Huh?!

I love my life. I love my family and the way we work. I love being able to stay at home with the kids. I love where I love, and and I love my friends. That being said, I sometimes think my family and friends get the raw end of the deal. What do I offer them? It's funny, I know who I am more now then when I was younger, but I offer less of myself to others now and have less factors that really make me stand apart from others. I am absent-minded and neurotic. I like wearing my pajamas or sweatpants almost all the time.

I focus more on my little family then anyone else out there. I think I am a good wife and mom. Not perfect, but definitely not bad. I will send my kids to therapy for one reason or another (or 10 reasons), but they probably won't become serial killers because of me. I stink at teaching my children coping mechanisms. Nick can just joke the hurt away. Amazing.

My family of origin and my friends are not given the same kind of attention. I don't remember important dates or what people are doing for the week. I don't donate to their causes or buy gifts. If they are lucky, I call them once a week or so. I am, for all intensive purposes, lazy. I think that having always had to do something every minute of the day until I graduated from college made me feel exhausted afterwards. And once I was only responsible to Nick and to a job, everything else was not a priority. I liked having no other things on my schedule. I spend too much money (although not crazy amounts, just too much). I drink too much soda and like too many sweets.

I would rather have a lovely, clean and organized house instead of going on vacation. Leaving on a trip is too much effort. And when you return home, the only thing you do is make the house messy with all the laundry and toys brought on the trip. Man, I am a bummer.

But then I meet other women who make crafts, exercise, and volunteer, and work, and take their kids places. I want to be the girl who is totally on top of things again, but I don't. That girl was extremely uptight. Now I am just partially uptight. I make more jokes and laugh more. The few relationships I do have now are more quality. I will probably never make a big dent in the community, even close to a dent I made in high school or college. I won't be a size 2, 4 or even 6 ever again in life, but I have two beautiful kids that added a little bit more "hippage" to my body. I'll take the hips for my kids any day. But like I said in my first sentence, I have a good life and I love it.

So as I sit here processing, I need to look at what I want to work on. I want to work on better quality relationships. While I may only have a handful of really good friends, I want to be able to offer them what they give me. And if i let others down, I'm sorry; but I'm not at the same time. I'm going to work harder on eating lunch in more. Maybe less (gulp) fountain sodas. I'm going to try to figure out how to get more involved in the community, whether it be my kids' school or an organization that I really believe in. I may not donate to causes all over the place, but I'll give where I can.

Ok, that's it for now. I don't know if anyone remembers I'm out here - it's been that long. I like processing externally. I am not writing this to having someone flatter me with comments to make me feel better. I am sincerely trying to process who I am and where I am going with people. I don't want bullshit answers.

And I thank and love the people who love me, even with my faults. I don't get it, but I appreciate it. They have shown me what true love is.

Year anniversary

Two days from now will be the year anniversary of losing Bub. Bub was our baby in between Jack and Ellie. He passed away at 6.5 weeks in utero, but I didn't find out until week 10, September 1, 2009. Even as I sit here with my two amazing, healthy kids, I miss this baby that never was. The Urbana Sweet Corn festival last year was the last event we went to before finding out about the loss, and Jack's first day of preschool was the day we found out about the loss. So the annual Sweet Corn Festival was this weekend; Jack's first day of school was today; and Sept 1 is Wednesday. It's not just one day of remembering; it's a week. And I'm sad; and I'm tired of being sad. And I want something to mark the anniversary so I can remember and move on.

Gotta go hug the shit out of my two kids.

Damn, I'm lucky and other hormonally based thoughts...

I wrote this shortly after Ellie was just born. Better late than never...

As most of my avid readers out there may know, Ellie was born at exactly 36 weeks. Because of her size and jaundice, we had to stay in the hospital a 3 extra days. For a mommy on bedrest, a few more days did start taking me over the edge. Fortunately, I had a husband who kicked me out of the hospital when Ellie was still a patient but I wasn't. Anyway, here's some thoughts I have had over the past week and a half.

1. I am one lucky lady. E is here, safe and sound. She's a spitter-upper, but we can deal with it.

2. My boy, J, is a strong kid. He has his emotional moments, but no greater than a regular 4 year old. He loves his sister, without malice toward the time that I was taken from him. He has grown up so much since I have been unavailable. And I love who he's becoming.

3. I have an amazing husband. Who would have thought 17 years ago I would pick someone who is the best man I know. I am just as in love with him as I was before. It's different. It will never be like when we were 16 or 20, but it is so much better than that.

4. I am stronger than I thought and I am impressed. I made it through 15.75 weeks of bedrest. I was alone when I got my epidural (and narcotic free). I cut my own kid's ambilical cord. I realize that I can do anything I put my mind to, even if it is extremely uncomfortable.

5. Another kid made me realize how great my love for Jack is.

6. I am riding the waves of stress better this time.

35 weeks and growing

I'm huge. No, I'm not calling myself fat. I really feel big and uncomfortable. Like there's some alien growing inside of me. But it means Ellie is getting bigger and stronger and able to survive without medical assistance. I don't know how big she is, but I can tell she's getting bigger; her body makes larger movements.

My cervix got measured today. It was .9 - 1.1cm long. Not bad considering that I have been a little more active since Jack's birthday and contracting more. Last ultrasound was 1.1-1.3. My doctor is going out of town until Wednesday evening, but he said that if I go in labor next weekend, I should have the "girls" (nurses) at the hospital call him, even though he's not on call. He wants to deliver this baby.

