Feeling a little vulnerable

Blue Eyes had surgery on her eyes yesterday. It was successful and while the first post-op wakeup was extrememly unpleasant, BE did amazingly well after that. She at my brownie when we got home but her right eye has more bright red blood in it... like someone punched her in the eye during one of her baby fight club matches. Her eyes are not matched up yet. Instead they have done the opposite and are cross eyed. Our doc said this is normal and it will take a couple of months for consistent normal vision.

I really struggled looking at her after surgery. It could have been from feeling guilty of putting her through the surgery only for her eyes to look worse afterwards. It would have been the anxiety that was built up to this day. It could have been worry that it may make things worse not better. I don't know. But when we got home, Curious J did not want to look at her or be in the same room as her. Fortunately, I am married to a very calm man who worked with J through his emotions. By dinner J was eating at the same table with her. Had I been the only parent handling his emotions he probably would still be hiding from BE.

I remembered what Quigs told me when I went on bedrest. I can feel bad/sorry for myself (and in this case, sorry for BE) for the first 24 hours, but after that, no more feeling sorry. And the funny thing was it actually worked for me (mind you, it does not work the same on a 5 year old). Today, I feel fine. A good nights sleep, a happy baby... I had readjusted my thinking. J is back to his normal self, too.

But sometimes when stuff is going on in my life, and I find that stuff is going on in other peoples lives around me, I feel blue, for lack of a better word. For me, there is no rhyme or reason to why things happen to people... why people die, pets die, people get sick with awful diseases, etc. I can't turn to faith to feel better. Instead it reiterates to me that "no one" is out there controling the universe, because if they were there, then I would instead be pissed as hell at him or her.

And so tonight, I send out positive, healing thoughts and energy to friends, acquaintances, and strangers who are feeling the stress of hard part of life. And hope that helps.