Feeling a little sad today. There were a lot of baby pictures up on facebook - ultrasounds, newborns. It just made me sad; our baby that I was looking forward to meeting is not going to be met. I know this will get easier. I am thrilled for my close friends who are expecting or new parents. I don't want them to be afraid to share with me; I would never want them to experience this sadness for themselves. I want joy for them.
I am managing things better and not feeling sad every minute. I also can't be sad for our little man. His teacher spoke to me yesterday. Yesterday at school he got a boo boo and cried for a long while. Then he asked his teacher if she had a baby in her belly and she said no. She thinks he might still be processing the situation. J seems to talk about Bub almost every day. And my reaction to his comments needs to be one that allows him to feel comfortable to talk to me.
BTW, the visit with the folks went well. My mom worked her ass off to not ask a lot of questions and force any conversations. Props to her. They "spoiled" us a bit. Both sets of parents "spoiled" us. And when I say spoiled, I mean they bought us chocolate covered almonds and provided meals for us. I am confident that I would try to spoil my kid if he went through something similar. I mean, hey, I bought my kid toys right after we lost Bub, so I guess I know exactly how they feel.
Sorry I am bringing all you readers down. This is a place for me to process. Please don't feel the need to say "the right thing". Like I said, this is a place to process.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Sunday, September 6, 2009
The next challenge
The next challenge that will be coming to me is Tuesday. The parents. I know they are grieving for me and for themselves, but I am not really wanting to share with them right now. I am struggling because my mom is trying so hard to extract information from me. She has techniques that are only used by the best interrogators. No. The truth is, she is my mom, and it is hard to break out of the cycle of being her "little girl", even if it not what I want. I'm nervous about seeing them. The sadness and pity they will have for me. The wanting to hug me even if I don't feel like it.
I invited my mother-in-law to watch Jack when I had my D&C. She has experienced this before as well. I called my folks for their blessing because I knew they would be disappointed, no matter how much they tried to be supportive. And as their daughter, I still hate their disappointment. And their grieving, too. As a parent, I know that feeling of wanting to comfort your child. But as an adult, I know what I want to do to make it through this.
I've already starting this about other issues of acclimating to normal life. Having sex after a miscarriage, his due date, holidays. Right now, many things are making me think of Bub. Going for a walk, looking at crab grass because I wasn't able to use chemicals on it, drinking caffeine, eating hot dogs,. Shit this sucks.
I invited my mother-in-law to watch Jack when I had my D&C. She has experienced this before as well. I called my folks for their blessing because I knew they would be disappointed, no matter how much they tried to be supportive. And as their daughter, I still hate their disappointment. And their grieving, too. As a parent, I know that feeling of wanting to comfort your child. But as an adult, I know what I want to do to make it through this.
I've already starting this about other issues of acclimating to normal life. Having sex after a miscarriage, his due date, holidays. Right now, many things are making me think of Bub. Going for a walk, looking at crab grass because I wasn't able to use chemicals on it, drinking caffeine, eating hot dogs,. Shit this sucks.
Friday, September 4, 2009
I don't have post title. It just seems stupid to put one in right now.
I am looking for a fight. You know how they talk about the 5 stages of grief. Besides the depression stage today, I'm in anger right now... not with any friends or family. I'm looking for a fight with strangers who are doing something stupid to other people or to me. I'm hoping to bump into old "friends" who will say something stupid so I can get angry back.
I also spoiled my kid with toys today. He doesn't need anymore; but it felt good for about 10 minutes. I'm getting my highs where I can right now.
Speaking of highs, I'm trying to decide between stuffing my face or not eating anything. It's weird. I know my body is hungry, but I don't FEEL hunger. I either want to starve or stuff my face with crap. I know it doesn't make sense, but right now, I don't make sense.
I gotta give huge praise to BDR. He is taking care of J and J's little fits. He's letting me be weird and not making me feel bad about it. He's letting me make all the decision about this and is being 100% supportive of the choices I make. I have learned that I feel closer to him from this experience.
I am looking for a fight. You know how they talk about the 5 stages of grief. Besides the depression stage today, I'm in anger right now... not with any friends or family. I'm looking for a fight with strangers who are doing something stupid to other people or to me. I'm hoping to bump into old "friends" who will say something stupid so I can get angry back.
