Today, I ended up with my two least favorite nurses. Nurse #1 talks to me like a child. I even got a pout the first time a met her.The day that I found out I was staying here for another 8 weeks, she was bragging about all her grandchildren that are coming in her happy little life. I wanted to punch her in the face. I know, she should be allowed to, but that day, I felt pissed to not have a normal pregnancy.
Nurse #2 usually only works until 11pm, so she refuses to give me my ambien (to help me sleep) until 11pm. Problem is I sleep pretty much all morning, I miss lunch and sleep a little bit of the afternoon away. It sucks, and it makes me feel depressed. She believes that because the 11pm staff need to do my vitals, she doesn't want me to have to be woken up. Why she can't take my vitals or why I can't be woken up (which, most likely, I will still be awake waiting for the ambien to kick in) I don't know. She doesn't believe me when I tell her that I stay awake for a couple of hours after taking it. So today I avoided falling asleep at all so maybe I won't need the ambien tonight. Oh yeah, and today she reminded me to order dinner. Yeah, I am not a kid.
I am sure both of these nurses are being nice, but they just annoy me. Everyone else seems to be mindful of me being a hormonal woman who is trapped in a hospital bed away from her family for a long period of time.... and ready to lose her mind if she is pushed too hard.
Two general comments for anyone who wants to avoid me going off:
Don't talk to me as if I am not making this child the first priority by telling me how to lay, or what to eat or drink, or worrying I won't take my meds. Seriously. I will start swinging.
Don't just open my door. Knock first, and maybe wait until I say COME IN. The only people in my life who are allowed to walk in are the people I live with everyday.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Saturdays with the Rogers
The boys and I are chatting on the computer. Love video calling. But all I want to do is go home.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Dinner with the boys
Am i glad my husband is a computer nerd. Not only do I find the computer geek persona sexy, but he also has set me up with a webcam so I can talk to him and Jack. Here is what our dinner looked like tonight.
My cheesy eggs were a little crispy on the outside spongy on the inside. The biscuits were pretty good. But the boys looked like they enjoyed their Rosati's pizza. I enjoyed not wondering if food was going to be spilled, how long I had with the boys, wondering if Jack was going to be able to enjoy his evening. I got to watch Jack play and laugh and have fun in the comfort of his home, and Nick be able to relax and get stuff done before bedtime. It was good.
My OCD List
Things I would love to work on now that's it's spring and knowing that once Ellie is here, I will be busy and tired in the beginning:
Reorganize the garage - maybe add some hanging shelves to make more room on the floor.
Get the baby room ready and get the baby stuff out of the storage.
Reorganize the storage room.
Mulch the garden beds.
But first, weed the garden beds and remove the dead parts of the perennials.
Put a patio table on the back porch.
Plant in the little garden Jack and I started last year.
Purge/donate some thing that haven't been used in over a year.
Replace Jack's curtains and furniture so there is only three main colors in his room. Green, white and black.
Replace the blinds in the house. We got an estimate from the Blind Man, and man is it expensive.
Get a proper haircut, manicure and pedicure.
Scrapbook 4 years worth of stuff.
Paint the light behind the garage brown - it's the only one left.
Figure out which toys Jack doesn't play with anymore. Put those away to make room for the baby stuff.
Go shopping for Jack's birthday supplies.
Anyone want to help me with me OCD, let me know. ;) Honestly, it makes me feel a little less anxious just putting the list out there.
Reorganize the garage - maybe add some hanging shelves to make more room on the floor.
Get the baby room ready and get the baby stuff out of the storage.
Reorganize the storage room.
Mulch the garden beds.
But first, weed the garden beds and remove the dead parts of the perennials.
Put a patio table on the back porch.
Plant in the little garden Jack and I started last year.
Purge/donate some thing that haven't been used in over a year.
Replace Jack's curtains and furniture so there is only three main colors in his room. Green, white and black.
Replace the blinds in the house. We got an estimate from the Blind Man, and man is it expensive.
