I know it's been a long time...

So let's briefly catch up. My kid is rocking school. My husband is still busy with work. My husband and I got busy and made another baby. Any questions?

I'm processing now. You don't have to read. It's more for me than for the readers. This place and running helped me process my grief. Although it's been 6 months and although I am pregnant again, I am still grieving.

I got pregnant about 6 weeks after my miscarriage. My doctor advised us to wait, but we just let things happen. We knew what unprotected sex would lead to, and even after a mature conversation, we still decided to let things be. I honestly didn't believe it would happen so soon. It took 9 months to get pregnant with our miscarried baby. When I found out this time, I was overwhelmed. Scared. The first trimester was spent waiting to lose the baby. Once I got to the second trimester, I felt a little better, but would still hold my breath every morning going to the bathroom to see any sign of loss. Now that I feel the baby move, I pay close attention to the daily movement. I am trying to enjoy it, but the loss of our last baby has made me doubt. If we would lose this child, I imagine that I would be finished expanding out family. The heartbreak of losing two children would be almost unbearable.

I have never replaced the baby I lost. I think of him (for lack of not knowing the gender, I will use he) almost daily. This morning, I was in the shower remembering the day that I had my D&C to remove the dead fetus. I remember the fact that somewhere my fetus was buried nearby Provena Hospital. And I was thinking that it was only 6 weeks conceived when it died, even though in my mind it made it to 10 weeks. I barely knew him, but he was my child. I felt very confused this morning because without the loss of our last child, our Bub, we would not have our baby now. I don't cry anymore, but I still feel the sadness.

Curious J renamed this baby Bathtub Bub. He was explaining to his grandma that we have two Bubs. One is with "God" and died. The other one is in my belly. It's hard to not think about Bub; my child uses some form of the name to identify the new baby. I fought the name change at first, for selfish reasons. There was only one Bub to me. But I'm the grownup and needed to deal with my issues. I needed to help J cope with all the change. If that meant changing the name to what he liked, than that was it.

Ok. I'm done for now. I needed to "say" it, whether there is an audience or not. I miss you Bub. And please body, god, the universe, science, or whoever else I should "pray" to, please let this baby be healthy and live.

Three Weeks

Just a quick blog then I'm off to bed. Today marks three weeks since I was told we lost our baby. I am doing ok. I had a playdate today. I went to dinner with friends and our kids. It was nice. And I didn't feel as sad (for myself) seeing babies, pregnant ladies, or multiple children families. Does this mean I'm going into acceptance already?

I still get sad. I had a really big cry on the way home from exercising on Saturday. The gym is my place to think about Bub. When I start feeling the burn from the running, I start thinking about the burn in my heart. The physical part of me healed so quickly after the DandC and that bothered me. Now I have a physical pain makes my heart feel better.

I don't feel depressed (thank you prozac). But I still feel pissed watching parents treat their kids shitty (and I mean shitty); I get angry that they are allowed to be parents when there are people out there who would be good parents who don't get to have kids.

I don't cry every time I talk about the miscarriage.

We'll just have to keep on moving one foot in front of the other.

Now I just won't sleep because of the article I just read about the 5 person family who got shot by an intruder and the article that said a man shot two intruders as self-defense. All in the local Illinois area. There are such things as monsters, they just look human. (I won't be telling J about these people yet).

New day. Week 2, run 2 tomorrow. Feel the burn.

Oh and I'm getting a root canal on my birthday. Totally by choice. People don't need to say poor thing. Seriously, this is nothing compared to the beginning of the month. And most likely it was be easy; it's not like the pain i went through last summer with this tooth. Just do me one favor, please don't send me a birthday card that says "I'm sorry you lost your baby." While I appreciate the though, it really sucks to be told happy birthday and my condolences in the same card.

ok, now I'm done.

Update

Haven't blogged in a bit. More like haven't written my thoughts down, mostly for myself to process what I'm thinking. Things have gotten better over the last week. I don't cry all the time. I don't cry very often actually. But I feel like I am just so-so a lot of the time. I started exercising this week. I did the C25K, which a lot of friend seem to be doing, and made it to W1D2 today. I kinda get sad when I exercise. Probably because I know I can now. But I like being alone and somewhat sad/angry by myself because the rest of the day, I need to put on a happy face for my little kid. And it's easy sometimes to do that because he's a funny little dude who really makes me happy to be around.