I also spoiled my kid with toys today. He doesn't need anymore; but it felt good for about 10 minutes. I'm getting my highs where I can right now.
Speaking of highs, I'm trying to decide between stuffing my face or not eating anything. It's weird. I know my body is hungry, but I don't FEEL hunger. I either want to starve or stuff my face with crap. I know it doesn't make sense, but right now, I don't make sense.
I gotta give huge praise to BDR. He is taking care of J and J's little fits. He's letting me be weird and not making me feel bad about it. He's letting me make all the decision about this and is being 100% supportive of the choices I make. I have learned that I feel closer to him from this experience.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
What a difference a day makes.
I have had all these thoughts today and I need somewhere to put them.
Today was Curious J's first day of preschool. I will remember him eating cream of wheat for his first day's breakfast. I will remember him holding Nick and my hand as we walked into the building. I will remember feeling a little nervous but extremely proud as he walked in and immediately went to the toys, without even looking back to ask where I would be. I will remember picking him up from school and how great of a mood he was in when I picked him up.
I will remember taking J to the library to check out Transformers books. Him getting told by the librarian not to run, which made me giggle a little (but I didn't ignore it).
I will remember that today is the day that I found out Bub was dead. I will remember the feeling of seeing him on the monitor and not moving. I will remember the immediate feeling of remorse. I will remember the kindness that the staff gave to me at that moment of sadness, even though I didn't want them to say anything, but knew they were only trying. I will remember waiting for BDR to get to the office. I will remember how BDR immediately hugged me when he came into the room and asked me if I was alright. I will remember all the people I had to tell and not wanting to hear anything back from them because of the awkwardness of the conversation. I will remember that I immediately knew I wanted a DNC instead of waiting for nature to take it's course. I will remember that I wanted to cut my pregnancy haircut immediately, and did. I will remember the sound of my mother's voice saying "NO" when I called and didn't even have to say the words. I will remember telling Jack about Bub and his reaction being so much more grown-up with his sadness for the loss, his thoughfulness towards BDR and my feelings. I will remember that his reaction broke my heart more than anyone else's.
Finally, I will remember sitting on the couch with BDR after J's bedtime...talking about the day, talking about our sadness, and remembering that while this loss is sad, it is not as great as other losses could be. Having J not only reminds us of our good fortune, but also forces us (in a good way) to move forward and not wallow.
Today was Curious J's first day of preschool. I will remember him eating cream of wheat for his first day's breakfast. I will remember him holding Nick and my hand as we walked into the building. I will remember feeling a little nervous but extremely proud as he walked in and immediately went to the toys, without even looking back to ask where I would be. I will remember picking him up from school and how great of a mood he was in when I picked him up.
I will remember taking J to the library to check out Transformers books. Him getting told by the librarian not to run, which made me giggle a little (but I didn't ignore it).
I will remember that today is the day that I found out Bub was dead. I will remember the feeling of seeing him on the monitor and not moving. I will remember the immediate feeling of remorse. I will remember the kindness that the staff gave to me at that moment of sadness, even though I didn't want them to say anything, but knew they were only trying. I will remember waiting for BDR to get to the office. I will remember how BDR immediately hugged me when he came into the room and asked me if I was alright. I will remember all the people I had to tell and not wanting to hear anything back from them because of the awkwardness of the conversation. I will remember that I immediately knew I wanted a DNC instead of waiting for nature to take it's course. I will remember that I wanted to cut my pregnancy haircut immediately, and did. I will remember the sound of my mother's voice saying "NO" when I called and didn't even have to say the words. I will remember telling Jack about Bub and his reaction being so much more grown-up with his sadness for the loss, his thoughfulness towards BDR and my feelings. I will remember that his reaction broke my heart more than anyone else's.
