Huh?!

I love my life. I love my family and the way we work. I love being able to stay at home with the kids. I love where I love, and and I love my friends. That being said, I sometimes think my family and friends get the raw end of the deal. What do I offer them? It's funny, I know who I am more now then when I was younger, but I offer less of myself to others now and have less factors that really make me stand apart from others. I am absent-minded and neurotic. I like wearing my pajamas or sweatpants almost all the time.

I focus more on my little family then anyone else out there. I think I am a good wife and mom. Not perfect, but definitely not bad. I will send my kids to therapy for one reason or another (or 10 reasons), but they probably won't become serial killers because of me. I stink at teaching my children coping mechanisms. Nick can just joke the hurt away. Amazing.

My family of origin and my friends are not given the same kind of attention. I don't remember important dates or what people are doing for the week. I don't donate to their causes or buy gifts. If they are lucky, I call them once a week or so. I am, for all intensive purposes, lazy. I think that having always had to do something every minute of the day until I graduated from college made me feel exhausted afterwards. And once I was only responsible to Nick and to a job, everything else was not a priority. I liked having no other things on my schedule. I spend too much money (although not crazy amounts, just too much). I drink too much soda and like too many sweets.

I would rather have a lovely, clean and organized house instead of going on vacation. Leaving on a trip is too much effort. And when you return home, the only thing you do is make the house messy with all the laundry and toys brought on the trip. Man, I am a bummer.

But then I meet other women who make crafts, exercise, and volunteer, and work, and take their kids places. I want to be the girl who is totally on top of things again, but I don't. That girl was extremely uptight. Now I am just partially uptight. I make more jokes and laugh more. The few relationships I do have now are more quality. I will probably never make a big dent in the community, even close to a dent I made in high school or college. I won't be a size 2, 4 or even 6 ever again in life, but I have two beautiful kids that added a little bit more "hippage" to my body. I'll take the hips for my kids any day. But like I said in my first sentence, I have a good life and I love it.

So as I sit here processing, I need to look at what I want to work on. I want to work on better quality relationships. While I may only have a handful of really good friends, I want to be able to offer them what they give me. And if i let others down, I'm sorry; but I'm not at the same time. I'm going to work harder on eating lunch in more. Maybe less (gulp) fountain sodas. I'm going to try to figure out how to get more involved in the community, whether it be my kids' school or an organization that I really believe in. I may not donate to causes all over the place, but I'll give where I can.

Ok, that's it for now. I don't know if anyone remembers I'm out here - it's been that long. I like processing externally. I am not writing this to having someone flatter me with comments to make me feel better. I am sincerely trying to process who I am and where I am going with people. I don't want bullshit answers.

And I thank and love the people who love me, even with my faults. I don't get it, but I appreciate it. They have shown me what true love is.

Year anniversary

Two days from now will be the year anniversary of losing Bub. Bub was our baby in between Jack and Ellie. He passed away at 6.5 weeks in utero, but I didn't find out until week 10, September 1, 2009. Even as I sit here with my two amazing, healthy kids, I miss this baby that never was. The Urbana Sweet Corn festival last year was the last event we went to before finding out about the loss, and Jack's first day of preschool was the day we found out about the loss. So the annual Sweet Corn Festival was this weekend; Jack's first day of school was today; and Sept 1 is Wednesday. It's not just one day of remembering; it's a week. And I'm sad; and I'm tired of being sad. And I want something to mark the anniversary so I can remember and move on.

Gotta go hug the shit out of my two kids.

Damn, I'm lucky and other hormonally based thoughts...

I wrote this shortly after Ellie was just born. Better late than never...

As most of my avid readers out there may know, Ellie was born at exactly 36 weeks. Because of her size and jaundice, we had to stay in the hospital a 3 extra days. For a mommy on bedrest, a few more days did start taking me over the edge. Fortunately, I had a husband who kicked me out of the hospital when Ellie was still a patient but I wasn't. Anyway, here's some thoughts I have had over the past week and a half.

1. I am one lucky lady. E is here, safe and sound. She's a spitter-upper, but we can deal with it.

2. My boy, J, is a strong kid. He has his emotional moments, but no greater than a regular 4 year old. He loves his sister, without malice toward the time that I was taken from him. He has grown up so much since I have been unavailable. And I love who he's becoming.

3. I have an amazing husband. Who would have thought 17 years ago I would pick someone who is the best man I know. I am just as in love with him as I was before. It's different. It will never be like when we were 16 or 20, but it is so much better than that.

4. I am stronger than I thought and I am impressed. I made it through 15.75 weeks of bedrest. I was alone when I got my epidural (and narcotic free). I cut my own kid's ambilical cord. I realize that I can do anything I put my mind to, even if it is extremely uncomfortable.