Friday will be week 36. At that point I am a wild animal set free after being imprisioned. What do I do? Where do I start? How much energy will I really have? How much will the shape and size of my body limit me to do things?

I can get Sonic sodas. Drop my kid off at summer camp. Walk my kid to bed. Clean toilets. Get pedicures. Go to the movies. Go shopping. Maybe even weed and garden if it's not too hot. Shit I'm excited.

This week, I'm scrapbooking the last 4 years of our life. Since it's an organizational project, it eases my OCD urges. And I can work on it in bed. It will be a nice way to close up bedrest. I should not wait to scrapbook so long again.

Not in labor

Ok, my contractions stop. Now, I am just achy from the ligament pain.

BTW, I love the fact that little girl helps me crave fruit.

How does one know if ones in labor?

So I have not been feeling the greatest since last night. I know I'm having some contractions and I'm kinda uncomfortable. But I also know this little girl is moving like mad and my ligaments are aching. So I'm just going to sit here, drink water, eat fruit and relax. And if that doens't work, well then I'm calling in.

A day of celebration and rememberance

My little man finishes his first year of school today. He has grown so much. He has learned to comfortably be apart from his mom and dad, he has become independent on some things. He has made friends, and he shows affection for those friends. As any mother would be, I am very proud of his accomplishments this year. But, as you can guess, his dad and I are his biggest fans.

Celebration number two is that we have made it to 34 weeks today with Ellie. It's hard to believe that about 14 week ago, they gave us some potentially scary news that she might be born prematurely. But we have made it with the help of friends and family, make it to this goal. Here's to at least 2 more weeks. My anxiety has dissipated, she would do well at this point. :)

For me, it's also a day of remembrance. Jack's last day of school makes me think of Jack's first day of school. Nervousness and excitement for him, and also the news that we lost our baby, Bub. We will miss him; he will always be my child, and the people who know me best know that I will always see myself as a mother of three. But without losing our Bub, we would not have Ellie. So, here's to my three kids.

Feeling a bit sad tonight

This whole turning four thing... Jack's birthdays have not made me sad before, but this year I feel a little melancholy. He's getting bigger. Yes, he screams and pitches fits, makes messes and doesn't listen... he's not perfect; neither am I. But the happiness that we have in our lives from him being in it is overwhelming and intoxicating. I love it.

Happy Birthday, Jack!

I love you, Jack! Happy Birthday, sweet boy. I wish you a happy life.

I know I'm late in blogging this. But it's been a crazy weekend. I used more energy in two days than I have in the 13 weeks on bedrest. Getting back from exhaustion, I want to say how awesome it is to celebrate my first born's 4th birthday. I can't believe he has been with us for 4 years. I can remember the day he was born very vividly, which is probably why I am not looking forward to labor again. ;)

Jack has started saying "I can do it, I'm 4." I love it. Doesn't work on everything, but those moments of independence make me very proud.

All the grandfolks were here on his special day. Aunt Mich made it, and we were able to have 7 friends from home and school join us in celebration. I feel bad we didn't have more kids, because we had more Jack wanted to invite, but we were only allotted a certain number at the rec center. At this age, I have tried to make it Jack's choice.

Jack asked when his birthday was coming up again, and I had to let him know not for another 364 days. That's too long for a 4 year old - so I tried to make it better by saying that Christmas was only 7 months away. :)

I am very appreciative of my folks and Kelly, who helped me make the day a Plants v Zombies birthday. They ran errands for me, printed stuff out for me... stuff that I was unable to do.

Behind

Bet you thought I was going to talk about my butt based on the Title, didn't you? Sorry to disappoint, but the only thing it's doing is getting bigger.

I am behind on blogs. I was going to post a video of Jack talking to his baby, but I got a little sidetracked sewing lily pads and wallnuts.... and playing the regular level of Crystal Spider Solitaire on facebook. Oops.

So we're almost at 33 weeks. Things are getting closer. I'm scared shitless of labor, even though I've already made it through one time already pretty pain-free. Maybe that's why I'm so scared. the time that was crazy intense pain I could not handle it for very long. What if I'm not near the appropriate calming drugs when that occurs?

Ellie is moving like a mad girl. Big waves. She's quiet in the mornings usually, but come nightfall, she's like a werewolf.

Ok that's it for now. I'll post more later. Gotta go to bed. Jack is going to be 4 in 4 days. Craziness.

Jesus, God and Heaven

Tonight, I am listening to Jack and Nick discuss where God and Jesus are.

Some of Jack's thoughts:
Is it next to the earth?
Is it all over the place?
I think it's on a big cloud.
Why does he bring the water down and makes the plants grow?

Of course, then the subject went from plants to Plants vs. Zombies. Now, these are questions I might be able to answer.

"My baby"

Jack had a sick day today, which means that Nick took a sick day today. On the sick day, Nick and Jack headed downstairs to look for stuff for Ellie. They found the old bouncy seat Jack use to play in. So Dad brought it upstairs. We showed Jack a lot of videos from when he was a baby, and so he wanted to get his baby (he has his own doll). Every hour or so, Jack would walk over to his baby and the seat and sang to his baby.

I took pics and video. I'll post something later.