Finally, I will remember sitting on the couch with BDR after J's bedtime...talking about the day, talking about our sadness, and remembering that while this loss is sad, it is not as great as other losses could be. Having J not only reminds us of our good fortune, but also forces us (in a good way) to move forward and not wallow.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
My new topic
So I was going to type about my issues with missing being good at something. But I found out what I was good at. Getting pissy. I was on Facebook before bed, when I read a "friends" status. He is a Christian man (minister, I think) who said that... wait, here's his exact wording:
"is disgusted after seeing a commercial on TV which advertised a dating service specifically for those who are married. The website has links to articles from Oprah Winfrey's website which promote and explain away infidelity and adultery. Amazi...ng. I'm so glad I'm a Christian, and I'm so glad I'm married to a great woman..."
Now, while would also be disgusted by the same kind of advertisement, I am insulted by the insinuation that married Christians don't cheat. While I may not practice any religion, I believe I have a decent moral compass. I have a sense of right from wrong; I try to be ethical; I try to be honest; I try to be trustworthy. It is frustrating to be told that if you do not have a higher power to keep you in line that you are, for lack of a better word, fallen.
Well, I challenge his comment saying that even Christians cheat and that is was more about what kind of moral compass you have and how you truly love your companion. So I didn't go quietly. But again, I was frustrated by another person's comment (who I don't know) who said:
"It is sad that so many people are looking for a justification for sin. Satan takes many forms, uses many people and mediums to accomplish his objectives. We as Christians have to be diligent not bring that into our homes and to teach others God's word. So they can be aware of Satan's devices and resist them. Those of us who have Chritain marriages need to Thank God daily for the blessing and gift of our spouses. I pray daily that He helps me to be the kind of wife He commands and that I can be worthy of my husband"
Well, I guess that means that I have a sucky marriage. And Satan has his hands all over me. Grrrr.
I am not trying to insult my religious friends. Shit, I feel like I do when I do this stuff. But life is not as simple as following words of a book, which may have been inspired by a devine being and written by flawed fallable human beings. Life is not clear cut. It's messy. you try your best at it. But I believe that it's possible for anyone to live a good life, even without a higher power guiding them. And even the "best of them" fall sometimes. Dude, even Jesus got this stuff.
"is disgusted after seeing a commercial on TV which advertised a dating service specifically for those who are married. The website has links to articles from Oprah Winfrey's website which promote and explain away infidelity and adultery. Amazi...ng. I'm so glad I'm a Christian, and I'm so glad I'm married to a great woman..."
Now, while would also be disgusted by the same kind of advertisement, I am insulted by the insinuation that married Christians don't cheat. While I may not practice any religion, I believe I have a decent moral compass. I have a sense of right from wrong; I try to be ethical; I try to be honest; I try to be trustworthy. It is frustrating to be told that if you do not have a higher power to keep you in line that you are, for lack of a better word, fallen.
Well, I challenge his comment saying that even Christians cheat and that is was more about what kind of moral compass you have and how you truly love your companion. So I didn't go quietly. But again, I was frustrated by another person's comment (who I don't know) who said:
"It is sad that so many people are looking for a justification for sin. Satan takes many forms, uses many people and mediums to accomplish his objectives. We as Christians have to be diligent not bring that into our homes and to teach others God's word. So they can be aware of Satan's devices and resist them. Those of us who have Chritain marriages need to Thank God daily for the blessing and gift of our spouses. I pray daily that He helps me to be the kind of wife He commands and that I can be worthy of my husband"
Well, I guess that means that I have a sucky marriage. And Satan has his hands all over me. Grrrr.
I am not trying to insult my religious friends. Shit, I feel like I do when I do this stuff. But life is not as simple as following words of a book, which may have been inspired by a devine being and written by flawed fallable human beings. Life is not clear cut. It's messy. you try your best at it. But I believe that it's possible for anyone to live a good life, even without a higher power guiding them. And even the "best of them" fall sometimes. Dude, even Jesus got this stuff.
Saturday, August 8, 2009
So not fair
BDR has never had to do a poop on the potty before. I have handled every single one of them. I also get to do the double high fives and the giving of the potty reward, which is fun. Now that Curious J doesn't poop in my hand or on the carpet (like the first couple times with no diaper), I really don't mind. But I don't want him to miss out on this American experience. ;)
On a side note, I exercised for the first time in at least two weeks - my third time since finding out I was pregnant. so far, no spotting issues today, as it is usually is the case when I exercise or do hard labor. Keep your fingers crossed.
