Bedrest Day 51

I was originally going to call the blog, "the father, the son, and the incompetent cervix" but my sister suggested the mother and daughter - because really it's the two of us stuck here together.

Day 51 of bedrest. Today sucks. But I'm starting not to feel sad like I did earlier. I don't feel sorry for myself. I just feel kinda pissy and scared. Pissy because I want to be with my boys. Pissy that I can't have a normal pregnancy. Pissy that I can't nest and make things in my house just so. Pissy because I have no control over anything accept for what side of my body I lay on. And scared that something will happen to Ellie. I want so much to make her a given for our future, but I am scared to believe that she won't be, and I will have to deal with the loss of a child.

Nick rocks. He is a trooper and a great dad. I realize that his role has come to be because of a choice we both made, but it is still hard. He's single parenting it, working, dealing with a wife who is emotional and hormonal and demanding daily diet cokes. And he stays patient and calm and loving. He's running his ship tight, so if he doesn't accept help from others, it's because he has things just the way he can handle them.

Jack rocks. Besides a few normal emotional moments, the kid is a rock star. He is having fun at school and at Miss Kelly's house, who, besides Nick, he spends most of his time with. He's taking the initiative to stuff on his own. I feel like I'm missing out on so much with him. People say this is only for a short time, but they also say that those 18 years with your kids go by fast, too. So, that is why I don't want to miss out. I am happy to say that he is still very excited to meet Ellie. I was worried that he would resent her, but he is super psyched and wants her to come out now; we've tried to explain the science of maternity to him, but he doesn't care.

I'll try not to post monologues. I have random thoughts throughout the day. Things I need to do, goofy things that pop in my mind. I'll post them.