So not fair

BDR has never had to do a poop on the potty before. I have handled every single one of them. I also get to do the double high fives and the giving of the potty reward, which is fun. Now that Curious J doesn't poop in my hand or on the carpet (like the first couple times with no diaper), I really don't mind. But I don't want him to miss out on this American experience. ;)

On a side note, I exercised for the first time in at least two weeks - my third time since finding out I was pregnant. so far, no spotting issues today, as it is usually is the case when I exercise or do hard labor. Keep your fingers crossed.

We're going to make breakfast for dinner, so I better go set things up.

My amusing day so far.

Today has started well for Curious J and me. He woke up with a dry pull-up, he used the potty and has had a dry underwear all day. I have asked but not made him go. I was surprised to find that he held his bladder for almost 3 hours after drinking OJ and AJ. I sometimes underestimate his ability to know himself.

J has been in a fun mood today. He wanted to play chase. I did not want to play chase. But I did it anyway because I have been feeling like a very neglectful parents (not really neglectful, just not playing with him like I should). I had a great time playing chase and felt more awake. We built a new train track, which for me is always fun! Then he told me I broke my sink, so he took his toolkit and hammered the tap while I cleaned up the carpet from his cheeto experience the day before. Then he fixed my front door and my side table door. Really stellar work.

Update at 7pm: Curious J has pooped 3 times on the potty today and has continue to be dry. AWESOME progress.

The conversation

I know only a few of my friends read my blog, most of you guys know what's going in my life. Needless to say, we had a very serious conversation with Curious J yesterday afternoon. Here's a basic lowdown of how it went.

M: We are going to have a baby.

J: A baby? In mama's belly? ... Does it come out there? (He points to my mouth.)

M: No.

J: Does it come out there? (He points to my head.)

M: No. You know how you and daddy have penises, well mommy has a place that is where the baby comes out.

J: I have a baby in my penis.

M: No, just mommy.

J: No I do. I have a baby in my penis.

M: ok.

Then we let him nickname the sibling to which he said something like "buh". I said Bub or Bug? He said Bub. The nickname has been chosen. J will most likely not me choosing the real name.

On a mission

I am on a mission this spring/summer to get a lot of things done around the house. You never know when I might have to go on hiatus from being OCD. I haven't done everything myself, but it still got finished. I have slowed down in the last couple of weeks.

Trees in the backyard (SHADE!)
Removal of shrubs in the front yard (on my to do list for a few years now)
Added a few plants to the gardens
Painted light fixtures to match the house shutters
Removal of tall grass that too close to the air conditioner
Grew a few vegetables in the garden
Bordered the garden area in the backyard
Organized the first floor closet
Cleaned the dishwasher, disposal, and washer (damn mineral buildup)


Cleaned the kitchen cabinets
Cleaned out and reorganized the garage


Things I haven't done or need to get finished:
Mulched (not getting finished this year)
Paint Jack's new room (needs to get finished this year)
Paint Jack's old room (TBD)
Planted a small tree in the front (where the shrubs use to be)
RE-reorganize basement storage
Get rid of the stuff sitting in my dining room
Search for more stuff to purge

I'm still here, take 2...

We had a lovely vacation. I am thankful for my two boys. However, I am not dealing with a few things very well lately. One example is gaining weight; and of course, when I am stressed I eat more. But it feels pointless to work hard on losing weight if I'm trying to get pregnant, but if I can't get pregnant, then I just feel fat (yes, Quigs, I said fat). Another issue is out gazebo that is not yet 1 month old and has a collapsed roof - and the stupid customer service issues from the store from which I bought it (SEARS). Vicious cycles of frustration and unhealthy thoughts.

Needless to say, I am coping. And since my life is good and it could be far worse (cause Angelina Jolie told me some sad stories of people with amazing attitudes), I feel guilty for complaining, which of course leads to more unhealthy thoughts.

So let's talk about good things.
Curious J started summer camp last week. He is doing great! :) So proud of him.
Curious J is making new friends - or at least socializing with others (without the aid of his parents) of his own accord. :)
My Curious J no longer uses pacifiers at bedtime. While J is still learning to deal with putting himself to sleep sans pacifier, he is doing very well.
My high school 15 year reunion is this coming weekend. I have a pretty dress that Loosey helped me pick out. :) (and I have purple nailpolish to match.)
Like I said, we had a great family vacation. Seriously, looking for a vacation, go to the Great Wold Lodge in Wisconsin Dells. Very kid friendly.
Even though J had a pretty rough cold for a few days, I have a healthy kid and I am very thankful for that.
My friend, (we'll call her) Roomie, is coming to visit me in a week and we're going out sans kid.
BDR and I might get to go to the movies this weekend if the grandfolks are okay with watching J.
I had a blast with my friends at a BBQ last week.
I have a small group of friends that I realized I rely on for socialization. And I like them very much! :)
I have a couple of hours each day to myself for 3 weeks this summer (although one week is already passed - but I still had). I have been using it to exercise.
I have a good husband. Yes, he drives me crazy (like I drive him crazy) but he is a constant that is not just there for convenience. I love having him there next to me.

Okay, I'm ready to pass out. Night!

"Just friends"?

So I read celebrity news. And while I don't consider Jon and Kate a celebrity couple, they are on tv, so they make it on the entertainment new sites. I find it very interesting that Jon has been given flak for going out with women who are not his wife. And while he may be having an affair, he may not be. But that leads me to my next thought, have I been out with guy friends? Yes, some of them have been BDR's friends first, some I have worked with. But not for once has BDR worried about me or accused me of being unfaithful. What makes my situation different than Jon's? Why is he not trusted? Why am I trusted? Not just that, but why is being accused when there are plenty of real celebrities that have gone out with friends of the opposite sex and not been accused

And what if you are gay? Does that mean you can only hang out with people of the opposite sex?

