Feeling a little vulnerable

Blue Eyes had surgery on her eyes yesterday. It was successful and while the first post-op wakeup was extrememly unpleasant, BE did amazingly well after that. She at my brownie when we got home but her right eye has more bright red blood in it... like someone punched her in the eye during one of her baby fight club matches. Her eyes are not matched up yet. Instead they have done the opposite and are cross eyed. Our doc said this is normal and it will take a couple of months for consistent normal vision.

I really struggled looking at her after surgery. It could have been from feeling guilty of putting her through the surgery only for her eyes to look worse afterwards. It would have been the anxiety that was built up to this day. It could have been worry that it may make things worse not better. I don't know. But when we got home, Curious J did not want to look at her or be in the same room as her. Fortunately, I am married to a very calm man who worked with J through his emotions. By dinner J was eating at the same table with her. Had I been the only parent handling his emotions he probably would still be hiding from BE.

I remembered what Quigs told me when I went on bedrest. I can feel bad/sorry for myself (and in this case, sorry for BE) for the first 24 hours, but after that, no more feeling sorry. And the funny thing was it actually worked for me (mind you, it does not work the same on a 5 year old). Today, I feel fine. A good nights sleep, a happy baby... I had readjusted my thinking. J is back to his normal self, too.

But sometimes when stuff is going on in my life, and I find that stuff is going on in other peoples lives around me, I feel blue, for lack of a better word. For me, there is no rhyme or reason to why things happen to people... why people die, pets die, people get sick with awful diseases, etc. I can't turn to faith to feel better. Instead it reiterates to me that "no one" is out there controling the universe, because if they were there, then I would instead be pissed as hell at him or her.

And so tonight, I send out positive, healing thoughts and energy to friends, acquaintances, and strangers who are feeling the stress of hard part of life. And hope that helps.

Stealing other people's work

It's been one of those days. I had a friend forward me this video at the end of the day. Made me cry with laughter. If you need a pick me up, feel free to watch. Enjoy.

http://minnesota.publicradio.org/display/web/2010/04/06/wits-sweeney/

Summer Lovin', Lovin' Summer.

So, I usually hate summer, but things feel different this year. I want to get out and enjoy the company of others and the sunlit sky later in the day. Since Curious J and I have made some new friends over the last two years from school, we are having fun meeting up with people.

So far, here is what we have done since Tuesday:
1. Played at the park.
2. Attend a party hosted by a family from preschool.
3. Gone bowling with a friend.

For some of you, this is a normal week, but for us, this is craziness. I'm sure things will die down next week.

Enough talk, here are cute pictures.

Blue Eyes Update

So on Thursday we headed to the St. Louis Children's Hospital to get a second opinion on BE's eye condition, intermittent exotropia. Curious J was able to spend some quality time with the grandparents while we took E to the doctor. From what I understand, LEGOs were involved; so it had to be a good time.

Anyway, here is what we learned: BE's condition only has one option at this point. Surgery. We knew there was a good possibility this was going to happen, but we wanted to try a non-surgical treatment that might have helped before we jumped into surgery. However, the glasses she has did not help. She is only slightly farsighted within the normal range for her age, and so the doctor told us that it was pretty pointless to continue the glasses. We are hoping this is the only surgery she will need, but there is a 20-25% chance that she will need more than one operation. Fingers crossed she is in the 75-80% range.

On June 17, we will be going to St. Louis. From what my teeny tiny non-medical mind understands, they are going to be tighting one of the eye muscles so that it has to work with the other eye and not stay where it is and shut off. I don't really understand how they will pick which eye to operate on, but I trust that this is not the first time they have done this. I saw plenty of kids in the office that day who were the same or similar age as BE. And that is different than our first opinion. While we had no complaints about him, he did not seem to see as many children with more complicated optical issues.