Vagina

So baby girl is getting bigger and kicking my ass (literally), cervix, and you know, everything else. When this happens, I say out loud to Nick, "VAGINA" (and to myself because I spend a lot of time with myself). I figured the word "vagina" was better than saying "fuck" or "shit".

And that is my blog for this evening. Very exciting stuff.

More exciting news (as exciting as a worm moving across the concrete after a rain)... I did have a shower and then a doctor's appointment today. I get wheeled to the office instead of walk, so I don't talk that much. I am still amazed at how exhausted I am after those two activities. I do wonder how long it will take me to get energized again. I like to believe that once Ellie is out, I will be able to pick most of my energy back up right away.

This having babies thing...

Lately, I have read many thoughts about mother's day and friends fertility struggles. In the last year, I have learned more about friends who have had miscarriages and premature babies - some who have survived and some who have not. I know some who want to have the experience of parenthood, but for some reason or another, do not get the chance. And stories of those who have had some time with their children only to outlive them. To bring even more frustration to the situation, I have also heard some really shitty stories lately of people who treat their kids like crap, when there are others who would jump at the chance to give those same kids love.

If you have experienced any of those things, you can feel the pain that others have experienced. And if you haven't, you can still empathize because you understand that intense feeling of love for someone else. I really truly wish with everything I have that things would work out for those who want the experience.

The problem with not being a religious woman is that I know my thoughts don't do much except let someone know I'm thinking of them; whereas those, who believe in a higher power, believe that someone else is going to make things better. And that is something I envy.

I hope this post does not offend; it is meant to show support. Take care out there.

Out of practice

So you can tell I am out of practice with this parenting thing.

Nick can get Jack to do almost anything with a little motivation. He using more options than he does discipline, but he uses discipline very appropriately (i.e. taking a toy away for not listening). He doesn't hesitate to give a consequence and for that, Jack listens better.

I, on the other hand, stink at the consequence thing. I can tell; when Nick is not around, I am the wishy-washy parent who has that second of hesitation to take something away; or I can't come up with choices or use humor appropriately to motivate. I am out of practice. And that guilt, that I'm not suppose to be experiencing but is really there anyway, well, that is keeping me from being the parent I should be. Because all I feel like doing is nuturing and loving and cuddling. This is the last bit of time it's just going to be the three of us, and being stuck in bed is not how I imagined spending those final days.

But is the way it worked out, and I need to figure out this parenting thing again; or else I am screwed.

Now, I am going back to watching this corny Miss Marple movie made in the 60s with the funny 60s music. Maybe I'll sew a lily pad or two this morning. Jack's birthday is only 11 days away. Holy Canoli.

I am...

P.O.O.P.E.D.

and haven't done much but take a shower.

Another Amendment

I'm only a whiny bitch midway through the day. If you want to interact with me, feel free to do it before 12pmish. ;)

Just to warn you...

I'm going to be the whiniest bitch for the next 5 weeks (at least). I feel uncomfortable and sick; laying down 24/7 only makes me think about every feeling in my body. So, I'm sorry ahead of time. Hopefully, if I make it off bedrest, I will be so ecstatic that the adrenaline from getting out of bed will make me ignore all signs of discomfort.

But feel free to stop talking to me for the next 5 weeks. I would if I could. :)

My good boys

So, Nick and I have different religious beliefs, but as Jack's father, he has every right to teach him what he believes in. I am not ready to go into detail about my beliefs because that will be confusing, and I think there will be a period in our children's lives when questioning their faith in a belief system will happen.

Anyway, every night Nick does bedtime, which lately is every night, the boys pray. Jack is learning about Jesus, who he is, how he exists... stuff like that. Tonight Jack prayed that God and Jesus stay here until Ellie gets here and then they can go to other babies to be with them.

I like that my son is thoughtful and loves his little sister even before he's met her. That's the moral of this story.

Happy Mother's Day

Nick told me he had something very special planned for me this morning:
Breakfast in Bed.

Happy Mother's Day!

Mother's Day plans

Nick told me that there has been nothing really planned for Mother's Day. I told him that was okay because I was home. Then I amended it and told him I would like a diet coke (a fountain one, of course) on Mother's Day. So I guess those are my two priorities.

Back Home, Day 2

I LOVE BEING HOME! I don't even mind bedrest as much as long as I get to do it in the comfort of my own house. Okay, I do wish I could just do stuff around the house a little bit, but I know I can't. I don't know if I have the patience in me to wait until Ellie arrives, however, if I don't then Ellie may arrive early. That would not be good. So I'll be as good as I can be and love and hug my boys a lot. :)

Doc told me on Thursday when he discharged me that he believes I actually might make it to 36 weeks, whereas he said three weeks ago, he wouldn't have. But I am getting in the mindset that she could come at any time. But by 9 weeks from now, she'll be here, shocking and awesome (although I'm scared of the pain again - complete respect for those who did it withouth drugs).

T minus 2 weeks until Jack's birthday. I have his presents. Just need to wrap them. What else? I have to get the gift bags ready and send out a few more invites. Order the cake. I've got to give props to my parents and Kelly for picking up supplies for me. Thanks, ya'll.

My appetite is getting back to normal. Woot! :) I guess that hospital stays really do affect the appetite. Do I use "affect" or "effect"? Shit I hate trying to remember the use of affect.

Going to prop my feet up. Bye for now.

Day 73 on Bedrest, Day 27 on Hospital Bedrest

Ultrasound today we'll see what it says.

