I think I might be losing my mind tonight. I was lucky enough to have a visitor this morning, but my boys decided (mostly Jack) to stay in their pjs all day. (Something that has not happened in a couple of weeks but well deserved.) As you have read in my earlier post (you did, right? Right?), today was not the ideal nursing staff. Food did not sound appealing tonight. Just liquids. Plus throughout the day, I have had mini panic attacks start happening when I think about the fact that I am stuck in this room. It feels like being trapped in an elevator or a tube - although really, those are worse. It's just psychological. Plus I am having these random thoughts of bad things happening to the boys, as if my being with them will protect them. Shit happens, and I have very little control over anything in this life. Just my choices and my attitude. Yeah, I'll keep telling myself that and taking my meds.
I know, death is a much worse. Being terminally or chronically sick is much worse. Having a sick child is much, much worse. I could find more, they just came to mind first. Nick told me a story yesterday. Jack and Nick were coming to visit me and a woman entered the elevator when they did. Jack pushed the "3" button and the woman pushed the "2" button. Jack turned to the lady and said, "I'm going to see my mom." The lady said, "I'm going to see my son in the ICU."
It's true. I was.
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