Preschool isn't going as smoothly as I had hoped. The teach talked to us on Tuesday saying that J just isn't... progressing in that particulat classroom. He's been upset a couple of times in the past two weeks. He's been looking for me. He won't explore or play with other kids. They think it's because he's the youngest and the shortest. It broke my heart when she had the conversation with me. Not because he has disappointed me, because that would take horrible acts to make me disappointed in him. It's because he's struggling, and I didn't prepare him as much as I could have; I should have prepared him more. I should have taken him out more. And with everything going on with us right now, it hurts more to see him hurt. Not just that, with me being even less social, how am I suppose to help him be more social? So we have moved to the 2-3 year classroom where there are a number of kids who have birthdays around his (and then a bunch of 2 year olds). It was an easy decision to make because all I could think about was his happiness and confidence.

Tomorrow is when I would have reached my 13 weeks, my second trimester. We had an ultrasound scheduled for tomorrow; we would have seen our baby.

And hopefully my very understanding friends will read this part. I have shut a lot of people out. I make comments on facebook, but that's easy. I don't have to look at people's faces and deal with the face to face factors. Typing is so much easier than conversations. But how do I not add Bub into my conversations? And how do I deal with the pain if I do bring him up or see a baby or something that remind me of him. I am struggling with getting back on the social horse, which I wasn't that fantastic to begin with. Give me a little bit more time. I'm trying. I do miss you guys. I miss karaoke and potlucks. I miss lunches at Culvers.

Today

Feeling a little sad today. There were a lot of baby pictures up on facebook - ultrasounds, newborns. It just made me sad; our baby that I was looking forward to meeting is not going to be met. I know this will get easier. I am thrilled for my close friends who are expecting or new parents. I don't want them to be afraid to share with me; I would never want them to experience this sadness for themselves. I want joy for them.

I am managing things better and not feeling sad every minute. I also can't be sad for our little man. His teacher spoke to me yesterday. Yesterday at school he got a boo boo and cried for a long while. Then he asked his teacher if she had a baby in her belly and she said no. She thinks he might still be processing the situation. J seems to talk about Bub almost every day. And my reaction to his comments needs to be one that allows him to feel comfortable to talk to me.

BTW, the visit with the folks went well. My mom worked her ass off to not ask a lot of questions and force any conversations. Props to her. They "spoiled" us a bit. Both sets of parents "spoiled" us. And when I say spoiled, I mean they bought us chocolate covered almonds and provided meals for us. I am confident that I would try to spoil my kid if he went through something similar. I mean, hey, I bought my kid toys right after we lost Bub, so I guess I know exactly how they feel.

Sorry I am bringing all you readers down. This is a place for me to process. Please don't feel the need to say "the right thing". Like I said, this is a place to process.

The next challenge

The next challenge that will be coming to me is Tuesday. The parents. I know they are grieving for me and for themselves, but I am not really wanting to share with them right now. I am struggling because my mom is trying so hard to extract information from me. She has techniques that are only used by the best interrogators. No. The truth is, she is my mom, and it is hard to break out of the cycle of being her "little girl", even if it not what I want. I'm nervous about seeing them. The sadness and pity they will have for me. The wanting to hug me even if I don't feel like it.

I invited my mother-in-law to watch Jack when I had my D&C. She has experienced this before as well. I called my folks for their blessing because I knew they would be disappointed, no matter how much they tried to be supportive. And as their daughter, I still hate their disappointment. And their grieving, too. As a parent, I know that feeling of wanting to comfort your child. But as an adult, I know what I want to do to make it through this.

I've already starting this about other issues of acclimating to normal life. Having sex after a miscarriage, his due date, holidays. Right now, many things are making me think of Bub. Going for a walk, looking at crab grass because I wasn't able to use chemicals on it, drinking caffeine, eating hot dogs,. Shit this sucks.

I don't have post title. It just seems stupid to put one in right now.

I am looking for a fight. You know how they talk about the 5 stages of grief. Besides the depression stage today, I'm in anger right now... not with any friends or family. I'm looking for a fight with strangers who are doing something stupid to other people or to me. I'm hoping to bump into old "friends" who will say something stupid so I can get angry back.

I also spoiled my kid with toys today. He doesn't need anymore; but it felt good for about 10 minutes. I'm getting my highs where I can right now.

Speaking of highs, I'm trying to decide between stuffing my face or not eating anything. It's weird. I know my body is hungry, but I don't FEEL hunger. I either want to starve or stuff my face with crap. I know it doesn't make sense, but right now, I don't make sense.

I gotta give huge praise to BDR. He is taking care of J and J's little fits. He's letting me be weird and not making me feel bad about it. He's letting me make all the decision about this and is being 100% supportive of the choices I make. I have learned that I feel closer to him from this experience.

What a difference a day makes.

I have had all these thoughts today and I need somewhere to put them.

Today was Curious J's first day of preschool. I will remember him eating cream of wheat for his first day's breakfast. I will remember him holding Nick and my hand as we walked into the building. I will remember feeling a little nervous but extremely proud as he walked in and immediately went to the toys, without even looking back to ask where I would be. I will remember picking him up from school and how great of a mood he was in when I picked him up.