I've been spending my time making plants for Jack's birthday, and last night I finished his invited - now to send them.

I have been spoiled with non-hospital food for a few days from my folks. :)

My friend Betsy sent me magazines and cookies. A perfect combo. My friend Heather stopped by for a visit with a diet coke. She knows me so well. :)

Being pregnant is expensive. I purchased 3 pair of shorts and 2 nursing bras and before a gift card, it was $60.

Got the vents and ducts cleaned in our 10 year old house clean. Supposedly they were not very dirty. It was costly, but hopefully unnecessary for another 10 years.

Working on getting new blinds for the house. This 10 year mark (while we have only been it for 8) seems like a time to update a few things. We were lucky enough not to have to buy new blinds when we moved in. Shout out to my friend Zack for helping with this process.

Got a new patio table (the other blew away in the wind) so I can sit my big butt outside when I hit 35, 36 weeks. :)

Realized that within the next 9 weeks, Ellie will be here. Crazy! While we need very few things, there are a few things we will need to buy - new bottle nipples, diapers, washclothes. Very very few things compared to last time.

In a little over 2 weeks, my little man will be 4. Crazy #2.

I'm not really humorous today. But maybe something will hit me later!

Here ya go, Ric'h

My friend Rich said he missed out on my blogs for the last few days. So this one is for him...

Tonight, Tori and Dean was on. I don't know why, but I like watching that show. It's like watching a spider being flushed down the toilet (Nick gave me that anaology). You can look away, but you should. SO Nick and I have been sitting on MSN Messenger chatting and every few minutes, I tell him things like "Dean didn't tell Tori about his accident - he is in so much trouble." "Tori is so pissed." I love their names for each other: He calls her "T", and she calls him "babe". So adorable. Yet, as much as things are against them... becuase of their Hollywood status plus the fact that they have this reality tv, I am routing for them to stay together. FOREVER!

I'll let you know how it goes.

Still continuing to work on Jack's birthday stuff. And I really wish to the spiritual entities around our universe that I would get to go home before this baby comes out... you know 4-5 would be pretty good. But I did get snuggles in bed today and hugs to Ellie.

I got nothing else. I'm done for the night. Hope that was enough for you, Rich. I did have #1 a couple a days ago and she really does seem like she has a stick up her ass. If that is her natural disposition, I feel sorry for her. Life's to short to have to find the perfect stick and then insert it, and then become miserable. Maybe I should anonymously leave her a box of suppositories so she can work on that stick.

Truly though, I don't know what her life is like, so all this is more amusement for my readers (well some of it), but I know that she brings my happy vibe down. And when you are stuck in a place already potentially on the verge of suckiness, that should not be the type of person who gets to walk in your room.

Ok, Ellie's kicking me. She's being gentle tonight. No cervix or rectum bashing or rib punching. My next ultrasound is on Thursday. Keep your fingers crossed for no shortening.

On the way up

I think I was having a very down time early this week because it had been almost a week since I got to see my little guy in person. This week, I have seen him plenty more and I feel much better. :)

My new humidifier

A few days ago, I was talking one of my nurses. She offered to order a humidifier for my room because of the dryness in the room. I said, "sure, great" my nose was bleeding a little anyway. Well, yesterday, I got my humidifier along with a box for the humidifier so I could put it in the box to take it home. It was mine to keep.

Yeah, I thought, just like the air mattress they brought in, it was a rental of the hospital. No, it's not. And now, I have so graciously bought a $5000 dollar humidifier.... ok, I exaggerate, but you and I know damn well that I could have bought a cheaper one at walmart.

I told Nick about the situation and he had a good time today, telling me that Provena had sent up a bill for $1000 for the humidifier. I, being in my semi-gullible state, said, "it better not be a $1000." He giggled.

But when we do get the bill from Provena on the humidifier, I will be happy to share how much we were charge for it.

30 weeks

In less than two hours, I will be 30 weeks preggo. I found photos from when i was 30 weeks with Jack; I have attached it and Ellie's pregnancy photos for comparison.

Still can't shake the feeling

Today was a better day. My eyes were not puffy, so that's always a good start. But by late in the afternoon and evening, I was missing the boys. They went home from work and Miss Kelly's house, we chatted during dinner and then spoke on Skype while they played WOW. But then it was time for bed, and my heart hurt again.

Ellie has been a moving maniac all day. Not painful moving, but pleasant "hey mom, I'm here" movement; she has been reminding me that I'm not alone in here.

I saw this dress (on the right) that I would totally dress her in. Stylish, but not pink or frilly.

Now that the adavan is kicking in (or it's just the fact that tomorrow is my last day in the 20s weeks, I will let you in on a happy secret. They have the best ice here. It compares with Sonic. (Oh Sonic, how I miss you, like an addict misses her crack.)

And tonight, I ended up with a very empathetic woman taking my dinner order. They are starting to know I am a long haul kind of a patient. Anyway, not only did she hook me up with the good cafeteria ice cream, but also the chocolate fudge, and oreos. I had a leftover banana and made myself a sundae for dinner. I wish I could say that the food make my heart feel better, but it did make me not want to throw up, unlike so many other choices on the menu. She also sent up a container of salted peanuts for me. So thanks, (well call her) my supplier, for making my day a little better.