We're going to make breakfast for dinner, so I better go set things up.
On a side note, I exercised for the first time in at least two weeks - my third time since finding out I was pregnant. so far, no spotting issues today, as it is usually is the case when I exercise or do hard labor. Keep your fingers crossed.
We're going to make breakfast for dinner, so I better go set things up.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
My amusing day so far.
Today has started well for Curious J and me. He woke up with a dry pull-up, he used the potty and has had a dry underwear all day. I have asked but not made him go. I was surprised to find that he held his bladder for almost 3 hours after drinking OJ and AJ. I sometimes underestimate his ability to know himself.
J has been in a fun mood today. He wanted to play chase. I did not want to play chase. But I did it anyway because I have been feeling like a very neglectful parents (not really neglectful, just not playing with him like I should). I had a great time playing chase and felt more awake. We built a new train track, which for me is always fun! Then he told me I broke my sink, so he took his toolkit and hammered the tap while I cleaned up the carpet from his cheeto experience the day before. Then he fixed my front door and my side table door. Really stellar work.
Update at 7pm: Curious J has pooped 3 times on the potty today and has continue to be dry. AWESOME progress.
J has been in a fun mood today. He wanted to play chase. I did not want to play chase. But I did it anyway because I have been feeling like a very neglectful parents (not really neglectful, just not playing with him like I should). I had a great time playing chase and felt more awake. We built a new train track, which for me is always fun! Then he told me I broke my sink, so he took his toolkit and hammered the tap while I cleaned up the carpet from his cheeto experience the day before. Then he fixed my front door and my side table door. Really stellar work.
Update at 7pm: Curious J has pooped 3 times on the potty today and has continue to be dry. AWESOME progress.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
The conversation
I know only a few of my friends read my blog, most of you guys know what's going in my life. Needless to say, we had a very serious conversation with Curious J yesterday afternoon. Here's a basic lowdown of how it went.
M: We are going to have a baby.
J: A baby? In mama's belly? ... Does it come out there? (He points to my mouth.)
M: No.
J: Does it come out there? (He points to my head.)
M: No. You know how you and daddy have penises, well mommy has a place that is where the baby comes out.
J: I have a baby in my penis.
M: No, just mommy.
J: No I do. I have a baby in my penis.
M: ok.
Then we let him nickname the sibling to which he said something like "buh". I said Bub or Bug? He said Bub. The nickname has been chosen. J will most likely not me choosing the real name.
M: We are going to have a baby.
J: A baby? In mama's belly? ... Does it come out there? (He points to my mouth.)
M: No.
J: Does it come out there? (He points to my head.)
M: No. You know how you and daddy have penises, well mommy has a place that is where the baby comes out.
J: I have a baby in my penis.
M: No, just mommy.
J: No I do. I have a baby in my penis.
M: ok.
Then we let him nickname the sibling to which he said something like "buh". I said Bub or Bug? He said Bub. The nickname has been chosen. J will most likely not me choosing the real name.
Monday, August 3, 2009
On a mission
I am on a mission this spring/summer to get a lot of things done around the house. You never know when I might have to go on hiatus from being OCD. I haven't done everything myself, but it still got finished. I have slowed down in the last couple of weeks.
Trees in the backyard (SHADE!)
Removal of shrubs in the front yard (on my to do list for a few years now)
Added a few plants to the gardens
Painted light fixtures to match the house shutters
Removal of tall grass that too close to the air conditioner
Grew a few vegetables in the garden
Bordered the garden area in the backyard
Organized the first floor closet
Cleaned the dishwasher, disposal, and washer (damn mineral buildup)
Cleaned the kitchen cabinets
Cleaned out and reorganized the garage
Things I haven't done or need to get finished:
Mulched (not getting finished this year)
Paint Jack's new room (needs to get finished this year)
Paint Jack's old room (TBD)
Planted a small tree in the front (where the shrubs use to be)
RE-reorganize basement storage
Get rid of the stuff sitting in my dining room
Search for more stuff to purge
Trees in the backyard (SHADE!)