5. Another kid made me realize how great my love for Jack is.

6. I am riding the waves of stress better this time.

35 weeks and growing

I'm huge. No, I'm not calling myself fat. I really feel big and uncomfortable. Like there's some alien growing inside of me. But it means Ellie is getting bigger and stronger and able to survive without medical assistance. I don't know how big she is, but I can tell she's getting bigger; her body makes larger movements.

My cervix got measured today. It was .9 - 1.1cm long. Not bad considering that I have been a little more active since Jack's birthday and contracting more. Last ultrasound was 1.1-1.3. My doctor is going out of town until Wednesday evening, but he said that if I go in labor next weekend, I should have the "girls" (nurses) at the hospital call him, even though he's not on call. He wants to deliver this baby.

Friday will be week 36. At that point I am a wild animal set free after being imprisioned. What do I do? Where do I start? How much energy will I really have? How much will the shape and size of my body limit me to do things?

I can get Sonic sodas. Drop my kid off at summer camp. Walk my kid to bed. Clean toilets. Get pedicures. Go to the movies. Go shopping. Maybe even weed and garden if it's not too hot. Shit I'm excited.

This week, I'm scrapbooking the last 4 years of our life. Since it's an organizational project, it eases my OCD urges. And I can work on it in bed. It will be a nice way to close up bedrest. I should not wait to scrapbook so long again.

Not in labor

Ok, my contractions stop. Now, I am just achy from the ligament pain.

BTW, I love the fact that little girl helps me crave fruit.

How does one know if ones in labor?

So I have not been feeling the greatest since last night. I know I'm having some contractions and I'm kinda uncomfortable. But I also know this little girl is moving like mad and my ligaments are aching. So I'm just going to sit here, drink water, eat fruit and relax. And if that doens't work, well then I'm calling in.

A day of celebration and rememberance

My little man finishes his first year of school today. He has grown so much. He has learned to comfortably be apart from his mom and dad, he has become independent on some things. He has made friends, and he shows affection for those friends. As any mother would be, I am very proud of his accomplishments this year. But, as you can guess, his dad and I are his biggest fans.

Celebration number two is that we have made it to 34 weeks today with Ellie. It's hard to believe that about 14 week ago, they gave us some potentially scary news that she might be born prematurely. But we have made it with the help of friends and family, make it to this goal. Here's to at least 2 more weeks. My anxiety has dissipated, she would do well at this point. :)

For me, it's also a day of remembrance. Jack's last day of school makes me think of Jack's first day of school. Nervousness and excitement for him, and also the news that we lost our baby, Bub. We will miss him; he will always be my child, and the people who know me best know that I will always see myself as a mother of three. But without losing our Bub, we would not have Ellie. So, here's to my three kids.

Feeling a bit sad tonight

This whole turning four thing... Jack's birthdays have not made me sad before, but this year I feel a little melancholy. He's getting bigger. Yes, he screams and pitches fits, makes messes and doesn't listen... he's not perfect; neither am I. But the happiness that we have in our lives from him being in it is overwhelming and intoxicating. I love it.

Happy Birthday, Jack!

I love you, Jack! Happy Birthday, sweet boy. I wish you a happy life.

I know I'm late in blogging this. But it's been a crazy weekend. I used more energy in two days than I have in the 13 weeks on bedrest. Getting back from exhaustion, I want to say how awesome it is to celebrate my first born's 4th birthday. I can't believe he has been with us for 4 years. I can remember the day he was born very vividly, which is probably why I am not looking forward to labor again. ;)

Jack has started saying "I can do it, I'm 4." I love it. Doesn't work on everything, but those moments of independence make me very proud.

All the grandfolks were here on his special day. Aunt Mich made it, and we were able to have 7 friends from home and school join us in celebration. I feel bad we didn't have more kids, because we had more Jack wanted to invite, but we were only allotted a certain number at the rec center. At this age, I have tried to make it Jack's choice.

Jack asked when his birthday was coming up again, and I had to let him know not for another 364 days. That's too long for a 4 year old - so I tried to make it better by saying that Christmas was only 7 months away. :)

I am very appreciative of my folks and Kelly, who helped me make the day a Plants v Zombies birthday. They ran errands for me, printed stuff out for me... stuff that I was unable to do.

Behind

Bet you thought I was going to talk about my butt based on the Title, didn't you? Sorry to disappoint, but the only thing it's doing is getting bigger.

I am behind on blogs. I was going to post a video of Jack talking to his baby, but I got a little sidetracked sewing lily pads and wallnuts.... and playing the regular level of Crystal Spider Solitaire on facebook. Oops.

So we're almost at 33 weeks. Things are getting closer. I'm scared shitless of labor, even though I've already made it through one time already pretty pain-free. Maybe that's why I'm so scared. the time that was crazy intense pain I could not handle it for very long. What if I'm not near the appropriate calming drugs when that occurs?

Ellie is moving like a mad girl. Big waves. She's quiet in the mornings usually, but come nightfall, she's like a werewolf.

Ok that's it for now. I'll post more later. Gotta go to bed. Jack is going to be 4 in 4 days. Craziness.