Get a proper haircut, manicure and pedicure.
Scrapbook 4 years worth of stuff.
Paint the light behind the garage brown - it's the only one left.
Figure out which toys Jack doesn't play with anymore. Put those away to make room for the baby stuff.
Go shopping for Jack's birthday supplies.
Anyone want to help me with me OCD, let me know. ;) Honestly, it makes me feel a little less anxious just putting the list out there.
The food lady
The dietician was in this morning. She asked me about my weight and my appetite. She asked if they were weighing me daily. It was really good times. I wanted to tell her to stuff it in the nicest way possible.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Tonight's report
Here are a few thoughts for the night:
1. We really can't do dinners here. Nick is tormented (although he won't say so) by picking up food, driving here, getting into the labor/delivery unit (he waited 15 minutes outside the door) and keeping a child from spilling food/drink. I am tormented by his torment. It's easier to each separate. And that will have to be ok with me.
2. My parents will never understand that the are not only a great help but also a great stress factor. I had 3 contractions while on the phone with them tonight.
3. I plan on stuffing my face with oreos. As one of the nurses joked, "Food is all you have control over right now."
4. Based on a rule from Kelly and Neil, I am allowed 24 hours of suckage. I have used up about 8 of those. Can I save the other hours for a different day, or is it a use it or lose it thing?
1. We really can't do dinners here. Nick is tormented (although he won't say so) by picking up food, driving here, getting into the labor/delivery unit (he waited 15 minutes outside the door) and keeping a child from spilling food/drink. I am tormented by his torment. It's easier to each separate. And that will have to be ok with me.
2. My parents will never understand that the are not only a great help but also a great stress factor. I had 3 contractions while on the phone with them tonight.
3. I plan on stuffing my face with oreos. As one of the nurses joked, "Food is all you have control over right now."
4. Based on a rule from Kelly and Neil, I am allowed 24 hours of suckage. I have used up about 8 of those. Can I save the other hours for a different day, or is it a use it or lose it thing?
Bedrest Day 51
I was originally going to call the blog, "the father, the son, and the incompetent cervix" but my sister suggested the mother and daughter - because really it's the two of us stuck here together.
Day 51 of bedrest. Today sucks. But I'm starting not to feel sad like I did earlier. I don't feel sorry for myself. I just feel kinda pissy and scared. Pissy because I want to be with my boys. Pissy that I can't have a normal pregnancy. Pissy that I can't nest and make things in my house just so. Pissy because I have no control over anything accept for what side of my body I lay on. And scared that something will happen to Ellie. I want so much to make her a given for our future, but I am scared to believe that she won't be, and I will have to deal with the loss of a child.
Nick rocks. He is a trooper and a great dad. I realize that his role has come to be because of a choice we both made, but it is still hard. He's single parenting it, working, dealing with a wife who is emotional and hormonal and demanding daily diet cokes. And he stays patient and calm and loving. He's running his ship tight, so if he doesn't accept help from others, it's because he has things just the way he can handle them.
Jack rocks. Besides a few normal emotional moments, the kid is a rock star. He is having fun at school and at Miss Kelly's house, who, besides Nick, he spends most of his time with. He's taking the initiative to stuff on his own. I feel like I'm missing out on so much with him. People say this is only for a short time, but they also say that those 18 years with your kids go by fast, too. So, that is why I don't want to miss out. I am happy to say that he is still very excited to meet Ellie. I was worried that he would resent her, but he is super psyched and wants her to come out now; we've tried to explain the science of maternity to him, but he doesn't care.
I'll try not to post monologues. I have random thoughts throughout the day. Things I need to do, goofy things that pop in my mind. I'll post them.
Day 51 of bedrest. Today sucks. But I'm starting not to feel sad like I did earlier. I don't feel sorry for myself. I just feel kinda pissy and scared. Pissy because I want to be with my boys. Pissy that I can't have a normal pregnancy. Pissy that I can't nest and make things in my house just so. Pissy because I have no control over anything accept for what side of my body I lay on. And scared that something will happen to Ellie. I want so much to make her a given for our future, but I am scared to believe that she won't be, and I will have to deal with the loss of a child.