It is out patient surgery - very low risk procedure. I am a little nervous about how she will respond to the anisthetic since it is her first time under the stuff. But I am a lot nervous about the fact that she is not allowed to eat after a certain time of night. This girl eats when she is hungry and when others are eating; she will not sit or play quietly until food is given to her.

The grandfolks are being kind enough to let us stay with them for two nights. We need to be there the day before and then we will leave the day after her surgery, as long as all is fine and good. The grandfolks, all four of them, are also watching J all day while we take BE there. It is fortunate that we have great parents so willing to help out and are close to where we are going.

So much to catch up on

Since Tuesday of this week, Curious J has been sick with a fever. No symptoms like vomiting or runny nose. Just fever, exhaustion, loss of appetite. So we have been out of school since Tuesday. Man, do I really need him to get well. He and BDR went to Convenient Care on Tuesday evening and then again today to followup about the fever. Here is where I mention that BDR has an irrational fear of menigitis. It really is irrational. But if this is really the only thing that he has, I can't really complain. Fortunately, J got to see his very best friend, Batboy, before he was quarantined. The bad news is we exposed Batboy to our illness. So far, no word on illness.

Now as for Little Miss Blue Eyes, she has been making more amazing strides on the development front. She can now sit up and kneel tall in her bed. So on Tuesday, she graduated to a lower crib status. She is getting those two top front teeth finally.

However, BE has been taking off her glasses almost everytime they are put on her now. Sigh. Her eyes have not shown improvement, even when she was wearing the glasses everyday. So, I have contacted my insurance company and the St. Louis Children's Hospital to get a second opinion. It's likely that her next step is surgery, and if it is, I want a highly recommended second opinion that happens to be tied to an excellent hospital. One of the teacher's at J's school took her son to this doctor and had wonderful things to say.

And in case she needs more stuff on her plate, BE has been having these staring episodes. She also has been grabbing her right eye and the back of her head since I can remember. After talking with her d.t., I set up an appointment with her pediatrician. While she is not concerned for immediate action she would like to get an EEG (to monitor brain activity). She has referred us to a pediatric neurologist in Springfield, and she also wants me to talk to the pediatric ophthamologist we are meeting with on Thursday in St. Louis to see if it is related to her eye issues. I really want all this to be as resolved as quickly possible so she can start feeling even better than she already is. We have made huge strides, but there is more to resolve. Think of us as we go to the doc on Thursday. Friday is her pediatric gastroenterologist appointment in Springfield. And then Jack's birthday is that weekend.

It's going to be a crazy few days. It is not the Rogers' way. ;P

What a mother of a day.

Today's sentiment is beautiful. Appreciate your mother. For some of us who are a little bit shitty to our mothers, it is a good reminder to thank them for the sacrifices they have made and gifts they have given to us. To note, I have a mother who is so super loving that sometimes I feel smothered. But, and this is a huge but, this woman would do almost anything for me. She has my back. And I think the reason she does what she does is because she loves us so much that she would rather take any pain we experience away. This includes making suggestions, calling all the time... you get the idea. I love you, too, mom.

But today makes me sad. It reminds me of my loss as a mother. And because of that loss, I feel much more aware of the pain that this day may bring to others. As some celebrate, others are reminded of their loss, or their struggles to grow a child in their bodies or adopt a child. Some are looking at the clock wondering when their lives will line up just right, so that they can experience motherhood themselves. I am thinking of them today. I would love for them to get exactly what they want. I know that is not possible for everyone, so I hope they find peace and joy in their lives.

I love my kids. I love my husband. This job is hard, but I don't ever want to know life without it.

My last post

So I did say it was good news that two "evil" people were dead. May I say in no way did I delight in their deaths. I didn't woot and hollar. I felt not much, actually. A man who is considered a harm to people was exterminated. My kid heard me talking to a friend who asked my opinion on it. I tried to explain that while we do not rejoice in the death of others, it is sometimes necessary. Yeah, good times.

So that's it. Just to clarify. I'm glad we discussed it.