Removal of shrubs in the front yard (on my to do list for a few years now)
Added a few plants to the gardens
Painted light fixtures to match the house shutters
Removal of tall grass that too close to the air conditioner
Grew a few vegetables in the garden
Bordered the garden area in the backyard
Organized the first floor closet
Cleaned the dishwasher, disposal, and washer (damn mineral buildup)
Cleaned the kitchen cabinets
Cleaned out and reorganized the garage
Things I haven't done or need to get finished:
Mulched (not getting finished this year)
Paint Jack's new room (needs to get finished this year)
Paint Jack's old room (TBD)
Planted a small tree in the front (where the shrubs use to be)
RE-reorganize basement storage
Get rid of the stuff sitting in my dining room
Search for more stuff to purge
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
I'm still here, take 2...
We had a lovely vacation. I am thankful for my two boys. However, I am not dealing with a few things very well lately. One example is gaining weight; and of course, when I am stressed I eat more. But it feels pointless to work hard on losing weight if I'm trying to get pregnant, but if I can't get pregnant, then I just feel fat (yes, Quigs, I said fat). Another issue is out gazebo that is not yet 1 month old and has a collapsed roof - and the stupid customer service issues from the store from which I bought it (SEARS). Vicious cycles of frustration and unhealthy thoughts.
Needless to say, I am coping. And since my life is good and it could be far worse (cause Angelina Jolie told me some sad stories of people with amazing attitudes), I feel guilty for complaining, which of course leads to more unhealthy thoughts.
So let's talk about good things.
Curious J started summer camp last week. He is doing great! :) So proud of him.
Curious J is making new friends - or at least socializing with others (without the aid of his parents) of his own accord. :)
My Curious J no longer uses pacifiers at bedtime. While J is still learning to deal with putting himself to sleep sans pacifier, he is doing very well.
My high school 15 year reunion is this coming weekend. I have a pretty dress that Loosey helped me pick out. :) (and I have purple nailpolish to match.)
Like I said, we had a great family vacation. Seriously, looking for a vacation, go to the Great Wold Lodge in Wisconsin Dells. Very kid friendly.
Even though J had a pretty rough cold for a few days, I have a healthy kid and I am very thankful for that.
My friend, (we'll call her) Roomie, is coming to visit me in a week and we're going out sans kid.
BDR and I might get to go to the movies this weekend if the grandfolks are okay with watching J.
I had a blast with my friends at a BBQ last week.
I have a small group of friends that I realized I rely on for socialization. And I like them very much! :)
I have a couple of hours each day to myself for 3 weeks this summer (although one week is already passed - but I still had). I have been using it to exercise.
I have a good husband. Yes, he drives me crazy (like I drive him crazy) but he is a constant that is not just there for convenience. I love having him there next to me.
Okay, I'm ready to pass out. Night!
Needless to say, I am coping. And since my life is good and it could be far worse (cause Angelina Jolie told me some sad stories of people with amazing attitudes), I feel guilty for complaining, which of course leads to more unhealthy thoughts.
So let's talk about good things.
Curious J started summer camp last week. He is doing great! :) So proud of him.
Curious J is making new friends - or at least socializing with others (without the aid of his parents) of his own accord. :)
My Curious J no longer uses pacifiers at bedtime. While J is still learning to deal with putting himself to sleep sans pacifier, he is doing very well.
My high school 15 year reunion is this coming weekend. I have a pretty dress that Loosey helped me pick out. :) (and I have purple nailpolish to match.)
Like I said, we had a great family vacation. Seriously, looking for a vacation, go to the Great Wold Lodge in Wisconsin Dells. Very kid friendly.
Even though J had a pretty rough cold for a few days, I have a healthy kid and I am very thankful for that.
My friend, (we'll call her) Roomie, is coming to visit me in a week and we're going out sans kid.
BDR and I might get to go to the movies this weekend if the grandfolks are okay with watching J.
I had a blast with my friends at a BBQ last week.
I have a small group of friends that I realized I rely on for socialization. And I like them very much! :)
I have a couple of hours each day to myself for 3 weeks this summer (although one week is already passed - but I still had). I have been using it to exercise.
I have a good husband. Yes, he drives me crazy (like I drive him crazy) but he is a constant that is not just there for convenience. I love having him there next to me.
Okay, I'm ready to pass out. Night!
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