Nick rocks. He is a trooper and a great dad. I realize that his role has come to be because of a choice we both made, but it is still hard. He's single parenting it, working, dealing with a wife who is emotional and hormonal and demanding daily diet cokes. And he stays patient and calm and loving. He's running his ship tight, so if he doesn't accept help from others, it's because he has things just the way he can handle them.
Jack rocks. Besides a few normal emotional moments, the kid is a rock star. He is having fun at school and at Miss Kelly's house, who, besides Nick, he spends most of his time with. He's taking the initiative to stuff on his own. I feel like I'm missing out on so much with him. People say this is only for a short time, but they also say that those 18 years with your kids go by fast, too. So, that is why I don't want to miss out. I am happy to say that he is still very excited to meet Ellie. I was worried that he would resent her, but he is super psyched and wants her to come out now; we've tried to explain the science of maternity to him, but he doesn't care.
I'll try not to post monologues. I have random thoughts throughout the day. Things I need to do, goofy things that pop in my mind. I'll post them.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
I know it's been a long time...
So let's briefly catch up. My kid is rocking school. My husband is still busy with work. My husband and I got busy and made another baby. Any questions?
I'm processing now. You don't have to read. It's more for me than for the readers. This place and running helped me process my grief. Although it's been 6 months and although I am pregnant again, I am still grieving.
I got pregnant about 6 weeks after my miscarriage. My doctor advised us to wait, but we just let things happen. We knew what unprotected sex would lead to, and even after a mature conversation, we still decided to let things be. I honestly didn't believe it would happen so soon. It took 9 months to get pregnant with our miscarried baby. When I found out this time, I was overwhelmed. Scared. The first trimester was spent waiting to lose the baby. Once I got to the second trimester, I felt a little better, but would still hold my breath every morning going to the bathroom to see any sign of loss. Now that I feel the baby move, I pay close attention to the daily movement. I am trying to enjoy it, but the loss of our last baby has made me doubt. If we would lose this child, I imagine that I would be finished expanding out family. The heartbreak of losing two children would be almost unbearable.
I have never replaced the baby I lost. I think of him (for lack of not knowing the gender, I will use he) almost daily. This morning, I was in the shower remembering the day that I had my D&C to remove the dead fetus. I remember the fact that somewhere my fetus was buried nearby Provena Hospital. And I was thinking that it was only 6 weeks conceived when it died, even though in my mind it made it to 10 weeks. I barely knew him, but he was my child. I felt very confused this morning because without the loss of our last child, our Bub, we would not have our baby now. I don't cry anymore, but I still feel the sadness.
Curious J renamed this baby Bathtub Bub. He was explaining to his grandma that we have two Bubs. One is with "God" and died. The other one is in my belly. It's hard to not think about Bub; my child uses some form of the name to identify the new baby. I fought the name change at first, for selfish reasons. There was only one Bub to me. But I'm the grownup and needed to deal with my issues. I needed to help J cope with all the change. If that meant changing the name to what he liked, than that was it.
Ok. I'm done for now. I needed to "say" it, whether there is an audience or not. I miss you Bub. And please body, god, the universe, science, or whoever else I should "pray" to, please let this baby be healthy and live.
I'm processing now. You don't have to read. It's more for me than for the readers. This place and running helped me process my grief. Although it's been 6 months and although I am pregnant again, I am still grieving.
I got pregnant about 6 weeks after my miscarriage. My doctor advised us to wait, but we just let things happen. We knew what unprotected sex would lead to, and even after a mature conversation, we still decided to let things be. I honestly didn't believe it would happen so soon. It took 9 months to get pregnant with our miscarried baby. When I found out this time, I was overwhelmed. Scared. The first trimester was spent waiting to lose the baby. Once I got to the second trimester, I felt a little better, but would still hold my breath every morning going to the bathroom to see any sign of loss. Now that I feel the baby move, I pay close attention to the daily movement. I am trying to enjoy it, but the loss of our last baby has made me doubt. If we would lose this child, I imagine that I would be finished expanding out family. The heartbreak of losing two children would be almost unbearable.