The Facts of Life

This is the taking the bad part of the facts of life. Don't ask me why, but I have found myself depressed and crying most of my day away. There is nothing different about today. But I have just felt very sad. Every time I have seen my boys today, I cried. Hugging them, talking to them was just not enough. THe time feels too short for my visits with them and I am left with the vivid memory of my little boy crawling up to me and hugging me and Ellie belly.

After saying goodbye to them at around 6pm tonight, I cried for 30 minutes; then I was going to write this blog about FUCK people for not appreciating things in life (although I would disclaim that I too take things for granted). I felt so pissed watching people take things for granted. Big stuff, by all means is aloud to suck. But when you have a broken nail or your day didn't go exactly how you want it. You didn't get all your chores finished. You didn't get that pedicure you wanted, you missed a movie, you got the wrong meal for dinner. I was just ready to say, SHUT THE FUCK UP.

And after calming down, I reminded myself that we all have sucky days. As my good friend once told me, just because someone else had a worse day, doesn't makes your day any less sucky. Of course this is the same friend who allows me to have a maximum of 24 hours to be allowed to feel sucky.

But as your read this I hope that you find yourself slowing down a little (not to my snail pace). And I hope you take that extra time to snuggle your family - do it for this goofball who doesn't get to say goodnight in person to her husband or son. Enjoy that run or walk because some people don't get to leave their homes, nursing homes, hospital rooms. Enjoy the fresh air, the sunset, the fabulous dinner. Just try to enjoy it all more. I know this bedrest enlightenment won't last forever, but I will try not to take things for granted when I'm outta here. Because sometimes when things get back to normal, we forget what we have learned. And that is just being human.

Just not feeling it today

Skipped breakfast, ate the bare minimum for lunch so I wouldn't get sick, and cried while watching Jack and Nick on the video camera. This must be one of the low days the nurses were talking about.

The flip side

So I have been one very lucky patient this weekend and have been given some of the funniest, calmest nurses. Here's the deal, #1 and #2 aren't bad nurses. They are thorough. #2 goes by the book, which is what you want in an emergency. #1 has a heart in there somewhere (I saw that side last week). But a good portion of the nurses are lovely (and funny as hell) people who are helping me get through bedrest both phsyically and psychologically.

Since I'm the only antenatal patient on the ward, I have plenty of time to get to know them; then I can start praying to the gods of labor for specific ones to work when it's time to deliver.

Oh and today, I sewed and stuffed my first lilly pad (I got the stuffing supplies from Kelly).

Don't give me any ideas

So this isn't thr first time this has happened to me, but tonight they are showing Father of the Bride Part II. You know, the one where the mother and daughter get pregnant and go into labor at the same time... sorry, did I ruin it for you. ;)

Anyway, I see the labor part start, and all of a sudden my body gets an idea. No shit. I start wanting to push with them. Well, they haven't gotten to that pushing part, but even the contraction part makes me think about the pushing part. So, I will not be finishing that movie, or any other movie that involves pushing babies out.

Now if I get to 40 weeks, then, I will.

Hope you all are having a lovely Sunday. I got to see the boys on the computer. They worked on Ellie's room, they played in the basement. We all watched Star Wars during pizza and a movie night. But since Jack has been sick, I haven't seen him in person since Tuesday. I miss presence.

Tonight I bid you an adavan goodnight

Good day this morning. Convinced my doctor to play plants vs zombies when he say I was trying to make felt stuffed animals of the characters. Then i had a visit with Kelly. Kelly let's me call my son a genius... we've talk about it and even people like serial killers are genius. But he's a genius; it's going to be something big. ;)

After my every other day shower today, I started feeling weaker and had more pressure. I didn't eat much dinner because I felt nauseated. I started contracting and hyperventilating. Fortunately, Dana came by to visit, so I made her do the talking. She was like a stand up comedian. :) That helped. What also helped was having some very dry-witted nurses. Love them. They also seem to remain very calm while I am freaking out. That helps me stay calm in between my hyper breathing.

The nurse and the doc talked tonight and decided to give me a stronger medicine for anxiety. It was given before 9pm, but I am still awake 2 hours later. Although relaxed and sleepy. I think this might be a good substitute for the two nighttime drugs to help me relax and sleep. So peace out ya'll.

I bid you all an ambien goodnight

When I lost Bub in September, I was heartbroken. One song gave me some kind of comfort and for the past day or so, I have been thinking about it and about Bub, and Jack and Ellie. My kids. I love them all. I won't be able to really explain to everyone that my 6-week-old fetus died, but his name was Bub, and we loved him. That info is more for close friends and family. So here and now, I say to you that I have had 3 children. I will only be raising two of them, but there will always be 3 in my heart. Goodnight my sweet children.

Paul Simon's Mother and Child Reunion. Here are the lyrics:

No I would not give you false hope
On this strange and mournful day
But the mother and child reu-nion
Is only a motion away, oh, little darling of mine.
I cant for the life of me
Remember a sadder day
I know they say let it be
But it just dont work out that way
And the course of a lifetime runs
Over and over again

No I would not give you false hope
On this strange and mournful day
But the mother and child reu-nion
Is only a motion away, oh, little darling of mine.

