I don't have post title. It just seems stupid to put one in right now.
I am looking for a fight. You know how they talk about the 5 stages of grief. Besides the depression stage today, I'm in anger right now... not with any friends or family. I'm looking for a fight with strangers who are doing something stupid to other people or to me. I'm hoping to bump into old "friends" who will say something stupid so I can get angry back.
I also spoiled my kid with toys today. He doesn't need anymore; but it felt good for about 10 minutes. I'm getting my highs where I can right now.
Speaking of highs, I'm trying to decide between stuffing my face or not eating anything. It's weird. I know my body is hungry, but I don't FEEL hunger. I either want to starve or stuff my face with crap. I know it doesn't make sense, but right now, I don't make sense.
I gotta give huge praise to BDR. He is taking care of J and J's little fits. He's letting me be weird and not making me feel bad about it. He's letting me make all the decision about this and is being 100% supportive of the choices I make. I have learned that I feel closer to him from this experience.
Friday, September 4, 2009
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
What a difference a day makes.
I have had all these thoughts today and I need somewhere to put them.
Today was Curious J's first day of preschool. I will remember him eating cream of wheat for his first day's breakfast. I will remember him holding Nick and my hand as we walked into the building. I will remember feeling a little nervous but extremely proud as he walked in and immediately went to the toys, without even looking back to ask where I would be. I will remember picking him up from school and how great of a mood he was in when I picked him up.
I will remember taking J to the library to check out Transformers books. Him getting told by the librarian not to run, which made me giggle a little (but I didn't ignore it).
I will remember that today is the day that I found out Bub was dead. I will remember the feeling of seeing him on the monitor and not moving. I will remember the immediate feeling of remorse. I will remember the kindness that the staff gave to me at that moment of sadness, even though I didn't want them to say anything, but knew they were only trying. I will remember waiting for BDR to get to the office. I will remember how BDR immediately hugged me when he came into the room and asked me if I was alright. I will remember all the people I had to tell and not wanting to hear anything back from them because of the awkwardness of the conversation. I will remember that I immediately knew I wanted a DNC instead of waiting for nature to take it's course. I will remember that I wanted to cut my pregnancy haircut immediately, and did. I will remember the sound of my mother's voice saying "NO" when I called and didn't even have to say the words. I will remember telling Jack about Bub and his reaction being so much more grown-up with his sadness for the loss, his thoughfulness towards BDR and my feelings. I will remember that his reaction broke my heart more than anyone else's.
Finally, I will remember sitting on the couch with BDR after J's bedtime...talking about the day, talking about our sadness, and remembering that while this loss is sad, it is not as great as other losses could be. Having J not only reminds us of our good fortune, but also forces us (in a good way) to move forward and not wallow.
Today was Curious J's first day of preschool. I will remember him eating cream of wheat for his first day's breakfast. I will remember him holding Nick and my hand as we walked into the building. I will remember feeling a little nervous but extremely proud as he walked in and immediately went to the toys, without even looking back to ask where I would be. I will remember picking him up from school and how great of a mood he was in when I picked him up.
I will remember taking J to the library to check out Transformers books. Him getting told by the librarian not to run, which made me giggle a little (but I didn't ignore it).
I will remember that today is the day that I found out Bub was dead. I will remember the feeling of seeing him on the monitor and not moving. I will remember the immediate feeling of remorse. I will remember the kindness that the staff gave to me at that moment of sadness, even though I didn't want them to say anything, but knew they were only trying. I will remember waiting for BDR to get to the office. I will remember how BDR immediately hugged me when he came into the room and asked me if I was alright. I will remember all the people I had to tell and not wanting to hear anything back from them because of the awkwardness of the conversation. I will remember that I immediately knew I wanted a DNC instead of waiting for nature to take it's course. I will remember that I wanted to cut my pregnancy haircut immediately, and did. I will remember the sound of my mother's voice saying "NO" when I called and didn't even have to say the words. I will remember telling Jack about Bub and his reaction being so much more grown-up with his sadness for the loss, his thoughfulness towards BDR and my feelings. I will remember that his reaction broke my heart more than anyone else's.
Finally, I will remember sitting on the couch with BDR after J's bedtime...talking about the day, talking about our sadness, and remembering that while this loss is sad, it is not as great as other losses could be. Having J not only reminds us of our good fortune, but also forces us (in a good way) to move forward and not wallow.
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