I'm still here

So yesterday I went to my counselor's office. This time, we talked about the fact that I recently went back up on my antidepressant medication. He asked me questions about if I noticed changes in my mood gradually or all of a sudden. I usually don't notice until I get to a point where I could stay in bed all the time and don't feel motivated to do anything, socially, parentally, or personally. The big indicator is that I start focusing more on morality to a point where it effects my behavior. I thought I was doing better on the lower dosage, but I was wrong. After taking the higher dosage for about a week or so, I have noticed that, while still tired, I get up, dressed and out more, socialize more, and have more quality time with my child.

What does it mean? I have chronic depression. It's not a fluke or an overprescribing from my doctors. It's not just postpartum. I have been on antidepressant medications for 10 years this year. When I went off of them the first time, I was so depressed that I told BDR he needed to divorce me; I felt like he was having to take too much care of me and that wasn't his job. I cried all the time. BDR had to have lunch with me every day because I felt so alone, and even when he did, I still felt alone. And if you think I am OCD now, it was far worse then. That was the one and only time I went off medication. Since then, it's a matter of figuring out dosage for my body.

BDR has always been supportive of me taking medication with out making me feel like a freak. He compares depression to someone with diabetes. You need it to make your body work because it's a chemical issue. And in both situations, you get in a place where you feel really good and you don't think you need your medicine; but if you stop taking it, you body comes crashing down. It's not a just mind over matter thing.

Sometimes, like with my recent med increase, I am reminded that I have a chemical imbalance that makes me depressed, and I will need to take medication for depression for the long haul. It sucks, but it could be worse. And while BDR (and friends for that matter) never makes me feel that way, I feel like weak because I still believe I can teach myself how to not feel depressed. So off to bed I go... and I can't forget to take my medicine.