What a difference a day makes.

I have had all these thoughts today and I need somewhere to put them.

Today was Curious J's first day of preschool. I will remember him eating cream of wheat for his first day's breakfast. I will remember him holding Nick and my hand as we walked into the building. I will remember feeling a little nervous but extremely proud as he walked in and immediately went to the toys, without even looking back to ask where I would be. I will remember picking him up from school and how great of a mood he was in when I picked him up.

I will remember taking J to the library to check out Transformers books. Him getting told by the librarian not to run, which made me giggle a little (but I didn't ignore it).

I will remember that today is the day that I found out Bub was dead. I will remember the feeling of seeing him on the monitor and not moving. I will remember the immediate feeling of remorse. I will remember the kindness that the staff gave to me at that moment of sadness, even though I didn't want them to say anything, but knew they were only trying. I will remember waiting for BDR to get to the office. I will remember how BDR immediately hugged me when he came into the room and asked me if I was alright. I will remember all the people I had to tell and not wanting to hear anything back from them because of the awkwardness of the conversation. I will remember that I immediately knew I wanted a DNC instead of waiting for nature to take it's course. I will remember that I wanted to cut my pregnancy haircut immediately, and did. I will remember the sound of my mother's voice saying "NO" when I called and didn't even have to say the words. I will remember telling Jack about Bub and his reaction being so much more grown-up with his sadness for the loss, his thoughfulness towards BDR and my feelings. I will remember that his reaction broke my heart more than anyone else's.

Finally, I will remember sitting on the couch with BDR after J's bedtime...talking about the day, talking about our sadness, and remembering that while this loss is sad, it is not as great as other losses could be. Having J not only reminds us of our good fortune, but also forces us (in a good way) to move forward and not wallow.