Feeling Blah

Curious J is going to start preschool and tells us he can do things by himself. Some of my favorite (or once favorite) tv shows are coming to an end. Buildings around town close. My parents are slowing down. Actors who were in your favorite movies in the 80's and 90's now have wrinkles. All reminders that time is fleeting.

Last night I watched ER, tonight I watched Battlestart Galactica. Feeling nostalgic and sad. Old characters that I have to say goodbye to. It's not even the shows themselves, but what they represent. A different time. A younger me. Hell, even George Clooney looks older now (but still fine!). I remember when ER started. I was in love with Carter. It was around the time I started college. I was young and skinny and had no idea how many opportunities were ahead of me. All I thought about was my checklist of things to be done in life.

The folks came to visit last week to help out with watching J. My dad has Parkinsons. He is slowing down. At first, I was pretty upset. Then I got use to him having it. Last week, he and mom would mention things about his legs giving him problems. His medicines are you making him more and more tired. My parents are getting older. And it's weird to think that my dad is going to be 70 in less than 2 years. When did he get so much older. I don't know how many years we will have left with them. I'm the sandwich generation now; it became more apparent after Jack was born and my grandmother died. Someday, sooner rather than later, I may have to make the decisions that my dad had to make for his mom. I will have to watch my parents become unable to take care of themselves. I will have to go through their house and revisit my life without them. And that's it. They won't come back. I won't be able to give them a hard time and see them again soon.

And before you know it, J will start grade school, then high school. Then off to college. Having his own family, if he chooses). And I will be the one to be taken care of. And one day, that will be the end of it. Gone. Poof. I won't be able to smell his hair when he sits next to me, or feel his hand grab mine. He'll be too big for that, and that's the way it should be.

I feel so insignificant. Sometimes, I feel like a little insect just moving through the day, trying to keep the species going by teaching the younger generation how to survive. Survival is not enough for me. But I also don't believe that there is something waiting for me on the other side. I feel so minute.

I tell J he is special. And to me he is! But he will find that everyone has good and bad , talents and weaknesses. And while some of us have extraordinary abilities, we are still all pretty much thte same. Which isn't bad, because it keeps us humble if we allow it to.

BDR believes in God. He tells J that God loves him. This kid is going to be confused about what to believe; we don't have a game plan on religious discussions. But I'm glad that not just one of us is raising him. I want him to a greater significance. So I am glad that his dad tells him about God. Plus, I know that BDR won't tell him close-minded in his discussions. And I'm glad he has me to help him question it all. Maybe he will question out existance and come back to what his dad taught him all along. But at least he will do it eyes wide open.

I wish I could have an answer to give me peace of mind. But instead as I look at aging and dying, I see an abyss waiting for me. I try to hold on to the preciousness of time now, but no one is perfect at that. There is no way to avoid the abyss. And that just bothers the shit out of me.