a few things

cleaning/organizing is almost as much of a high as a good diet coke/chocolate buzz. next week is the beginning of the annual dump n' run at the local university and i couldn't be more excited. mom would be having a heart attack - makes me feel so proud. ;)

curious j and i bought playdough today and we are now using our construction and farm vehicles to flatten, grind and scoop them. love it!

until today, we have had a lovely time outside. i started making a border around my beds in the backyard. talk about a caffeine buzz. nothing like a sense of accomplishment to make you feel good. maybe that's why i like cleaning. i know some people think i'm obsessive, including myself, but it gives me a goal. and as a stay at home parent, you don't get a lot of completions.

i have been back to exercising thanks to quigs for watching j twice a week for me. this week, i started using the rowing machine and boy to i feel the workout. while i haven't lost any weight, my body is becoming more muscle and i notice the fat around my hips and waist is less. for once in my life, i am satisfied with that result as opposed to weight loss and can't wait to go back to the gym again. yeah.

i still eat crap, but my dessert and portion sizes have gone down. i'm not ready to give up the crap foods i like to eat, but i can control the amount and the frequency. i don't want to force myself to start something i'm not committed to. progress not perfection. (thanks, stuart smalley)

sadly with not eating as much of the stuff i love to eat, i have bumped up the amount of diet coke i drink. this probably contributes to the nausea i have been getting lately since i have probably rotted out my stomach. but unless i get pregnant, i can not ready to give that up either.

speaking of pregnant, we are still in trying mode. last month was a low point for me - too many pregnancy tests and too much of a let down. i realize i sound - obsessive (oh wait, that's who i am), but i have wanted this badly. my friends know not to ask me if i'm knocked up yet (seriously, that is), but acquaintances are asking about a #2 and it makes me feel sad.

however, then i get in panic mode wondering if i would be a good parent to two kids, if i will survive the lack of sleep, how that will effect our relationship with j. i love him and the time we spend as a family is wonderful (you know, most of the time). would the quality of love i give him go down with having a second child? and would that second child get the quality of love he or she deserves?

gods that was a depressing Grey's Anatomy last night. i cried. but it involves death, so you know i'm a sucker right there.

ok. that's it for now. if you don't here from me electronically, it's because i am having computer problems. my power port isn't working very well and i only have about 15 minutes on my battery (fully charged).

peace out, word to your mother.

I'm still here

So yesterday I went to my counselor's office. This time, we talked about the fact that I recently went back up on my antidepressant medication. He asked me questions about if I noticed changes in my mood gradually or all of a sudden. I usually don't notice until I get to a point where I could stay in bed all the time and don't feel motivated to do anything, socially, parentally, or personally. The big indicator is that I start focusing more on morality to a point where it effects my behavior. I thought I was doing better on the lower dosage, but I was wrong. After taking the higher dosage for about a week or so, I have noticed that, while still tired, I get up, dressed and out more, socialize more, and have more quality time with my child.

What does it mean? I have chronic depression. It's not a fluke or an overprescribing from my doctors. It's not just postpartum. I have been on antidepressant medications for 10 years this year. When I went off of them the first time, I was so depressed that I told BDR he needed to divorce me; I felt like he was having to take too much care of me and that wasn't his job. I cried all the time. BDR had to have lunch with me every day because I felt so alone, and even when he did, I still felt alone. And if you think I am OCD now, it was far worse then. That was the one and only time I went off medication. Since then, it's a matter of figuring out dosage for my body.

BDR has always been supportive of me taking medication with out making me feel like a freak. He compares depression to someone with diabetes. You need it to make your body work because it's a chemical issue. And in both situations, you get in a place where you feel really good and you don't think you need your medicine; but if you stop taking it, you body comes crashing down. It's not a just mind over matter thing.

Sometimes, like with my recent med increase, I am reminded that I have a chemical imbalance that makes me depressed, and I will need to take medication for depression for the long haul. It sucks, but it could be worse. And while BDR (and friends for that matter) never makes me feel that way, I feel like weak because I still believe I can teach myself how to not feel depressed. So off to bed I go... and I can't forget to take my medicine.

something is wrong

all i want to do sleep. i'm tired and feel meh. sure i have a cold but something feels off more than that. i am happy not to put forth any effort in my life - exercise, cleaning, playing with j, leaving the house, i'm not even taking real pleasure in eating or drinking my soda. all i want to do is zone out.

yes, i'm taking my meds. hopefully it's just because i'm sick.

A couple of helpful hints to all the locals out there

Two things I found out yesterday:

#1 The post office is increasing the postage from 42 cents to 44 cents on May 11. That being said if you buy the forever stamps (currently 42 cents), you do not need additional postage once the cost goes up. The post office dude who I think was flirting with me (either that or he was bored out of his mind and needed someone to talk to because it was dead in there), told me this information unprompted. :)

#2 If you ever need to copy anything and you live in my area, there is a copier at my local Schnucks.

Holy shit, it's been a while

Sorry, it's been so long. My only excuse as of the past few days is I have a cold. Before that, I have no real excuse. Some updates

I've been continuing to exercise 3 days a week (minus this past week because of vacation and illness). I started to lose a little bit of weight but then I went on that vacation and didn't exercise. As soon as I'm well (and energized), I will be going back to the routine.