Of course, having these kind of discussions makes you really reevaluate how you describe good and bad to your children. Kids think in black and white. You have to descibe things that way in the beginning. But the truth is, nothing is in black and white. We have all done good things and bad things. At what point does a good person end and an evil person begins? How much bad does someone have to do? Don't look at me, I don't have the answer.

It's been a weekend

So, a lot has happened this weekend. I'm more of a list girl. So we'll start with the lists. Then we will paragraph the rest.

Good news:
*Bin Laden is killed. (May I say, it does feel weird wishing people dead.)
*My former boss opened up her own store and non-profit organization.
*Several friends accomplished their first 5K and half marathons.

Bad news:
*A shooting at our local mall.
*A shooting in Decatur leaving an 18 year old dead, and 2 suspects on the run armed and dangerous.

Pesonal Good news:
*BE has started to crawl. :) She's not a crazy maniac yet, but she is starting to get around.
*BE has started to feed herself. Thank you to my friend who gave us large rice wafers that totally interested BE to do it. :)
*While J did not pass swim class, he made amazing accomplishments. He learned how to put part of his face in the water (small steps); he learned how to paddle. He got dropped off a diving board (and caught) and loved it. He swam in the deep end of a pool with one of those tubes tied around his waist. I know it sounds like little accomplishments. But for a boy who, 8 weeks ago, refused to do any water activities during swim lessons...dude, he rocks. (I'd like to think my bribery of cookies helped - hah!)

We are super proud of the work our kids have been doing. While I would love to totally claim credit for these personal accomplishments, the truth is that we were lucky to have some pretty amazing people in our kids' lives. We had a favorite swim teacher that made J feel safe. We have two amazing therapists that help BE with her gross motor and fine motor skills.

My quick rant: Up until yesterday, I felt no strangeness in my daughter having glasses. However, a little girl pointed at her at the aquatic center. The child did not bother me because that is what little kids do, but the mother who told her daughter "it's not nice to point" is the one who did. Suddenly, E having glasses was freakish - something not to point at. We are all different. Different is the new normal. ;) I am totally comfortable with people asking questions. I feel like it's a great way to educate people about optical problems in babies. I have no problem with the kids at school pointing out that our baby has glasses. But I just wish that mom at that pool might have said something along the lines of "the little baby needs the glasses so she can see better."

Holy Shit, Batman!

Yes, you heard me. I said shit. Because that has been the theme of my day. In the last 24 hours I have been been "puked on" with phlem, had a wet bed, a fever-ridden/crying boy, a coughing (nay, hacking) husband, and a major poosposion that occured minutes before BE's therapist arrived.

That's the major shit part. It was on her back, on her hands, on her feet, on the floor... Everywhere. And it wasn't the nice easy to clean kind. Oh no, it was the liquidy kind that took five million wipes. And then the smell would not go away. The poor therapist. BE was clean, but still, there was no time for a bath. So in my mind, not completely clean.

Today, BE's therapist decided to be more hands off today to see how much she has progressed. But I think it was because she didn't want to have shit residue on her. They do not pay these awesome people enough for all the shit they have to put up with.

Hah. Ok, I'm done now.

Gender Wars

Okay, that's a little extreme. But if you talk to Curious J, he has a thing for it being just boys. And so, he got exactly what he wanted: a boys weekend to his grandparents house. He was spoiled with cookies and toys and pizza and popcorn. And that is how the grandparents in our family work.

The ladies stayed here. :) We didn't have to travel and sit in a rocking chair all night at the grandparents. We were able to take naps and go for quick cars rides for soda. We (ok, me) organized the house some. Sadly the weather was crap yesterday or else we would have enjoyed some outside time. But it was still a fun-filled, laid back weekend.

There was very little crying and fussing. I felt less stress. I didn't feel rushed. I loved not having to consult the whole family for the plan. It made me realize that it isn't all about it being just the temparment of the second kid. It's the function of the family. And when things are calm, I can have some pretty laid back and fun experience with BE. That made me extremely happy.