next to me, or feel his hand grab mine. He'll be too big for that, and that's the way it should be.

I feel so insignificant. Sometimes, I feel like a little insect just moving through the day, trying to keep the species going by teaching the younger generation how to survive. Survival is not enough for me. But I also don't believe that there is something waiting for me on the other side. I feel so minute.

I tell J he is special. And to me he is! But he will find that everyone has good and bad , talents and weaknesses. And while some of us have extraordinary abilities, we are still all pretty much thte same. Which isn't bad, because it keeps us humble if we allow it to.

BDR believes in God. He tells J that God loves him. This kid is going to be confused about what to believe; we don't have a game plan on religious discussions. But I'm glad that not just one of us is raising him. I want him to a greater significance. So I am glad that his dad tells him about God. Plus, I know that BDR won't tell him close-minded in his discussions. And I'm glad he has me to help him question it all. Maybe he will question out existance and come back to what his dad taught him all along. But at least he will do it eyes wide open.

I wish I could have an answer to give me peace of mind. But instead as I look at aging and dying, I see an abyss waiting for me. I try to hold on to the preciousness of time now, but no one is perfect at that. There is no way to avoid the abyss. And that just bothers the shit out of me.

Thoughts

I'm in random thinking mode so bare with me.

• I did 2.5 miles on the eliptical in 30 minutes. That felt awesome. I am now an exercise junkie because I wake up looking forward to the time I have to myself getting that high.
• I made 50% of dinner and 100% of dessert with Jack's help. I like cooking. I just hate the cleanup.
• I have been healing really quickly from my surgery last week. However, this just proves that BDR is right about more things that I want to admit to.
• I loved watching George and Noah and Eriq on the TV tonight. It felt like old times. The end of the shows makes me feel really OLD.
• Why the hell do these doctor shows have to do the kid episodes so much. Don't they know I'm watching.
• While I'm glad I exercised today, I don't like how I feel about myself lately. Not just my weight, but this adult acne is killing me. And while I know I could have more to complain about, I am doing a semi0decent job of mentally beating myself up for it.
• If I weren't exercising I'd be looking for another way...
• But first, I need to give up McDonalds. And dessert. But those things help me get through everyday shit.
• I had a nice reminder today that I could be a far worse mother.
• I tried to have a discussion with Curious J tonight that I was trying to help him be independent because I love him. This was prompted by J telling me that I leave him because I love him. (I think he's talking about school).
• Jon Stewart is my hero. Daily Show kicked ass tonight! Don't let him fool you, he could be a real news reporter if he wanted to.
• Sometimes, I wish I could go back, not to a time necessarily, but partly to who I was before all this time has passed. I miss some things. I miss acting and singing. I miss that confident person use to enjoy performing. (Yeah, that was the other side of me.) I miss old friends. Damn you facebook for bring up all these stupid feelings. ;)
• I don't miss that self conscious girl I use to be. I'm working on the woman, but she has her off days.
• I think I am both self centered and self conscious. Is that possible?
• I have a few very good friends out there that I hope they know that while I suck at being a friend sometimes, I love them and would do almost anything for them (that almost part will be the things that keep me out of jail). But this parenting thing and my inability to filter important and unimportant keep me from being the quality friend I use to be (or never was).

Just because we moved....

Doesn't mean I have anything to say yet.