While on vacation we visited the St. Louis Magic House. Curious J loved it. And while he was there, J used the potty standing up; I think it was because it was a J-size toilet and a J-size sink. He was super excited. In my quest to continue his interest, I purchased a urinal from amazon - http://www.amazon.com/Visionaire-1100-Peter-Toddler-Urinal/dp/B000C22J2S/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=baby-products&qid=1239730854&sr=8-1. It got good reviews and because J has ZERO interest in using the potty any other time. I also bought him some cool underpants so he can pee like a crazy mad man through all of them.We'll see how it goes.

Okay, I'm tired and my nose won't stop running. Off to bed.

Will I ever get pregnant?

So Nick and I were trying to have a baby, then I needed surgery for my spotting. They found adhesions connected to my bowels, but besides that everythign else looked good. THe spotting problem was not solved. I spotted two days ago and now I am spotting today. It has only been 21 days since my period. And it was 21 days the month before that. HOwever it was 26 days for the two months before that. And it was more random for the 5 months before that. We aren't really trying right now. I am having fun gardening and exercising this spring. But we aren't trying to prevent it from happening. I guess I wonder if my spotting and bleeding will normalize to even conceive a baby. The doctor said that I could go on birth control for a few months to regulate the cycle. Heck, maybe I should be doing that now while I have fun outside.

Now I'm just babbling. Like I said we aren't trying now, but every time I spot or bleed early it's hard not to notice that my cycle is not "normal" enough to understand when I could conceive. Anyway... just thinking about it today.

Bunny update

A couple of concerns were brought to my attention about the bunnies (thanks BDR and Quigs ;)). While I did create a new bunny house out of long, dry grass today, and placed both of the baby bunnies in there to hide. Then BDR and Quigs mentioned that the mama bunny may abandon the babies if they smell like humans (even if I did weat gloves). Got all that.

I am happy to report that mama bunny fed the bunnies tonight.

Of course, let me note that Quigs called me back and said that baby bunnies either will die trying to escape from the human's hands and break their neck OR they will the smell of the predator will kill them. Good times. I am happy to report that nothing like that happened today. And now that I have given them a home and I promise not to touch them again unless it's to keep them away from trying to eat BDR or Curious J.

I'm still here - some random thoughts.

Doing better than last night. Ahhh, parenting, the many challenges that come along with it. Totally worth it when you see your cute little person carry his two pillows and blanket while trying to walk into your room. Night time is really the only time Curious J is cuddly, so there is the urge to let him sleep with us. However, I know that isn't what works well in the long term.

Not much to say. Feeling nauseated tonight, but based on the way I scarfed down dinner, that probably explains the discomfort. I need to go to sleep; this staying up thing really doesn't work.

Curious J and I are making a garden in the backyard. We are very excited. I finished taking the grass up in the area. Next, planting.

We have a compost bin. I tried to move it to the back of the yard, but then I don't get any sunlight there (on account of our very tall fence). However, when it is on the north end of the backyard it gets sun all day. Problem is that if it smells, it will be closer to where we most likely will be. Good times!

We have bunnies in our backyard. Two baby bunnies and one mama bunny (I know that for sure on account that she has been nursing them in the back yard). I found one in my tall grass clippings and got to hold it. J asked if we could keep it. I said no, of course. I set up a home for it behind the compost bin with clippings so he could hide.

I have been using acne and wrinkle cream. It's my way of dealing with aging. While some of you may think that I don't need wrinkle cream yet, for me it symbolizes more the passage of time and the inevitable end. So, my wrinkle cream, exercising, lotioning, vitamins are used to slow me down to getting to the inevitable. Make fun. Tonight my face is burning, but I think it has more to do with the makeup remover I used. Now my eyes are watering like mad.

I love this time of year. Isn't it wonderful?

Our neighbor's son came to visit J today. He's about 8 years old (I think). He taught J how to act like a boy. J then began to climb out of his playhouse through the window head first say "I'm okay." I would stop him, but he's going to do this stuff when I'm not around so I might as well let him practice supervised. I gotta give props to the neighbor kid because not once did he mention guns or swords. I am not really ready for all that stuff, however, I think it's becoming inevitable.

J is becoming more a little boy every day. He is starting to be more aggressive in his play (well with BDR and I). He likes to play with worms and climb things. He is continuing his interest in "boy" sterotyped activities. The only thing is today, J asked for the Foofa stuffed animal when we were at the store. If anyone knows Foofa from Yo Gabba Gabba (he even knew her name without prompting), then you know she is pink. I was happily surprised when he said that was his favorite! The Easter Bunny will probably be bringing it to him. :)

Okay, I'm outta here.

I know I need to blog...

but after a moody evening, I have nothing to say that wouldn't end up as a bitch session. And it's been an evening I don't feel like talking about.

Stop, You Leaf Burners

So it's that time of year again - one of two times of year when smoke can be seen from neighborhoods. I don't have asthma or any other breathing issues, and I'm thankful for that. However, I still have problems when people who live in close proximities of others burn dead leaves or plant or grass clippings. The smoke is really annoying and does not disipate quickly. It's also bad for the environment. I understand the urge to get rid of dead lawn stuff, but I work my ass off to do the right thing by either recycling them with my garbage service, or like I did this year, start a compost. It does take work, but it's worth the effort to make the world last a little bit longer for our kids and their kids. Plus, you don't know who lives by you who does have breathing problems, and that doesn't help.