I will remember taking J to the library to check out Transformers books. Him getting told by the librarian not to run, which made me giggle a little (but I didn't ignore it).

I will remember that today is the day that I found out Bub was dead. I will remember the feeling of seeing him on the monitor and not moving. I will remember the immediate feeling of remorse. I will remember the kindness that the staff gave to me at that moment of sadness, even though I didn't want them to say anything, but knew they were only trying. I will remember waiting for BDR to get to the office. I will remember how BDR immediately hugged me when he came into the room and asked me if I was alright. I will remember all the people I had to tell and not wanting to hear anything back from them because of the awkwardness of the conversation. I will remember that I immediately knew I wanted a DNC instead of waiting for nature to take it's course. I will remember that I wanted to cut my pregnancy haircut immediately, and did. I will remember the sound of my mother's voice saying "NO" when I called and didn't even have to say the words. I will remember telling Jack about Bub and his reaction being so much more grown-up with his sadness for the loss, his thoughfulness towards BDR and my feelings. I will remember that his reaction broke my heart more than anyone else's.

Finally, I will remember sitting on the couch with BDR after J's bedtime...talking about the day, talking about our sadness, and remembering that while this loss is sad, it is not as great as other losses could be. Having J not only reminds us of our good fortune, but also forces us (in a good way) to move forward and not wallow.

My new topic

So I was going to type about my issues with missing being good at something. But I found out what I was good at. Getting pissy. I was on Facebook before bed, when I read a "friends" status. He is a Christian man (minister, I think) who said that... wait, here's his exact wording:

"is disgusted after seeing a commercial on TV which advertised a dating service specifically for those who are married. The website has links to articles from Oprah Winfrey's website which promote and explain away infidelity and adultery. Amazi...ng. I'm so glad I'm a Christian, and I'm so glad I'm married to a great woman..."

Now, while would also be disgusted by the same kind of advertisement, I am insulted by the insinuation that married Christians don't cheat. While I may not practice any religion, I believe I have a decent moral compass. I have a sense of right from wrong; I try to be ethical; I try to be honest; I try to be trustworthy. It is frustrating to be told that if you do not have a higher power to keep you in line that you are, for lack of a better word, fallen.

Well, I challenge his comment saying that even Christians cheat and that is was more about what kind of moral compass you have and how you truly love your companion. So I didn't go quietly. But again, I was frustrated by another person's comment (who I don't know) who said:

"It is sad that so many people are looking for a justification for sin. Satan takes many forms, uses many people and mediums to accomplish his objectives. We as Christians have to be diligent not bring that into our homes and to teach others God's word. So they can be aware of Satan's devices and resist them. Those of us who have Chritain marriages need to Thank God daily for the blessing and gift of our spouses. I pray daily that He helps me to be the kind of wife He commands and that I can be worthy of my husband"

Well, I guess that means that I have a sucky marriage. And Satan has his hands all over me. Grrrr.

I am not trying to insult my religious friends. Shit, I feel like I do when I do this stuff. But life is not as simple as following words of a book, which may have been inspired by a devine being and written by flawed fallable human beings. Life is not clear cut. It's messy. you try your best at it. But I believe that it's possible for anyone to live a good life, even without a higher power guiding them. And even the "best of them" fall sometimes. Dude, even Jesus got this stuff.

So not fair

BDR has never had to do a poop on the potty before. I have handled every single one of them. I also get to do the double high fives and the giving of the potty reward, which is fun. Now that Curious J doesn't poop in my hand or on the carpet (like the first couple times with no diaper), I really don't mind. But I don't want him to miss out on this American experience. ;)

On a side note, I exercised for the first time in at least two weeks - my third time since finding out I was pregnant. so far, no spotting issues today, as it is usually is the case when I exercise or do hard labor. Keep your fingers crossed.

We're going to make breakfast for dinner, so I better go set things up.

My amusing day so far.

Today has started well for Curious J and me. He woke up with a dry pull-up, he used the potty and has had a dry underwear all day. I have asked but not made him go. I was surprised to find that he held his bladder for almost 3 hours after drinking OJ and AJ. I sometimes underestimate his ability to know himself.

J has been in a fun mood today. He wanted to play chase. I did not want to play chase. But I did it anyway because I have been feeling like a very neglectful parents (not really neglectful, just not playing with him like I should). I had a great time playing chase and felt more awake. We built a new train track, which for me is always fun! Then he told me I broke my sink, so he took his toolkit and hammered the tap while I cleaned up the carpet from his cheeto experience the day before. Then he fixed my front door and my side table door. Really stellar work.

Update at 7pm: Curious J has pooped 3 times on the potty today and has continue to be dry. AWESOME progress.