I just cant believe its so,
And though it seems strange to say
I never been laid so low
In such a mysterious way
And the course of a lifetime runs
Over and over again

But I would not give you false hope
On this strange and mournful day
When the mother and child reu-nion
Is only a motion away,
Oh, oh the mother and child reunion
Is only a motion away
Oh the mother and child reu-nion
Is only a moment away

Paul said of the inspiration for the song, "Last summer we had a dog that was run over and killed, and we loved this dog. It was the first death I had ever experienced personally. Nobody in my family died that I felt that. But I felt this loss -- one minute there, next minute gone, and then my first thought was, "Oh, man, what if that was (my wife) Peggy? What if somebody like that died? Death, what is it, I can't get it." And there were lyrics straight out forward like that. The chorus for "Mother and Child Reunion" -- well, that's out of the title. Somehow there was a connection between this death and Peggy and it was like Heaven, I don't know what the connection was. Some emotional connection. It didn't matter to me what it was. I just knew it was there."

Like mother, like daughter

Oh yeah, one more thing... I told the sonographer that all that pushing around was going to lead to revenge on me later. I was right. That little girl is kicking my a...bdomen. Fortunately, I got my ambien at 9pm, so maybe she and I will sleep well tonight. I'm also feeding her baked lays, which are carbs, which make you sleepy.

Say "cheese"

So we had our ultrasound today. It took almost an hour for it because they tested Ellie to see if she practiced breathing within a half hour. Little girl, who hiccups a lot on me (a sign of breathing), didn't practice until 28 minutes. :) She really is going to be stubborn.

I love Ellie. She moved more like a baby today then ever before (not shock there) and watching her yawn and cover her eyes with her hands made me so happy. It was our little girl doing baby stuff. And before we know it, she will be making that yawning face to us.

Let's see... she's head down (and hiccuping as I type), 2lbs., 13oz., and hanging out very low. But my cervix is still closed, it was measured about 1.1cm, not as short as the .8 I had, but not as long as before. So we'll take it. I am one week off from being 30 weeks, which means I can deliver here from then on out.

And I should be getting that ambien on time tonight, and everyone has been knocking first.

Someone is getting a catheter down the hall, so I consider myself lucky. Have you ever had one of those? Yeah, it sucks rocks.

29 weeks, baby

So it's 29 weeks today. Woot! It's a semi-busy day. I have already had a volunteer with the paper, Dr. Smith and a visit from the nurses 2 times. I got weighed, and I'm very pleased with the amount of weight I have gained since I got pregnant. I have an ultrasound at 1pm, and a dance for bedrest patients at 9pm. Ambien and diet cokes will be served.

It's not a good sign when your doctor tells you that you are his healthiest patient. But I'll take it.

Oh what a night...

#1 and #2 have been here today. Both have proven to be not as bad as I initially gave them credit for. I have been uncomfortable this afternoon and this evening so they monitored me for a while. The nurse who delivered Jack worked today, too, and she makes me feel so much better. But I asked #2 for an ambien again so I could get a relaxing night's sleep and she said, "we'll see." FUCK! Sorry for the language, but I could use a good night's sleep tonight. So I am a little bit pissy. I am tired, but not relaxed. FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!

Limbo

How low can this little girl go. I feel her body really low by my pelvic bones and stuff down there. It's not comfortable. But hey, at least she's moving and not making me go into labor.

Still have a sick boy at home. :( Work for Nick is stressful so my folks stayed another day so Nick wouldn't have to worry about rushing home. Tomorrow the ILs are suppose to be here to help out.

I got to shave my legs today. It was very exciting stuff. :)

2 more days until 29 weeks

Dude, I'm only 2 days away from 29 weeks. Woot. Would you believe I have been on bedrest for almost 9 weeks. It's crazy. I read only a little bit of information about what would happen if I delivered at 29 weeks; and while it's not even close to ideal, it isn't even nearly as bad as when I first found out 9 weeks ago. She wasn't viable when we found out, not there is a pretty good chance of survival. And then I'm only 9 days away from 30 weeks. Woot.

I had dinner with Nick tonight and a visit from the folks this evening. So I have gotten human contact today. Nick was making me laugh so hard, I was worried I was going to go into labor.

Little girl

On Sunday, Ellie was not moving a lot. During her monitoring session, her heart beat would slow down and then come back up immediately. It made me uncomfortable knowing that if something were to go wrong, there was nothing I could do about it.

However, for the past two days, this little girl has been moving up a storm. Yesterday, I could feel either her butt or her head keep flipping on my left side. Today, she is back but stretched out more. I would bed to say that her butt is on my left abdomen and her feet are in my right ribs. I love it.

It's so hard to imagine her as real most of the time. I think I don't want to get my heart broken so I am not spending tons of time talking to her one on one. Criticize me, but it feels like a coping mechanism. What if something does go wrong? I am so close to the goal I can almost taste it, but something things don't play out the way you want. I know I sound pessimistic, but when you are left alone with your thoughts and no quality daytime tv, worrying ensues - well for those who are genetically linked to my parents and their parents.

I drank the Kool-aid and I won

I passed my glucose test. So I can continue to stuff my face with sweets if I choose to. Woot!

I got to cuddle with my little one today. We watched puppies and fish and giggled. Heaven.

I had two visitors tonight. I got a carbonated diet coke (from Sonic). A visit eith the folks. And chocolate chip/peanut butter cookies. What a rockin' day.

The haircut photo

Ok, it's pretty bad on the bottom back. I will need assistance after all.