See, these social expectation are flawed. And it seems as though it says more about individual relationships than relationships in general.

Dude, I'm tired, so if it doesn't make sense, sorry.

My little three year old

Curious J turned 3 on Friday. We had a lovely and exhausting weekend with family and friends. I am pretty sure J had a great time with all involved, and although he refused to nap he willingly went to bed every night.

J got a lot of great toys. We have played with all of them. However, the one he loves the most is the sand/water table given to him by all his grandparents. He wakes up every morning asking to play with it. Thank the gods of rain. :)

So to my little man. Happy Birthday, chief. I love you. I love getting to know who you are becoming, but I am melancholy that it's going so quickly. I hope you find happiness in this life.

Same old, same old

so my mom and i had this conversation the other day. the same conversation we always have. she makes some kind of a religious comment, i usually make a comment that will provoke the questions she always asks... "what happened?" and i continue to tell her about my issue with hypocracy by others who are suppose to be loving and non-judgmental. that's part of it. (however, as time goes on, i am meeting more and more people who are not those type of people i just described.) the main reason, as i tell her repeatedly, is that i can't say there's a heaven when i die. and after expressing my unknowing of what will happen, she asks me "how do you not know there is a heaven" and then tells me, "well, i know there is a heaven."

i am sure i've probably blogged about it before, and i'll probably continue to every time she and i have the conversation.

a few things

cleaning/organizing is almost as much of a high as a good diet coke/chocolate buzz. next week is the beginning of the annual dump n' run at the local university and i couldn't be more excited. mom would be having a heart attack - makes me feel so proud. ;)

curious j and i bought playdough today and we are now using our construction and farm vehicles to flatten, grind and scoop them. love it!

until today, we have had a lovely time outside. i started making a border around my beds in the backyard. talk about a caffeine buzz. nothing like a sense of accomplishment to make you feel good. maybe that's why i like cleaning. i know some people think i'm obsessive, including myself, but it gives me a goal. and as a stay at home parent, you don't get a lot of completions.

i have been back to exercising thanks to quigs for watching j twice a week for me. this week, i started using the rowing machine and boy to i feel the workout. while i haven't lost any weight, my body is becoming more muscle and i notice the fat around my hips and waist is less. for once in my life, i am satisfied with that result as opposed to weight loss and can't wait to go back to the gym again. yeah.

i still eat crap, but my dessert and portion sizes have gone down. i'm not ready to give up the crap foods i like to eat, but i can control the amount and the frequency. i don't want to force myself to start something i'm not committed to. progress not perfection. (thanks, stuart smalley)

sadly with not eating as much of the stuff i love to eat, i have bumped up the amount of diet coke i drink. this probably contributes to the nausea i have been getting lately since i have probably rotted out my stomach. but unless i get pregnant, i can not ready to give that up either.

speaking of pregnant, we are still in trying mode. last month was a low point for me - too many pregnancy tests and too much of a let down. i realize i sound - obsessive (oh wait, that's who i am), but i have wanted this badly. my friends know not to ask me if i'm knocked up yet (seriously, that is), but acquaintances are asking about a #2 and it makes me feel sad.

however, then i get in panic mode wondering if i would be a good parent to two kids, if i will survive the lack of sleep, how that will effect our relationship with j. i love him and the time we spend as a family is wonderful (you know, most of the time). would the quality of love i give him go down with having a second child? and would that second child get the quality of love he or she deserves?

gods that was a depressing Grey's Anatomy last night. i cried. but it involves death, so you know i'm a sucker right there.

ok. that's it for now. if you don't here from me electronically, it's because i am having computer problems. my power port isn't working very well and i only have about 15 minutes on my battery (fully charged).

peace out, word to your mother.

I'm still here

So yesterday I went to my counselor's office. This time, we talked about the fact that I recently went back up on my antidepressant medication. He asked me questions about if I noticed changes in my mood gradually or all of a sudden. I usually don't notice until I get to a point where I could stay in bed all the time and don't feel motivated to do anything, socially, parentally, or personally. The big indicator is that I start focusing more on morality to a point where it effects my behavior. I thought I was doing better on the lower dosage, but I was wrong. After taking the higher dosage for about a week or so, I have noticed that, while still tired, I get up, dressed and out more, socialize more, and have more quality time with my child.

What does it mean? I have chronic depression. It's not a fluke or an overprescribing from my doctors. It's not just postpartum. I have been on antidepressant medications for 10 years this year. When I went off of them the first time, I was so depressed that I told BDR he needed to divorce me; I felt like he was having to take too much care of me and that wasn't his job. I cried all the time. BDR had to have lunch with me every day because I felt so alone, and even when he did, I still felt alone. And if you think I am OCD now, it was far worse then. That was the one and only time I went off medication. Since then, it's a matter of figuring out dosage for my body.

BDR has always been supportive of me taking medication with out making me feel like a freak. He compares depression to someone with diabetes. You need it to make your body work because it's a chemical issue. And in both situations, you get in a place where you feel really good and you don't think you need your medicine; but if you stop taking it, you body comes crashing down. It's not a just mind over matter thing.

Sometimes, like with my recent med increase, I am reminded that I have a chemical imbalance that makes me depressed, and I will need to take medication for depression for the long haul. It sucks, but it could be worse. And while BDR (and friends for that matter) never makes me feel that way, I feel like weak because I still believe I can teach myself how to not feel depressed. So off to bed I go... and I can't forget to take my medicine.