God (this is a long one)

For many, many years I was brought up to Christian. I knew what right from wrong was. I knew Jesus died for my sins. I remember moments in my life where I accepted Jesus as my savior.

I also remember when I first lost my faith. And after finding it again, lost it yet again. That time, for good. And as I get older, I find that as much as I want to believe - the way I did as a child, I am more sure of the fact that there is no one being out in the universe who is guiding us, helping us. I really believe that if there was this being out there that had control over so much, that he or she or it would not let such horrific things happen to good people. To children. To the innocent. Someone once told me that maybe God got the universe started and then took his/her hands out of it. Allowed nature to take it's course. And while I was a Christian that excuse comforted me because it meant that someone wasn't out there picking and choosing who would get the lucky life.

The Christian in me is scared to death of being wrong about the afterlife.... of there being a God who will banish me from heaven, from my family, from happiness, because I didn't believe in him/her. There are so many different religions. And so many that say "either our way or you are doomed to roam hell for all eternity." That is too many people who are roaming hell for all eternity out there with many more to come. Many of them are good people who are just trying to do the right thing in their daily lives.

I still pray to my god. I still make deals with my god. I am sure there are plenty of people in the world who would be willing to make a bargain if it were possible. I have been given many blessings, with not nearly as many bad experiences as others. And when I think of how arrogant I can be, how ungrateful I can be, I feel extremely undeserving of those blessings. Why was I given this life? Why can't someone else be given the goodness they so deserve? Is part of it the perspective you keep?

This is the part where we talk about science and probability, and sociology and psychology. How we have created the world we live in by our behavior. How science effects how our planet functions, including how we have treated (and abused) our planet. Everyone in the world effects everyone else, whether it be directly or through a chain reaction. And science allows us to make educated guesses on how things are going to happen. That's what I believe.

I have rambled. But tonight, I go to bed thinking that if there was that god out there, I would be feeling a little pissy at him/her. Not for myself. But for all the people who are deserving of happiness and safety. The children who deserve to be loved and fed and sheltered. The shitty people who just keep on being shitty with very little consequence.

I don't advertise my beliefs to everyone; my kids don't even know (too confusing at this age). I am vocal to the people who know. I have a lot of religious friends who I respect. I admire their faith in someone greater than this earth. That little girl in me is worried that I will be looked down on or defriended for being a non-believer. But when the push comes to shove, I cannot make that leap of faith. And to try to pretend I do believe, would not be right with me. But trust me, I would love to believe in an afterlife; ceasing to exist after dying does not soothe me at all.