Don't drink the koolaid

This morning, I have a lovely visit from my doc. I get a visit from him every morning now that I'm here. I asked him if I needed to keep those blood circulation boots on all day, and he said no. I told him that some of the nurses make sure that I wear them all the time, and he said I don't have to be complient and I should speak up. Love my doctor. Ultrasound of my cervix is on Friday. We'll see what's left of it.

Also this morning, I got to take my blood sugar test. Aren't you all just jealous? Never had one? Well you have to drink an 8-10 oz cup of sugary liquid. It tastes like sunkist without the carbonation. And you have to drink it in 5 minutes. No pressure. I liked the nurse who gave it to me because she giggled as she said she was sorry to do this to me. But she told me she had to take this test every week when she was pregnant, so I told her she had a right to giggle.

My parents are coming into town today. Nick has a chance to work late the next couple of nights, which I know will help relieve some of his work stress. The boys visited last night, which is the highlight of my day. I talked to my college roommate and very good friend, Carie, on Skype last night. I love that we can pick up where we left off. It stinks that she lives so far away, but I'm glad we got to do the video chat.

Don't make too much fun of me, but...

I cut my own hair. Not the top or the top back, but the over-the-ears, bangs and the neck. I can't see my neck area, but here's hoping I didn't do too bad of a job. I figured by the time I'm off bedrest, I should be regrown in the area and ready for a proper haircut.

Amendment

Nurse #2, after explaining my inability to comprehend much for a goood portion of the day, was willing to give me the ambien. And after talking with her for a few minutes, I felt much less annoyed. Nurse #1 is still on my shitlist. :)

And I got over myself earlier.

Going Loco

I think I might be losing my mind tonight. I was lucky enough to have a visitor this morning, but my boys decided (mostly Jack) to stay in their pjs all day. (Something that has not happened in a couple of weeks but well deserved.) As you have read in my earlier post (you did, right? Right?), today was not the ideal nursing staff. Food did not sound appealing tonight. Just liquids. Plus throughout the day, I have had mini panic attacks start happening when I think about the fact that I am stuck in this room. It feels like being trapped in an elevator or a tube - although really, those are worse. It's just psychological. Plus I am having these random thoughts of bad things happening to the boys, as if my being with them will protect them. Shit happens, and I have very little control over anything in this life. Just my choices and my attitude. Yeah, I'll keep telling myself that and taking my meds.

I know, death is a much worse. Being terminally or chronically sick is much worse. Having a sick child is much, much worse. I could find more, they just came to mind first. Nick told me a story yesterday. Jack and Nick were coming to visit me and a woman entered the elevator when they did. Jack pushed the "3" button and the woman pushed the "2" button. Jack turned to the lady and said, "I'm going to see my mom." The lady said, "I'm going to see my son in the ICU."

Bitchfest

Today, I ended up with my two least favorite nurses. Nurse #1 talks to me like a child. I even got a pout the first time a met her.The day that I found out I was staying here for another 8 weeks, she was bragging about all her grandchildren that are coming in her happy little life. I wanted to punch her in the face. I know, she should be allowed to, but that day, I felt pissed to not have a normal pregnancy.

Nurse #2 usually only works until 11pm, so she refuses to give me my ambien (to help me sleep) until 11pm. Problem is I sleep pretty much all morning, I miss lunch and sleep a little bit of the afternoon away. It sucks, and it makes me feel depressed. She believes that because the 11pm staff need to do my vitals, she doesn't want me to have to be woken up. Why she can't take my vitals or why I can't be woken up (which, most likely, I will still be awake waiting for the ambien to kick in) I don't know. She doesn't believe me when I tell her that I stay awake for a couple of hours after taking it. So today I avoided falling asleep at all so maybe I won't need the ambien tonight. Oh yeah, and today she reminded me to order dinner. Yeah, I am not a kid.

I am sure both of these nurses are being nice, but they just annoy me. Everyone else seems to be mindful of me being a hormonal woman who is trapped in a hospital bed away from her family for a long period of time.... and ready to lose her mind if she is pushed too hard.

Two general comments for anyone who wants to avoid me going off:
Don't talk to me as if I am not making this child the first priority by telling me how to lay, or what to eat or drink, or worrying I won't take my meds. Seriously. I will start swinging.

Don't just open my door. Knock first, and maybe wait until I say COME IN. The only people in my life who are allowed to walk in are the people I live with everyday.

Saturdays with the Rogers

The boys and I are chatting on the computer. Love video calling. But all I want to do is go home.

Dinner with the boys

Am i glad my husband is a computer nerd. Not only do I find the computer geek persona sexy, but he also has set me up with a webcam so I can talk to him and Jack. Here is what our dinner looked like tonight.

My cheesy eggs were a little crispy on the outside spongy on the inside. The biscuits were pretty good. But the boys looked like they enjoyed their Rosati's pizza. I enjoyed not wondering if food was going to be spilled, how long I had with the boys, wondering if Jack was going to be able to enjoy his evening. I got to watch Jack play and laugh and have fun in the comfort of his home, and Nick be able to relax and get stuff done before bedtime. It was good.

My OCD List

Things I would love to work on now that's it's spring and knowing that once Ellie is here, I will be busy and tired in the beginning:

Reorganize the garage - maybe add some hanging shelves to make more room on the floor.

Get the baby room ready and get the baby stuff out of the storage.

Reorganize the storage room.

Mulch the garden beds.

But first, weed the garden beds and remove the dead parts of the perennials.

Put a patio table on the back porch.