I have never replaced the baby I lost. I think of him (for lack of not knowing the gender, I will use he) almost daily. This morning, I was in the shower remembering the day that I had my D&C to remove the dead fetus. I remember the fact that somewhere my fetus was buried nearby Provena Hospital. And I was thinking that it was only 6 weeks conceived when it died, even though in my mind it made it to 10 weeks. I barely knew him, but he was my child. I felt very confused this morning because without the loss of our last child, our Bub, we would not have our baby now. I don't cry anymore, but I still feel the sadness.
Curious J renamed this baby Bathtub Bub. He was explaining to his grandma that we have two Bubs. One is with "God" and died. The other one is in my belly. It's hard to not think about Bub; my child uses some form of the name to identify the new baby. I fought the name change at first, for selfish reasons. There was only one Bub to me. But I'm the grownup and needed to deal with my issues. I needed to help J cope with all the change. If that meant changing the name to what he liked, than that was it.
Ok. I'm done for now. I needed to "say" it, whether there is an audience or not. I miss you Bub. And please body, god, the universe, science, or whoever else I should "pray" to, please let this baby be healthy and live.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Three Weeks
Just a quick blog then I'm off to bed. Today marks three weeks since I was told we lost our baby. I am doing ok. I had a playdate today. I went to dinner with friends and our kids. It was nice. And I didn't feel as sad (for myself) seeing babies, pregnant ladies, or multiple children families. Does this mean I'm going into acceptance already?
I still get sad. I had a really big cry on the way home from exercising on Saturday. The gym is my place to think about Bub. When I start feeling the burn from the running, I start thinking about the burn in my heart. The physical part of me healed so quickly after the DandC and that bothered me. Now I have a physical pain makes my heart feel better.
I don't feel depressed (thank you prozac). But I still feel pissed watching parents treat their kids shitty (and I mean shitty); I get angry that they are allowed to be parents when there are people out there who would be good parents who don't get to have kids.
I don't cry every time I talk about the miscarriage.
We'll just have to keep on moving one foot in front of the other.
Now I just won't sleep because of the article I just read about the 5 person family who got shot by an intruder and the article that said a man shot two intruders as self-defense. All in the local Illinois area. There are such things as monsters, they just look human. (I won't be telling J about these people yet).
New day. Week 2, run 2 tomorrow. Feel the burn.
Oh and I'm getting a root canal on my birthday. Totally by choice. People don't need to say poor thing. Seriously, this is nothing compared to the beginning of the month. And most likely it was be easy; it's not like the pain i went through last summer with this tooth. Just do me one favor, please don't send me a birthday card that says "I'm sorry you lost your baby." While I appreciate the though, it really sucks to be told happy birthday and my condolences in the same card.
ok, now I'm done.
I still get sad. I had a really big cry on the way home from exercising on Saturday. The gym is my place to think about Bub. When I start feeling the burn from the running, I start thinking about the burn in my heart. The physical part of me healed so quickly after the DandC and that bothered me. Now I have a physical pain makes my heart feel better.
I don't feel depressed (thank you prozac). But I still feel pissed watching parents treat their kids shitty (and I mean shitty); I get angry that they are allowed to be parents when there are people out there who would be good parents who don't get to have kids.
I don't cry every time I talk about the miscarriage.
We'll just have to keep on moving one foot in front of the other.
Now I just won't sleep because of the article I just read about the 5 person family who got shot by an intruder and the article that said a man shot two intruders as self-defense. All in the local Illinois area. There are such things as monsters, they just look human. (I won't be telling J about these people yet).
New day. Week 2, run 2 tomorrow. Feel the burn.
