Today

Feeling a little sad today. There were a lot of baby pictures up on facebook - ultrasounds, newborns. It just made me sad; our baby that I was looking forward to meeting is not going to be met. I know this will get easier. I am thrilled for my close friends who are expecting or new parents. I don't want them to be afraid to share with me; I would never want them to experience this sadness for themselves. I want joy for them.

I am managing things better and not feeling sad every minute. I also can't be sad for our little man. His teacher spoke to me yesterday. Yesterday at school he got a boo boo and cried for a long while. Then he asked his teacher if she had a baby in her belly and she said no. She thinks he might still be processing the situation. J seems to talk about Bub almost every day. And my reaction to his comments needs to be one that allows him to feel comfortable to talk to me.

BTW, the visit with the folks went well. My mom worked her ass off to not ask a lot of questions and force any conversations. Props to her. They "spoiled" us a bit. Both sets of parents "spoiled" us. And when I say spoiled, I mean they bought us chocolate covered almonds and provided meals for us. I am confident that I would try to spoil my kid if he went through something similar. I mean, hey, I bought my kid toys right after we lost Bub, so I guess I know exactly how they feel.

Sorry I am bringing all you readers down. This is a place for me to process. Please don't feel the need to say "the right thing". Like I said, this is a place to process.

The next challenge

The next challenge that will be coming to me is Tuesday. The parents. I know they are grieving for me and for themselves, but I am not really wanting to share with them right now. I am struggling because my mom is trying so hard to extract information from me. She has techniques that are only used by the best interrogators. No. The truth is, she is my mom, and it is hard to break out of the cycle of being her "little girl", even if it not what I want. I'm nervous about seeing them. The sadness and pity they will have for me. The wanting to hug me even if I don't feel like it.

I invited my mother-in-law to watch Jack when I had my D&C. She has experienced this before as well. I called my folks for their blessing because I knew they would be disappointed, no matter how much they tried to be supportive. And as their daughter, I still hate their disappointment. And their grieving, too. As a parent, I know that feeling of wanting to comfort your child. But as an adult, I know what I want to do to make it through this.

I've already starting this about other issues of acclimating to normal life. Having sex after a miscarriage, his due date, holidays. Right now, many things are making me think of Bub. Going for a walk, looking at crab grass because I wasn't able to use chemicals on it, drinking caffeine, eating hot dogs,. Shit this sucks.