Plant in the little garden Jack and I started last year.

Purge/donate some thing that haven't been used in over a year.

Replace Jack's curtains and furniture so there is only three main colors in his room. Green, white and black.

Replace the blinds in the house. We got an estimate from the Blind Man, and man is it expensive.

Get a proper haircut, manicure and pedicure.

Scrapbook 4 years worth of stuff.

Paint the light behind the garage brown - it's the only one left.

Figure out which toys Jack doesn't play with anymore. Put those away to make room for the baby stuff.

Go shopping for Jack's birthday supplies.

Anyone want to help me with me OCD, let me know. ;) Honestly, it makes me feel a little less anxious just putting the list out there.

The food lady

The dietician was in this morning. She asked me about my weight and my appetite. She asked if they were weighing me daily. It was really good times. I wanted to tell her to stuff it in the nicest way possible.

Tonight's report

Here are a few thoughts for the night:

1. We really can't do dinners here. Nick is tormented (although he won't say so) by picking up food, driving here, getting into the labor/delivery unit (he waited 15 minutes outside the door) and keeping a child from spilling food/drink. I am tormented by his torment. It's easier to each separate. And that will have to be ok with me.

2. My parents will never understand that the are not only a great help but also a great stress factor. I had 3 contractions while on the phone with them tonight.

3. I plan on stuffing my face with oreos. As one of the nurses joked, "Food is all you have control over right now."

4. Based on a rule from Kelly and Neil, I am allowed 24 hours of suckage. I have used up about 8 of those. Can I save the other hours for a different day, or is it a use it or lose it thing?

Bedrest Day 51

I was originally going to call the blog, "the father, the son, and the incompetent cervix" but my sister suggested the mother and daughter - because really it's the two of us stuck here together.

Day 51 of bedrest. Today sucks. But I'm starting not to feel sad like I did earlier. I don't feel sorry for myself. I just feel kinda pissy and scared. Pissy because I want to be with my boys. Pissy that I can't have a normal pregnancy. Pissy that I can't nest and make things in my house just so. Pissy because I have no control over anything accept for what side of my body I lay on. And scared that something will happen to Ellie. I want so much to make her a given for our future, but I am scared to believe that she won't be, and I will have to deal with the loss of a child.

Nick rocks. He is a trooper and a great dad. I realize that his role has come to be because of a choice we both made, but it is still hard. He's single parenting it, working, dealing with a wife who is emotional and hormonal and demanding daily diet cokes. And he stays patient and calm and loving. He's running his ship tight, so if he doesn't accept help from others, it's because he has things just the way he can handle them.

Jack rocks. Besides a few normal emotional moments, the kid is a rock star. He is having fun at school and at Miss Kelly's house, who, besides Nick, he spends most of his time with. He's taking the initiative to stuff on his own. I feel like I'm missing out on so much with him. People say this is only for a short time, but they also say that those 18 years with your kids go by fast, too. So, that is why I don't want to miss out. I am happy to say that he is still very excited to meet Ellie. I was worried that he would resent her, but he is super psyched and wants her to come out now; we've tried to explain the science of maternity to him, but he doesn't care.

I'll try not to post monologues. I have random thoughts throughout the day. Things I need to do, goofy things that pop in my mind. I'll post them.

I know it's been a long time...

So let's briefly catch up. My kid is rocking school. My husband is still busy with work. My husband and I got busy and made another baby. Any questions?

I'm processing now. You don't have to read. It's more for me than for the readers. This place and running helped me process my grief. Although it's been 6 months and although I am pregnant again, I am still grieving.

I got pregnant about 6 weeks after my miscarriage. My doctor advised us to wait, but we just let things happen. We knew what unprotected sex would lead to, and even after a mature conversation, we still decided to let things be. I honestly didn't believe it would happen so soon. It took 9 months to get pregnant with our miscarried baby. When I found out this time, I was overwhelmed. Scared. The first trimester was spent waiting to lose the baby. Once I got to the second trimester, I felt a little better, but would still hold my breath every morning going to the bathroom to see any sign of loss. Now that I feel the baby move, I pay close attention to the daily movement. I am trying to enjoy it, but the loss of our last baby has made me doubt. If we would lose this child, I imagine that I would be finished expanding out family. The heartbreak of losing two children would be almost unbearable.

I have never replaced the baby I lost. I think of him (for lack of not knowing the gender, I will use he) almost daily. This morning, I was in the shower remembering the day that I had my D&C to remove the dead fetus. I remember the fact that somewhere my fetus was buried nearby Provena Hospital. And I was thinking that it was only 6 weeks conceived when it died, even though in my mind it made it to 10 weeks. I barely knew him, but he was my child. I felt very confused this morning because without the loss of our last child, our Bub, we would not have our baby now. I don't cry anymore, but I still feel the sadness.

Curious J renamed this baby Bathtub Bub. He was explaining to his grandma that we have two Bubs. One is with "God" and died. The other one is in my belly. It's hard to not think about Bub; my child uses some form of the name to identify the new baby. I fought the name change at first, for selfish reasons. There was only one Bub to me. But I'm the grownup and needed to deal with my issues. I needed to help J cope with all the change. If that meant changing the name to what he liked, than that was it.

Ok. I'm done for now. I needed to "say" it, whether there is an audience or not. I miss you Bub. And please body, god, the universe, science, or whoever else I should "pray" to, please let this baby be healthy and live.