Oh and I'm getting a root canal on my birthday. Totally by choice. People don't need to say poor thing. Seriously, this is nothing compared to the beginning of the month. And most likely it was be easy; it's not like the pain i went through last summer with this tooth. Just do me one favor, please don't send me a birthday card that says "I'm sorry you lost your baby." While I appreciate the though, it really sucks to be told happy birthday and my condolences in the same card.
ok, now I'm done.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Update
Haven't blogged in a bit. More like haven't written my thoughts down, mostly for myself to process what I'm thinking. Things have gotten better over the last week. I don't cry all the time. I don't cry very often actually. But I feel like I am just so-so a lot of the time. I started exercising this week. I did the C25K, which a lot of friend seem to be doing, and made it to W1D2 today. I kinda get sad when I exercise. Probably because I know I can now. But I like being alone and somewhat sad/angry by myself because the rest of the day, I need to put on a happy face for my little kid. And it's easy sometimes to do that because he's a funny little dude who really makes me happy to be around.
Preschool isn't going as smoothly as I had hoped. The teach talked to us on Tuesday saying that J just isn't... progressing in that particulat classroom. He's been upset a couple of times in the past two weeks. He's been looking for me. He won't explore or play with other kids. They think it's because he's the youngest and the shortest. It broke my heart when she had the conversation with me. Not because he has disappointed me, because that would take horrible acts to make me disappointed in him. It's because he's struggling, and I didn't prepare him as much as I could have; I should have prepared him more. I should have taken him out more. And with everything going on with us right now, it hurts more to see him hurt. Not just that, with me being even less social, how am I suppose to help him be more social? So we have moved to the 2-3 year classroom where there are a number of kids who have birthdays around his (and then a bunch of 2 year olds). It was an easy decision to make because all I could think about was his happiness and confidence.
Tomorrow is when I would have reached my 13 weeks, my second trimester. We had an ultrasound scheduled for tomorrow; we would have seen our baby.
And hopefully my very understanding friends will read this part. I have shut a lot of people out. I make comments on facebook, but that's easy. I don't have to look at people's faces and deal with the face to face factors. Typing is so much easier than conversations. But how do I not add Bub into my conversations? And how do I deal with the pain if I do bring him up or see a baby or something that remind me of him. I am struggling with getting back on the social horse, which I wasn't that fantastic to begin with. Give me a little bit more time. I'm trying. I do miss you guys. I miss karaoke and potlucks. I miss lunches at Culvers.
Preschool isn't going as smoothly as I had hoped. The teach talked to us on Tuesday saying that J just isn't... progressing in that particulat classroom. He's been upset a couple of times in the past two weeks. He's been looking for me. He won't explore or play with other kids. They think it's because he's the youngest and the shortest. It broke my heart when she had the conversation with me. Not because he has disappointed me, because that would take horrible acts to make me disappointed in him. It's because he's struggling, and I didn't prepare him as much as I could have; I should have prepared him more. I should have taken him out more. And with everything going on with us right now, it hurts more to see him hurt. Not just that, with me being even less social, how am I suppose to help him be more social? So we have moved to the 2-3 year classroom where there are a number of kids who have birthdays around his (and then a bunch of 2 year olds). It was an easy decision to make because all I could think about was his happiness and confidence.
Tomorrow is when I would have reached my 13 weeks, my second trimester. We had an ultrasound scheduled for tomorrow; we would have seen our baby.
And hopefully my very understanding friends will read this part. I have shut a lot of people out. I make comments on facebook, but that's easy. I don't have to look at people's faces and deal with the face to face factors. Typing is so much easier than conversations. But how do I not add Bub into my conversations? And how do I deal with the pain if I do bring him up or see a baby or something that remind me of him. I am struggling with getting back on the social horse, which I wasn't that fantastic to begin with. Give me a little bit more time. I'm trying. I do miss you guys. I miss karaoke and potlucks. I miss lunches at Culvers.
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